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I have spent not inconsiderable time on this, just so you know.

So, you can take my ruminations with some degree of thoughtfulness. I mean, you should probably believe me. Or at least lean heavily in my direction.

There are only so many explanations.

The question?

How is it that we continue to find innumerable examples of foot-stompin’/mind-splittin’/no uterus could birth THAT/brain-atrophied/moronic/imbecilic/no word for it/pure INSANITY in the form of individuals who resemble human beings?

And the answer that I have come up with is: On earth there exists a space warp interface, and aliens are bleeding into our fair planet with amazing speed and number.

And the portal?

Somewhere in The Donald’s HairDOesn’t. You can obviously see how right I am now.

Some examples:

  • The Contrarian has come up with two questions this week that I think bear testimony that he might not be “one of us.” The questions were: (1) How do police handcuff one-armed suspects? and (2) just how non-pigmented must one be to be classified as an albino?  And you wonder why I sound slightly off now and then. I tell you, I’m in a constant state of panic most days.
  • We both burst out in gales of laughter when we heard that a “stature-challenged” individual, (is it midget, little person, dwarf? political correctness demands to know) sued his statuesque (meaning tall) wife for divorce, claiming that in order to bedevil him, she “put his things up on shelves where he couldn’t reach them.”  Since it would be most inappropriate to laugh at the plight of a person simply because of their physical limitations, we must be being possessed by aliens. No better proof could be provided, no?
  • The TeaNutz®. I mean need I say more?
  • I’m not sure, but I think that only Ron Paul is an actual homo sapien among the Regooflican candidates. There is a good case to be made that all the rest are from other worlds, and not the same ones I might add. Clearly no single planet birthed both Newt and Mitt. Surely this is obvious.
  • There is a show called something like “Swamp Hunters”. That is more or less the title. The Contrarian catches it now and then. “For the laugh factor” he contends, but I suspect it’s more like “visiting with the relatives.” Anyway, this man and his “son” go around in the swamps catching/killing/ or photographing crocodiles ( probably not pitcher takin’). This involves some shooting of guns, for reasons I am unclear about. (I don’t watch it–just reportin’). Anyhoo, said “son” ends up getting shot, with some birdshot, during the festivities. The father is heard to exclaim, “I just hate it when I shoots my boy.” I guess it has happened before.

So those are a few examples. I am sure you have others. Many others.

One of my jobs, which I take most seriously, is to link you to those things that you need to live your life fully and knowledgably. I mean you need to know certain things if you are to make a good choice, in say, buying a new car. (Does anyone buy NEW cars anymore?) So in that spirit, I must urge you to set your TIVO to record this gem. Seriously.

D O O M S D A Y    P R E P P E R S

Being brought to you by National Geographic, and you know that is a most legitimate network. We found it listed for Tuesdays at 8 p.m. This show is dedicated to those alien souls that “know what we don’t” namely that for anyone of 8,352 reasons (that is the actual number by the way), the world will be ending soon. And they are prepared!

The first episode is about those beings who know that the earth is gonna switch polarity from north to south any minute now. And they are preparing! Other episodes will include your super volcano eruption, Armageddon, mega meteor strike, alien invasion (wow that is rich ain’t it?), Revolutionaries of the 21st century. That leaves 8, 346 more! Can you not, not wait?

Remember 96 8/10ths % of all pediatricians agree: laughter makes the world go round, keeps bedbugs at bay, and wards off vampires.

The Religious Christianists are so upset that Madonna is gonna perform at the Super Bowl, that they are urging their fellow cultists, to switch the channel that will carry a heart-felt plea by Tony Dungy to adopt a child.

I think Madonna must have watched it before, since she has adopted how many now?  Just sayin’.

Mittens keeps singing America the Beautiful. Even he can’t be that tone-deaf. Conclusion: he’s an alien.

And then Ron Paul had to go and put on one of Ricky S.’s sweater vests:

He won best in show.

He thought it meant he was the nominee.

So did all the Doomsday Preppers. So if your neighbor doesn’t answer the door, it’s prolly cuz’ he’s in his bunker. Or he got Super Bowl tickets. One or the other.