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In case you missed it, there was another GOP comedy hour last night. Unfortunately it went on for two hours, which was an hour and fifty minutes too long. Most of the audience had gone to sleep/left to take their meds/wandered off in a Alzheimer’s fantasy, by the time it ended.
I wandered around the hall, and tried to pick up some of the remarks being made by the erudite audience members. As you know, we were in Arizona, where there is a PrepH dispenser at every corner, and the local drugstores regular run wrinkle-cream sale wars.
George: Who is that little scrawny guy at the end?
Lucinda: What? Let me turn up my ear. Oh, at the end? That’s my uncle Herman, isn’t it? No, wait, uncle Herm died back in 1983, summer I think. I remember the roses were especially nice that year. What dear?
George: WHO IS HE?
Lucinda: Well, go up and ask him dear, he looks nice. I’m sure he’ll tell you.
¶
Al: Kate what the hell is this Obamacare and Romneycare? Do you know what they are talking about?
Kate: Well I think that man with the black hair is the Romney one. I don’t who the Obama one is. It’s nice they care don’t you think?
Al: Think about what?
Kate: About? Oh they care. Caring is nice. I’m voting for caring people. That’s all I know.
Al: I’m confused.
Kate: Yes dear, I know. Don’t worry, I’ll make you some pudding when we get home. You always like that.
¶
Henry: Hey, Fred started booing. It’s a wave Alice, let’s join in. BOOOOOOO.
Alice: What are we booing Henry?
Henry: What? Oh, Contraception. At least I think that’s what that sign up there says.
Alice: I never took any of that stuff in my life. I don’t trust nobody messin’ around down there, if you know what I mean.
Henry: Yeah, I know what you mean Alice. You haven’t let me mess around down there in more than twenty-five years.
Alice: Why shut your dirty mouth Henry, or . . .
Henry: Or what Alice, I already sleep in my own room.
Alice: Well, why don’t they talk about something that matters. The girls all talk during our card game every week. I don’t remember anyone ever bringing up THAT subject. I just want to get my blood thinner pills cheaper. Have they said anything about that yet?
Henry: I think they are coming to it.
¶
Miriam: What’s an earmark, Wilber? They are getting all angry about earmarks. What are they?
Wilber: You know Miriam, the marks on your ears when you have you earrings on too long. You take them off, and there are those marks?
Miriam: What a silly thing to talk about. What did he say?
Wilber: Which one?
Miriam: Either one.
Wilber: Well the one guy says the other guy loved ’em, and he said he would end them. The other guy says you got to be a team player sometimes.
Miriam: He loves them? Is that some sex thing? Sounds nasty to me. How is the other one gonna end them? I rub my ears– is he gonna do that? I don’t want no stranger rubbing my ears Wilber.
Wilber: Maybe it’s a team?
Miriam: A team rubbing my ears? Now I’m not voting for that. The shuffleboard team is enough for me. Gloria said that Martin might be laid up with that embo-somethingorother, and not be able to play tomorrow. We might need to get a sub. Maybe that fat guy with the white hair on the end would play. Go ask him.
Wilber: I can’t just walk up there and interrupt Miriam. Besides my hip hurts. These chairs aren’t the least bit comfortable you know.
Miriam: I’ll vote for softer chairs.
¶
Liz: Oh, it’s a game. Let’s play!
Mort: What?
Liz: Wake up! It’s a game. You say the first word that comes into your head. The little guy said “consistent” and the next guy said “courage”. That dark-eyed one? He said “resolute”. What is resolute Mort?
Mort: Resolute, resolute. Let me think. I have heard that word before. I think it was a ship name. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s the name of a ship.
Liz: What an odd word to pick. Why is he talking about a ship.
Mort: (standing up and shouting) PROSTATE!!!!
Liz: Sit Down! Mort Sit down. For God’s sake in heaven what are you doing?
Mort: You said it was a game. That was my word. What’s the matter?
Liz: Oh my God, now I missed the fat little fellow. Did you hear his word?
Mort: No but he looks happy don’t you think?
Liz: I think it’s over. You spoiled it Mort, just like you always do.
Mort: What? What did I do?
¶
Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. I hope you’ll vote for me.
Gertie: How nice. You look like a nice man. What are you running for dear?
Sam: Oh goodness Gertie, he’s running for some government thing. Don’t you watch the news?
Gertie: I would but it conflicts with my Wheel of Fortune, you know that. Have you ever been on that young man?
Sherry Peyton, reporting for A Feather Adrift.
