08 | March | 2012 | Existential Ennui

Tags

doomsday preppers, Humor, my altruism is showing

No “the sky is falling, the sky is falling”. We are calm, cool, and collected. Armageddon is at hand, the End Times, the Apocalypse, however you wish to describe it–“its” here.

If you had not heard, there is a “massive” solar flare on its way, and this means to the mind of a prepper–“THE SHIT IS GONNA HIT THE FAN”–de rigueur talk in the Doomsday world.

The flare will disrupt–read destroy– the grid. Hoards of crazed, hungry, forcibly weaned Internet people will be flooding the roads, neighborhoods, and cities, seeking WHAT YOU HAVE–dried jerky and gas masks!

No seriously.

I told you some weeks back, that I had decided to sacrifice my time to keep you in the know. I, and I alone would endure the endless tedium of watching National Geo’s groundbreaking Doomsday Prepper shows. I and I alone would bring to you factoids you require to survive the end of LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.

First we need to discern if you are a prepper. This requires some distinct mind and personality skills. Not just EVERYONE can be a prepper you know. It takes a certain panache.

Are you paranoid? Do you see monsters under the bed? Do you eye everyone with suspicion? Is your brother even a bit strange?

Congratulations! You have met the first threshold. A healthy fear. Fear is Good!

Second. Do you distrust mainstream science? Do you think conspiracies abound? Do you have a limited education, a lower than average IQ? Do you actively seek confirmation of your wild imaginings? More important, do you usually find them?

Congratulations! You have met the second threshold. A tendency to add 2 + 2 and get 5! Five is Good!

Third. Are you a natural collector of crap? Are you a secret hoarder if you only had the space? Do you think that seven packages of 12-pair tube socks are naturally better than one? Is your closet filled with 236 rolls of toilet paper, “just in case”?

Congratulations! You have met the third threshold. You are the ant and not the grasshopper!

Super Congratulations! You are a natural Doomsday Prepper!

Now, it’s probably too late for this doomsday–the one tomorrow. And if it’s anywhere’s near as big as these DP’s suggest, well, you’re screwed. I advise that you buy a bottle of good whiskey, the best drugs you can find, get in your easy chair, with your blankie, and well, wait for the end.

But if, IF this is not the BIG ONE, you still have time.

There are really Four Golden Rules to gettin’ ‘er done!

Acquire food
Acquire security
Acquire gear
Acquire skills

Let’s take them one at a time.

FOOD

Acquire as much as you can. By the metric ton. Canned, freeze-dried, hermetically sealed. This is easy. Staples, beans, flour, sugar, yada yada yada. Ten gallon drums to store it in. Build a garage for storage. Practice loading your food on a van when you “bug out”. Food enough to last for years is best. Learn how to home-can. This is essential. This is how you will eat meat in the future–canned. Mmmmmm, good. And water, don’t forget water. Five hundred gallon drums.

SECURITY

Read guns. Of all kinds and fire power. And ammo, buckets and buckets of ammo. You need motion and sound detectors. You need cameras mounted at strategic points. You need knives, machetes, ninja stuff, knuckles, stars, tridents and chains, nets and swords. All manner of holsters, quick retrieval mayhem producers. Visit gun shops and other Outlander establishments to learn the latest in makin’ sure your stuff stays yours.

GEAR

Camouflage everything. Camouflage the dog, the cat, the kids, your car, home, and boat. Get all manner of fanny, back, and leg packs. All manner of cute containers with built-in spoons and back scratchers. Get it all. Spend every extra penny you got buying fishing gear, animal traps, telescoping hoes, and powder shampoo and body cleanse “when cleanliness matters”. Don’t forget that black junk to put under your eyes to take the glare away, when you are using your “see 10 miles” field glasses. Space prevents me from naming all the stuff you need and must have. It’s best to buy a storage container for all your new gear.

SKILLS

Lack of them, kills. Literally. Learn all the martial arts, practice your shootin’ regularly. Learn obscure languages so you can communicate without being understood. Learn hand signals. Learn how to make fire, clean water, catch varmints, grow survival food, eat off the land, eat the land, make your own electricity, washing machines out of old bicycles, and chicken incubators. Learn to knit, sew, crochet. Learn to saw, hack, ax down trees and build houses. Learn thatching, mud bricking, and pot making (NOT THAT KIND!). Think 1840’s on the prairie and go from there. Practice the “Bug out” at least once a month. Time it. Try to improve every month.

Most of all, locate other similarly wacked out human beings so that you feel that you are NOT CRAZY like a loon but like a fox. Communicate with similar life forms and re-enforce that the tens of thousands you are spending is “worth it” for sure.

Agree to hold “meets” this summer, (if Doomsday hasn’t yet arrived of course) to share tips, stories, and ideas. Invite plenty of outfitters to join you. They will appreciate it and rack up more sales. And they have plenty of “honest” advice about all the stuff you are still lacking, that they just might be able to get for you, for a reasonable profit of course.

Make sure you bring your kids in on the new hobby. First, it keeps them off the streets, and who doesn’t want the kid to follow in the old man’s footsteps? Another generation of paranoid crazies helps make the world go round! Oops, that orbit looks shaky. We might be on the verge of a polar reverse!

To the spidy hole. BUG OUT. THE SHIT IS HTTING THE FAN!