I Laughed, I Cried, I Spat Epithets, I Chewed the Rug

Tags

debates, Election 2016, the GOP, Trump

Whoa what a night of fun and escapades! The second great debate between the twixts and tweens of the GOP. Oh, goodness, where to start.

As the “photo” above illustrates, crucial to all such undertakings–the pretence that THE DONALD does not really count. Nothing to see here folks, the great “HAIR” will soon depart. Well he was supposed to by now, but has tenaciously clung to the tattered remnants of Ronnie Reagan’s spurs, winking and nodding at the great masses of dumb-ass racist mother-fuckers who keep thanking God for blessin’ them with a giant of a candidate  in THE DONALD.

Donald need say nothing. He need only flash the pearls in a sea of Mar a Lago suntan to get the juices of the gun rack lovin’ beer guzzlers who are more familiar with a baseball cap than THE DONALD  will ever be.

The fireworks started immediately with The Trumpet: “Hey you, Randy Paul, whatcha doin’ here boy? You got 1% support, you aren’t supposed to get a stand.”

Randy, looks taken aback, and moans, “Why you pickin’ at me, squirrel head–thanks Bobby (I love the Brady Bunch) Jindal for the hair metaphor. I’m an opthamologist and I fight for your right to form boards and certify YOURSELF in My America!”

But the one to watch was Carly. She stalked THE DONALD, waiting for her moment to pounce. That was after she pinched Scotty, manager of the Koch subsidiary, also known as–Wishconsin. That’s because everybody wishes they weren’t in Wisconsin, especially Scotty. Wish on Scotty, you’re headin’ north my son, and you aint’ comin’ back.

Carly is a formidable debater. She can rush off a three-minute soliloquy without missing a beat, taking a breath, or breakin’ a sweat. She is GIFTED in that. She made Hamlet weep for shame.  What comes out of that precise tight little mouth is worthy of a cesspool, but she CAN deliver it.

Donald retreated with a “you are beautiful Carly” which was surely sufficient to insure she is eligible for a runway walk at the next Ms. World or Ms. Universe, or Ms. Multiplex, whichever comes first.

Ben shows why Ben won’t be president any time in the normal course of human evolution. What started out as a joke, has become, I am more and more convinced, empirically proven: Benjie Carson is an idiot savant. He can wield a scalpel like no other, but the dude is flatly the dumbest thing on earth on any other subject.

Richly, he leads the pack in the chutzpah finals. A man who was raised in poverty, given the advantage of every single government program then in existence that assisted his growth from cradle through college, now suggests that the US is rotten at the core because it keeps the “spigot of goodies” flowing. Only when it stops, will people have the ability to fend for themselves as nature meant, and as he was taught even though he never had to test that theory out in his own life.

Well, Benjie who owes somebody called Abe a debt of gratitude, as well as numerous of his brothers and sisters in color who bled, fought, and died for his freedom, this same BLACK MAN now urges that the solution to the “illegals” is to turn them into a permanent underclass of American workers–the slave laborer, whom we will permit to live in America and work for next to nothing in Merika, but never vote or have any of the accoutrements of civilized citizenship. They will be guest workers. ( see Qatar. UAE, Saudi Arabia if you want to see how such systems work in reality.)

I guess Benjie didn’t spend much time reading about the FUCKING HISTORY OF SLAVERY IN THIS COUNTRY. Which is probably clear from the fact that he thinks that Obamacare is akin to the same “free goodies” and is as bad as slavery itself.

Can I get an amen that this jerk is an idiot savant?

Did anyone believe CC’s dramatic “I care about the little guy” routine?

How ’bout Mikey’s attempts to be relevant?

Or Scotty’s blinking as the ideas were moving too fast for him to keep up?

Or Rubio’s ever-present hankie wiping his frightened brow?

By far some of the best stuff came from the under card, led by the perennial favorite in hilarity, Ms. Lindsey Graham. Lindsey is perhaps my favorite, because while awful shit is projectile vomited from his mouth every 3.2 seconds, Lindsey otherwise is funnier than just about anyone I know.

He dressed down boy king, Bobby Jindal, much as a parent might gaze forgivingly at their child. “Still growing, he is, but he looks to make a fine cut of a fellow by the time he has.” (said while nailing down the cowlick with spit).

Ms. Lindsey, who (squirrel) likes to talk about how dangerous everything is, did just that, (squirrel) reminding us that the Middle East is a scary place and he will keep us safe, cuz he’s been hanging with the “guys” all these years, and they assure him, that we gotta go kick butt and they’re  the ones to do it. (Squirrel). Lindsey will of course act all commander in chiefy, while he yearns to get his hands on some hot barrels of his own.

Meanwhile Theodore The Canadian Cruz raised the subject they just all loved to talk on–Iran. No more scary country exists. They are seconds away from the launch codes. They shout “death to Merika” and mean it. War!

War excites them all. We may have to folks they shudder in supposed sympathy. We won’t want to, but “fear, fear, blah blah, fear, fear, blah, fear” they go. We just may have to for our own good doncha know and the good of the world (which they will fitfully not believe for like a millennia, but someday they will thank us.)

Ahh, the smell of napalm in the morning. Brings back such memories don’t it?

And everybody, just everybody was shoutin’ their “not a politician but an outsider” bona fides. Nobody is a Washington “insider”. No, Captain Marvel, otherwise known as JEB! or Jebbie, is gonna be THE DISRUPTOR”. I mean, that sent a shiver down even my spine.

There were moments of anticipated high drama which fizzled: Donald is cornered on his alleged claim that autism and vaccines might be related. Of course the medical community will tell you that there is no such relationship. Trump is on to  the gotcha moment brewing, and slyly mis-directs: “I wasn’t talkin’ about the vaccines themselves but the AMOUNT. I believe the doses are too high. They should be spread out over more years.”

Ben is given his chance to eviscerate THE DONALD with some real and actual medical knowledge and . . . .he agrees, that the dosages may be too high. To make it worse, Randy chimes in that he agrees. Trump walks away unscathed, and grinning.

They tried to gang up on him, they tried to ignore him. They tried to make his petty disagreements with Carly self-centered as puff boy, Chrissie said, “this ain’t about you and your jobs, it’s out THEIR jobs”, pointing to the well-dressed audience. It probably wasn’t about theirs either but it was a cute aside.

My predictions: Oh they are no better than the next gals.

I see Walker departing soon. He did little to help himself and he needed to take off his clothes and wiggle his wiener in order to get attention. He was too shy apparently.

Huck and Randy are dead in the water but will probably hang for a while. Same for most of the rest. As long as the last dollar is left to be spent, they will drag their wrinkled asses around the country talking to anyone who will listen. I mean, their spouses aren’t gonna listen to that shit any more, somebody’s gotta be found who will.

Oh there is so much more to come. But this was a great one, much better than the Foxy beginning.

Weirdest thing that happened: Hugh Hewitt, pummelled by THE DONALD for an earlier interview, completely caved in and admitted on air in public, that he didn’t pronounce the Arab words correctly, which was why Donald failed to know the difference between Kurds and Quds. Hewitt even admitted that Trump was the “best interview” ever.

So the 4th estate sinks to unimaginably new levels of useless propaganda mongering.

And the beat goes on.

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Conservative Comedy Show: Is That Some Sort of Oxymoron?

Tags

political satire, teabagger humor, the GOP

It is said (or at least it should have been said) that the human brain is pretty much capable of coming up with anything. I mean we humans have invented the most amazing ways of torturing people and killing them off bit by bit.

Go into any supermarket and stroll down the soda pop aisle or cereal aisle and you can see that we can invent several dozen variations on a theme, making each appear fresh and new.

But I swear I cannot come up with a viable version of comedy that stresses conservative themes and is funny at the same time. It would be a bit like pushing matter and anti-matter too closely together. It just implodes.

What on earth is funny about all the things that the GOP is for? They are for cutting taxes for the rich. That’s gotten to the point that nowadays we are sending money to them since they “pay” taxes in the negative.

They are for trying to offset their growing state deficits by adding “luxury” taxes to food and other necessities, taxes that cruelly attach more to the poor than any other group.

They are for the life of the fetus, which is surely laudable if it were coexistent with care for pregnant mothers, babies, health care, and a host of services to support that fetus as it grows to old age. But they are not.

They are against government intervening in the lives of ordinary people unnecessarily. They call this regulation. But the forms they wish to dismiss are those that protect people from dirty water, dirty air, shoddy manufacturing practices, unfair labor practices that endanger and diminish people.  They figure kids, rather than get a free lunch should sweep the school for their dinner.

But when it comes to regulating behavior, they can’t get enough of regulations. They want to and do, try to regulate every aspect of women’s bodies when it comes to reproduction and girls bodies too. They seek to regulate what women wear. They seek to protect the rights of others to treat fellow human beings badly based upon personal ideologies that they call a “religion.”

They seek to express American exceptionalism by meddling around the world, upping the ante everywhere, bloating defense budgets to accommodate their need to puff out their chests and “prove” America is better. At the same time, they protect themselves and their offspring from standing on any battlefield they create.

They seek to pretend that race and ethnicity no longer are of any concern in their America. They turn the page by flipping the equation such that anyone who brings up the issue is dubbed a “racist”. They employ a few dark faces, who for the price of personal fame, are willing to nod genteelly in agreement. They twist and cherrypick the words of great civil rights leaders and try to claim them as their own.

They live every day using every convenience devised by modern technology. They tweet and fly, pick up their fancy lattes, take their youth-enhancing shots at spas, drive computer directed cars, yet when it comes to any science that impinges on their gravy train of K Street lobbyists and the free-flowing money that is funneled their way, science becomes pure bunk.

They prefer stupid, cute-talking bobble heads to thoughtful men and women.

They prefer “common-sense” to education, except when they visit the doctor or the dentist or the accountant or the lawyer, or the airport pilot. Education is for elitists, who are people who want to be better than the average person, meaning they get embarrassed when they haven’t a damn clue what is being said.

They are all for individuality, and they mean that they will say that everyone is equal, and you can just do the best you can. If it don’t work out, why that poor house thing back in the twenties wasn’t so bad, and we got a lot of free road work done. See don’t you feel better knowing you are paying for your own gruel?

They want to, therefore, end social security, cuz individuals properly prepare for their own old age. John-Boy is remembered fondly and surely was going to care for his ma and pa. You don’t need medicare either since health care is no right but a privilege reserved for those who have managed to acquire sufficient funds to pay for it.

There is no need either for unemployment benefits because it’s your job to foresee that free markets might end your job. Worse, if you are so down and out as that, you probably are not of sufficient moral character to withstand the urge to just sit on your ass and suck off the rest of us anyway, and we can’t have that.

Food stamps? Hunger builds character. See the above regarding unemployment benefits regarding your unfitness for food.

Housing? Ditches are quite comfortable in summer I hear.

And let’s not forget the churches. Our fine Christian houses of worships are dedicated to helping the “truly” poor, whatever the hell that means. Not so much non-Christian houses of worship which are really just oxymorons, cuz that’s what my Jezus said, after all, somewhere; at least he implied it.

I mean two thousand years of working on that issue, is a good start!

Immigrants were us two hundred or so years ago, and that was fine. Everyone knows white trash from Europe beats red skins any day. And immigrants are really good at cleaning houses and mowing lawns and picking fruit. They don’t want hardly anything for the privilege. But too many? Oh now, that makes you an ALIEN and an ILLEGAL.

Those words are words of fear, because damn, I’m following all the good rules set up by my betters, and fuck, life is still not any better, so somebody is to blame, and my betters say it’s THEM.

So, we can hate us some Mexicans and, hell all of South America pretty much just cuz. But we will not hate the Cubans, at least the rich ones who escaped Fidel. They are not aliens or illegals, but good people who lost their wealthy land holdings and much to be commiserated with.

We can hate us some Arabs, as many as we want and wherever we want, because we just want their oil, them that got it at least. The rest? Who cares?

We can ignore all our history and all of the worlds for that matter just because it interferes with the narrative we have to tell ourselves today to get to sleep. I mean the past is the past, why dwell on uncomfortable things like slavery and partitioning and supporting dictators and crummy stuff like that. It just makes me feel bad, and, after all, we have to deal with TODAY right?

Let’s make history a quest to make our kids good Americans! And we know what will do that. Put God back in school! In fact, let’s turn over education our youth to private enterprise, cuz they will do the job better and cheaper! And they will never have an ulterior motive to teach our kids anything that was wrong, or quietly made themselves look like the best thing since sliced bread, will they?

Let’s continue to push for not letting those who think against us vote. Let’s continue to make judges do what we want them too.

Let’s put a gun in every graduate’s hand. And I ain’t talkin’ about graduating from college, or even high school. Grade school is old enough to understand proper gun usage. Carry it proudly son. It’s what the Founding Fathers wanted for sure.

This is what the Grand Overly Dead Party thinks. Now, if you can come up with how to make this funny, do tell. I can’t come up with anything. Not a damn thing. A wake? I can come up with that, but not comedy.

 

 

 

A Typhoon in the Bathtub Only Threatens the Rubber Ducky

Tags

America, Health care, Humor, immigration, life in the foothills, Politics, satire, state of the freakin' world, teabaggers, the GOP

Excuse me if I’m a bit confused here.

The GOP has agreed on one thing–to a man and woman they HATE Obamacare. I mean they don’t just think it’s not a good program, they see it, also to a man and woman as the singularly one piece of legislation that will be known historically as the only and complete cause of the demise of the Republic and like a domino, will precipitate the collapse of Western civilization (which is the only one worth discussing of course) as we know it.

They have worked tirelessly since its passage to repeal it, defund it, and/or otherwise make it ineffective. They have sued it, screwed it, and otherwise squeezed it until every bit of blood was drained from its carcass. This they have tried.

They have warned the public that the plug would be pulled on grandma, that death panels would deny their precious precocious preteen the very treatment needed for life, all in the name of communistic commune-style equality. They have said that the doctor you love so much that you never forget her birthday, will be ripped from your arms to be replaced by automatons spitting forth paper check-off symptomatic lists and nurses that cackle in the hallway as you sit drenched in sweat and shivering dressed in your paper suit awaiting the verdict from a committee of cost-cutting psychopaths.

They have, in the guise of their governorships and GOP-controlled state houses, refused to participate in enlarging their own Medicaid rolls, even when guaranteed that for the first three years the Federal government would pick up the entire tab and 90% of the tab thereafter. They have sat with arms crossed and refused to set up exchanges to allow their citizens easier sign-up.

They have threatened the very economy of the entire country rather than give up on their pipe dream of ending this law–all in the name of stopping the vicious damage they have predicted would ensue to Ma and Pa Kettle and all their lil’ childrens across the great American landscape.

Sooooooo.

It strikes me as odd, that when your constant refrain to folks is, by golly gee wiz, doncha dare sign up for that devil-inspired, dripping with communistic red health care plan, that when there are problems, as there always are, with the website and sign-up procedures, you are not jumping for joy at how many people are being saved from the evil law, but rather you are complaining about how difficult it is for people to sign up as if that is evidence that the law is all kinds of bad.

I mean my head is turning around faster than Regan in the Exorcist. Aren’t they glad the sign-up is not working? Instead all I see are properly “horrified” members of Republican rectitude moaning about how this “has got to be fixed” or defunded, or repealed, whichever.

Has there been ONE SINGLE offer of a solution?

Has there been ONE SINGLE offer of an alternative to insure those presently uninsured?

Oh, yeah, I forgot, this is the party of NO. This is the party of destruction. This is the party of no government is good government.

Except where you and my uteruses are concerned. Except where who I sleep with is concerned. Except where who I pray to is concerned. Except to what I learn as science is concerned. Except there. Oh yeah and except where there are enough cheap junk F-18+ how ever many more there are today that still don’t work worth a damn but until there are enough of them to have one in every damn driveway of America–Strength Through Massive Military Might–. Except where it concerns black and brown people and their pesky determination to continue having children and making me sooo uncomfortable that they might not want to the same things I do, so I need to keep them marginalized with voter suppression laws. Have I left anything out?

Now, the President has called once again for the House of Representatives of Big Business to get off their yawning asses and get on with some immigration reform. And the response of  Speaker out of both sides of his mouth, Boehner and his wanna be speaker next, Eric Cantor, has been, why sure we need some of that, cuz as rational? Republicans we know that we gotta placate those brown faces EVENTUALLY or we will never win a damn election again. But the rank and file? Oh my heavens no.

The same crazy that brought you 16+ days of glorious “screw America” can’t wait to bring you more of that sort of crap, because “I can’t stand to even look at your face” and you know that means that we can’t do a thing that would make this BLACK Demon look good. We enjoy cutting off our noses to spite our ugly faces doncha know? Course it ain’t got a thing to do with our fear that we as pasty white dudes are losing control of the reins of power. We are wearing Depends all the time now, cuz we are so scared you will do unto us as we have traditionally done unto you. But you’re being Black? Why that’s irrelevant to our cause, and besides you are only half-black which means something even worse to hear it from the TeaLegions of Crazy.

Which all goes to say, that I am expecting nothing to change.

Did you know these lazy asses have only 19 more days to work for the whole rest of the year?

And I am so very sick and tired of talking points.

And I’m in favor of taking a lottery system and putting everybody’s name in the drum, and drawing out the requisite number of sending them forth to Washington. It could not seriously be worse. I mean can you imagine worse at this point? Don’t you feel rather Italian? Or Greek? Hurrah, we now have governments just as chaotic and worthless as much of Europe. Or truthfully, are we more like China, with only the illusion of government meant to mimic real ones?

I’m going back to bed. At least my dreams involved palm trees, and warm sands and softly brushing waves upon the shore of my sanity.