The Stupid Chronicles for April 20, 2013

Tags

2nd Amendment, Arkansas, crap I learned, gay rights, green energy, Humor, immigration, Iowa, Louis Gohmert, Maine, racism, Stupid Chronicles, Texas

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just acting like a Hispanic. Yes dear Louis the Lunatic tops our list today. But it was a close call I tell ya. Louis never fails to deliver the one two punch of stupid all wrapped up in crazy nearly every week. We sometimes wonder if Louis has a bank of writers who dream up his lines, but on reflection that would surely tip the balance and throw civilization into a retrograde orbit.

Louis dear Louis has a gem for us today. Let me put it thusly. Louis viewed Rodin’s the Thinker, and opined, “why is that dude taking a shit in public?”

Louis doesn’t have a pet rock, he’s the pet rock’s pet.

Louis knows his terrorists and he is here to tell you what he has learned. Islamic terrorist organizations are busy helping their Arab folks “act Hispanic” so they can cross the border from Mexico into America. (added joy: there is a video!)

Yes you heard it here.

Although Louis had no opinion of who caused the Boston Marathon bombings at the time he said this, he was pretty darn sure that a fence is the way to go. After all, Israel’s suicide bombings stopped when they built their fence, he offered, unaware that that is not at all true. A good guess is always good enough for Louis.

Compatriot idiot Steve King (R-IA) nodded in agreement and said that the immigration reform bill should be held up, because surely this bombing was caused (he thinks) by some student on a visa.

Louis offered no ideas about how one “acts” Hispanic. Several racist theories comes to mind, but Louis stopped short of asking people to be on the watch for the “typical” Hispanic behaviors. He did whisper that a dead giveaway that you were dealing with a “pretend” Hispanic was to offer him a jalapeño pepper and see if he cries out in anguish and calls for water after taking a bite.

Texas takes our number two spot as well, which isn’t a big surprise–it’s a big state with big idiots in it.

This is Ms. Ester Irene Stokes. She’s a school teacher in Texas. Or was, or confound it, she probably got herself a medal now.

Anyway, she was accused of fondling one of her female students. Now Ms. Stokes is 61 and the child in question was seven. So that is very bad stuff.

So Ms. Stokes tells police and anyone else who will listen that she is not guilty.

You probably assumed that didn’t ya?

Yes, well she has a rather unique defense.

She says that she is such a racist that she can barely stand to touch those little black girls in her class. The mere touch of their hands gives her the heebie jeebies and sends her off to wash off that black skin feel. I mean she actually cringes when the little nappy heads try to hug here, which must happen once every ice age at least.

There have been no responses by the school in question as to whether Ms. Stokes was still employed. What ya wanna make a bet she won’t have any trouble finding another job in some parts of the country at least.

No doubt that face will be forever seared in your brain.

Third on our hit parade for the week is Maine’s governor Paul LaPage.

Now Paulie has come to our attention before as you can note from some of his best work at the right.

But he kinda ran out of material for a little while. After the last couple of days though, I think he’s back in fighting form.

The Bangor News seems to have a particularly low opinion in the Guv, suggesting that he “makes things up” a lot.

Well, Paul is at it again. Paul doesn’t like wind power. He thinks it’s somehow un-American, being all cheap and non-polluting and such. Oil and Gas don’t like air power and that’s enough for big Paul.

So Paul said, “Now, to add insult to injury, The University of Maine, Presque Isle – anybody here been up there to see that damn windmill in the back yard? Guess what, if it’s not blowing wind outside and they have somebody visiting the campus, they have a little electric motor that turns the blades. I’m serious. They have an electric motor so that they can show people wind power works. Unbelievable. And that’s the government that you have here in the state of Maine.”

Of course, no such thing is true. The University says there is no “little motor”.

All this would be funny, and it is, but the answer to Paulie’s nonsense is that he’s touched in the head. Read crazy as a loon. Read, coming up on Louis’s shoulder and threatening to pass.

Paulie intends to run for re-election. He predicts that the teacher’s unions better watch out, cuz he’s coming for them. And his new idol? Well that ever-favorite of Wisconsin, Scott Walker.

“I will guarantee you that you will see the most vicious education campaign ads that you’ve ever seen in your life next year, because I am going to be the next Scott Walker in this country, because I am challenging the status quo.”

No, Paulie is challenging the all-time low IQ in the USA. I am putting my bets he will win.

Fourth is a new face for us, GOP House Representative from Iowa, Dennis Guth.

Guth is one of those self-styled experts on the issue of homosexuality.

Guth first focused on the media and accused them of making that homosexual lifestyle seem good and nice, when we all know it’s really yucky.

See, Guth says, homosexuals are like “second-hand” smoke, they cause harm to those around them who are normal. They cause health risks to his family he says, by their increased invitation to transmittable sexual diseases. He opines that there are “more medical tests required” before you can give blood or birth. He thinks they are connected but forgot to say how.

Other than that, Guth was unable to explain why their diseases would “harm” his family, unless of course one posits that either he or members of his family regularly engage the services of willing homosexuals for ummm, sex.

Guth is an idiot, and his Democratic colleague told him so.

Our fifth and last entry for the week comes from good old Arkansas, a state that often shows us the butt end of humanity.

Nate Bell, is (you guessed it) a REPUBLICAN state rep from good old Ar-KANSAS, who is a protector of the 2nd Amendment, which he neither understands, nor defends with anything other than yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay blather.

Well, inside that fun face is a very human and very empathetic individual. So as soon as he heard about the manhunt going on in Boston and its environs, wondered via Twitter:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high-capacity magazine?

I mean how sympathetic can a guy be?

I mean really?

Nate withdrew the Tweet once it was pointed out to him that he was being a total douche. Of course it was up long enough for a long list of people to tell him that.

Good luck Nate on re-election.

And if you have not run into these videos (YouTube has several by the same guy), then sit back and for a couple of minutes, just chortle your little heart out. Dry up your tears at the above and replace with belly laughs.

Related articles

• LePage Spins Windmill Conspiracy Theory (thetippingpoint.bangordailynews.com)
• Outrage as Rep. Gohmert says radical islamists being trained to act Hispanic (nbclatino.com)

 

Putting “Bob” in a Search Engine

Tags

critical reading, critical thinking, Louis Gohmert, Media, PPH, right wing extremists, sex education, Texas

You know, everybody says they “don’t believe everything” they hear. Everybody likes to think of themselves as discerning individuals who eyes can’t be covered with wool. But the truth is, most people aren’t educated, or have not taken the time to really work at what can only be termed a skill set.

Being a critical reader doesn’t come naturally. A Facebook friend of mine is busy trying to educate a few people about how to tell the questionable from the reliable. He makes a good point. You might want to ignore a source that gives you salacious or wild headlines without a corresponding story. In other words, if the headlines don’t turn out to match the actual verifiable facts in the story, well, you might want to look elsewhere.

A case in point was a recent Rachel Maddow show wherein Ms. Maddow referred to the town hall meeting that John McCain had. A woman referred to her son as having been the victim of gun violence. She wanted to know about what laws Congress might pass. McCain first expressed his condolences for the loss of the woman’s son, and then remarked that “Congress was not going to ban assault weapons.”

Now Rachel indicated that the tape of this had been edited by a local news operation, and that “it might unfairly portray Senator McCain as lacking in compassion. (the tape omitted the sentence regarding McCain’s sympathies). The tape was offered for the news that McCain was saying that the GOP was not going for any ban on assault weapons and this was before there had even been any hearings on Feinstein’s bill.

Yet, the headline from a right-wing shrill machine was something like “Rachel Maddow gleefully admits she edited tape to make GOP look bad.”

I assume you get the point.

The Daily Caller has been pushing the Melendez story. You have obviously heard about it. Melendez is accused of cavorting with paid prostitutes at a friend’s home in the Dominican Republic. The story was apparently “leaked” by GOP operatives and offered to ABC news. They declined.

The right-wingers would say, “see, the MSM is in the pocket of the Democrats. They don’t report on misconduct of one of their own.” Is that what happened? No. Not at all.

The fact is that ABC interviewed one of the “prostitutes”. When asked how she knew that the man she had only known as “Bob” was a US senator, she replied that “I put his name in a search engine and Melendez’ picture came up.”

Why, I invite you to try that and see what you get.

ABC news declined the offer as “unreliable”, which of course The Daily Caller jumped all over it. Which one do you want to use as a source of information? (And I’m not pushing ABC news since I don’t find them all that good either.)

Which brings me full circle, since yesterday I unfairly maligned a nurse quite possibly, for failing to render CPR assistance to an elderly assisted-living woman. Apparently the woman had signed a DNR and I can presume that the nurse was aware of it. Or I would expect that was possible. In any case, I admittedly relied on only what I heard on news broadcasts from MSM and failed to delve any deeper into better sources. Mea Culpa. Live and learn. Hoisted on my own petard. (please insert any another euphemism that seems appropriate)

†

I’m inclined at this point to urge the government to just put a big ole fence around the state of Texas. Now granted, they are a big state, and they have a big population, but for Jimminy Cricket’s sake, they can’t have THAT many idiots can they?

Louis the Loon Gohmert is wasting your tax dollars once again with his amendment rider to a budget bill that would prevent any “federal funds” being used to transport the President to any golf outing until “White House tours are resumed”. Louis woke up from a drug-induced dream and thought he was in Lilliputian land again. The White House suspended tours to save money ala the sequester. Louis takes up space on the planet. I vote to suspend him from a hot air balloon, attached to the capital dome.

Another dim bulb in the state Senate wants to suspend operations like Planned Parenthood from submitted sex education materials to schools that teach sex education. Although all such materials are already subject to public availability and parental veto, Ken Paxton thinks (I know, a crazy word to apply to many in Texas), that present law doesn’t go far enough.

Places like PPH should not be allowed to offer health care information because of course they have a “conflict” of interests. Being that they provide abortions, they most surely would be promoting sex by unmarried teens as a way to, you know, keep business up.  While no example of any information that does that was offered as proof, insiders believe that if you put the brochures in water with a teaspoon of sugar, the words “HAVE SEX NOW!” will appear across the top of each page.

Okay, I added that last part.

And people talk about the misuse of taxes.

Related articles

• Daily Caller sticks with Menendez claims; ABC News discredits them (dailykos.com)
• MSNBC Uses Selectively Edited Video to Smear McCain (freebeacon.com)

Knee-Jerked into the Mouth

Tags

abortion, Texas, women's health

 

 

Oh Sigh.

There is a lot to be said for the argument that the Religiosity Righties don’t really care that much about life. One is forced to conclude that they really don’t. They say they do of course, because it is an issue they think they can stick it to liberals with.

So they crusade. They speak for the unborn, the “might be’s” of America and arguably the world, though I’m not sure how excited they get about Arab abortion (not that it is likely high of course). They, pushed to their logical noose, now mostly claim that there are no exceptions, except maybe, for a few, the “life the of mother”. The devil of course would be in the details as to what constituted an appropriate “life of the mother” episode. One doctor? Two? A panel? A court hearing? Who knows.

Those of us on the side of choice, do so for many reasons, not the least of which is that with better health care for women, and better contraceptive care, more effective and available alternatives, the need for the abortion alternative can be effectively reduced. Who wouldn’t want that?

One would assume no one, but that is not the case. These people who trip over themselves to out Jesus each other, place no truck in Jesus’ statement, “those who are not against us, are for us.”

The Right has demonized the left to a degree that it is anathema to work with them on anything, even on things that they would mutually agree with.

Ignore they will,  the polls that for years tell them that the bible belt contains the largest portion of unwanted, single mother pregnancies. The same polls suggest that these bible belt southern regions produce the most unwed teen girls. States that insist upon “abstinence only” as their basic “sex education” have the highest levels of pre-marital sex and pregnancy. They also have the most divorces but that is a whole ‘nother issue.

The politicians who have tied their wagon to the hue and cry Christianist*  movement are worse still. Many of them don’t give a tinker’s damn about the issue at all, it simply suits their election demographics. And when you marry fervent emotional morality issues with tickets to election bliss, you get insane legislation that on the surface attains the desired goal, but in reality just makes a mockery of the entire thing.

Case in point.

Texas.

Now, based on the law of gravity, stupid, undisturbed, sinks, so it stands to reason that more stupid people live in the south than in the north. I say that of course maintaining that my town is a grave exception to the rule, being inhabited both by myself and the Contrarian, but seemingly other bright, good folks. (I’d also exception out any number of blogging friends too of course, since they are often times brilliant!)

I digress.

Back to Texas.

Texas is un-blessed with one of the more stupid of governors. You need not take my word for it. Remember the Republican debates? Enough said.

Well, in the name of stopping that filthy abortion, Dumb Butt Perry stopped funding state clinics that he deemed too tied to those bad abortion practices. By doing so, he automatically made his state ineligible for federal funds, denoted as “Women’s Health Care” funding.

Following the SG (stupid governor), the state legislature then cut off all funds in public health clinics for “family planning” –you know, like contraceptive care.

As a result according to a New England Journal of Medicine study, poor women are unable to secure the better forms of contraception, having to rely on older less effective methods. Do they realize what that means?

Okay, let’s make it easy:

1. A desire to screw Planned Parenthood and get in good with the crazy right voter, leads to lower funding for all women’s health care clinics.
2. Less funding means clinics can’t provide free of charge the best forms of contraception.
3. Poorer forms of contraception lead to more pregnancies.
4. More pregnancies mean are unwanted.
5. More unwanted pregnancies lead to—–wait for it—-HIGHER FREAKIN’ DAMN ABORTIONS YOU MORONS!

Okay, this leads me to request that forthwith, the public demand of anyone running for office that they prove they can READ and WRITE, and can ADD and SUBTRACT, and can correctly identify simply SYLLOGISMS–you know if A and B, then C you freaking stupid dork NOT F.

This shit makes me see purple. It’s so idiotic. It’s beyond idiotic. It’s unworthy of a cadre of chimpanzees to come up with.  I pod of whales could do better. Hell my dog could reach a better result just by sniffing a few butts.

Women are people! They are not your special plaything to experiment on while you test out what gets you elected the fastest. And to those who claim this is a religious moral issue? You can’t define moral issue. You define immorality. Now go play with some snakes and talk some tongues, while the rest of us get on with developing a community of care for the citizenry of this country.

Really, I mean it.

Go sit down.

Really.

** Christianist is a term that I define as those on the fringes of the religious right who have used the Gospels to perpetuate their own aspirations for power, control and oppression. (This is Andrew Sullivan’s definition)

Related articles

• Republicans and the No Abortions, No Exceptions (except for me) Mentality (smd12364.newsvine.com)
• How To Prevent More Abortions (addictinginfo.org)
• Texas women’s clinics have reduced services and hours since Gov. Perry ordered family planning cuts, report says (alpinedailyplanet.typepad.com)
• A Bunch of Awesome Quotes on Abortion. (elephantjournal.com)
• It Turns Out, Using Contraception Drastically Improves Women’s Quality Of Life: Study (ibtimes.com)

 

Dang, I Nearly Forgot Texas

Tags

househunting, moving, New Mexico, Texas

I’ve been so engaged in all the craziness of trying to re-establish a life in New Mexico, that I nearly forgot part of our trip down. That would be Texas.

Now, I visited that state a whole bunch of years ago, and lived to tell the story, so I figured we could handle a quick pass through on our way to New Mexico. US54 passes through the panhandle of the state.

Upon entering, you learn right away that you are in the land of the longhorn. You are assailed again and again with TEXAS, TEXAS, TEXAS plastered on nearly everything. I mean every mile marker has the outline of the state emblazoned upon it, and well, just about everything else. I would guess that half of the business establishments with the state manage to some how squeeze in Texas as part of their name.

I don’t see this so much as an issue of pride as I do as an issue of helping the mentally disabled to know where there are. As long as you see the outline of Texas, you know you haven’t slithered forth into foreign territory.

We found ourselves hungry at around the lunch hour as we passed through the flat terrain of North West Texas. I had learned my map reading by then, knowing that town names that were in bold were usually large enough to support an eating establishment. True to form, Dalhart had indeed more than one food troughs, so we decided, since we were just passing through, that we owed it to ourselves to sample what Texas is famous for–beef!

The steakhouse we chose was lodged comfortably along the interstate, so we pulled in. We we immediately advised that if we had any firearms, we should not enter unless we were carrying legally. This would be akin to reminding entering patrons not to commit any crimes while inside. Well, that is Texas isn’t it? Restating the obvious.

The steak was a rib eye, and unremarkable. That in medical terminology means that it was not outside the norm in any notable way. Which means it was way overpriced for just being an average steak that I could cook at home for way less. But of course, I had the added comfort of being reminded regularly that I was in Texas–the walls had the outline of the state lines round about the dining area.

Ten gallon headpieces are de rigueur in Texas as well, it seems. At least for gentlemen, who also seem to prefer large silver belt buckles over standard fare. And of course, no costume would be complete without pointy shoes that appear to have been cut from reptilian creatures.

Our stay was short, and so of course, I cast no actual aspersions upon the fine people of Texas, except for that horse’s ass of a governor, the other Ricky.

UPDATE: Our money is in the bank here, the POD has been picked up and will shortly be on its way to El Paso and we are placing an offer on a house today. It’s not the house of my dreams. It’s a big part of my dreams, but doesn’t have everything I wanted. We have every expectation that our offer (which will take 2 weeks to confirm–the seller being out of country) will be accepted based on negotiations yesterday.

TIP: offer houses in parts, so that I can pick the kitchen I want, the view I want, the flooring I want, the appliances I want, the landscaping I want, etcetera, and create the perfect house. This should be easy enough? I found my perfect house, the problem was it existed in four separate ones. So we picked the best of course.

Life is gooder than it was. But the Contrarian and I are starting to feel like cell-mates in our one-room motel room. We figure three weeks and we will be going to our new home. Hopefully. Pray. Pray. Pray. lol

What’s Up? 06/21/10

Tags

bible, Books, cookies, gay rights, GOP, heroism, Jesus, reading, Recipes, sacrifice, teabagger, Texas

Take it from me, the Contrarian is a firm firm believer in this adage. You get my drift? You have been warned!

Okay, so it was supposed to rain all day Father’s Day, so you can bet your bippy that it rained nary a drop. Not a drop.

How many fine picnics were not had I have not the number, but I bet the weather people in Cedar Rapids are staying under cover for now.

I had otherwise a lazy day when I returned from church, reading some blogs but not feeling like writing. I noted a few to include today, actually some with significance.

I know this is rare, so hold onto your seats. A few folks wrote of things and did it better than I could. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe isn’t it? As the Contrarian is wont to say, “I made a mistake, then discovered sometime later than I was mistaken.”

Anyhow, I thought these posts were especially noteworthy, so I hope you might drop by and read them in full.

Mompriest talks about yesterday’s gospel reading and proves why she is a priest and I’m not. It’s so thoughtful and provoking and touching all at the same time. I hope you stop by.

D-Cup tells us all about what it takes to be a tea partier. Written with raw wit and so much truthiness it makes your nod while laughing. Don’t miss it.

In a posting on heroism and sacrifice, Tobias Haller, BSG outdoes himself, in a writing entitled The Difference of One.

Something I found so excellent, though it’s short, is from Jan at Yearning for God. Hint: It’s about bookcases. And I just loved it.

Backed to the reality of politics:

Joe. My. God has a rundown of the Texas GOP platform for this year. It’s about as hate-filled as you can get. The teabagger influence is apparent. The bright light here is that it’s hard to find two tea baggers who agree on much. I suspect that is why generally they aren’t doing well in general elections and will continue to fail. As long as they are led by their most rabid, which seems the case, they will continually fail to win votes from the middle.

I was kinda off baking for a while but have started up again, (I made bread sticks today for our spaghetti dinner). And I’ve been thinking a lot about desserts again. I was going to make Ree Drummond’s Malted Milk Chocolate Chip cookies tomorrow, but now, I’m thinking I may have to make these first. Coconut and Lime has S’mores Cookies. (I don’t think I have linked to Ree’s cookies, but I have the recipe and can e-mail it to anyone who wants it.)

Michael Bayly over at Wild Reed has a good post on the latest issue of Tikkum which features a number of articles on homosexuality. Tikkum is a Jewish religious magazine.  We carry it at our church and I’ll be looking for it tomorrow when I go in for a meeting.

Enuf for now!

It Was A Dark and Stormy Night. . . .

Tags

Eric Massa, Glenn Beck, Humor, Jesus, John McCain, Michelle Bachmann, Mike Tyson, rightwing agenda, Sarah Palin, satire, Texas, textbooks, the Rapture

Okay, so I’m mixing comic metaphors. Calvin and Hobbes, and Peanuts. And comics have zero to do with this post.

Laughter does. And paranoia. First the latter. How’s that for twisting your mind first thing? Okay.

I’ve got it on good intelligence, that there is an invasion of Merika going on. You are probably unaware, but it’s true. It’s one of those “look to your left, look to your right, one of you is not what they appear to be.”

K, thoroughly confused? Okay then we can proceed.

You see, people are traveling from far and near, mostly far, to visit Merika to study us Merikando’s or don’ts. We are officially designed as a “weird fly zone.” The most learned psychiatric institutes of Europe, the Far (as in Far) East, the Near (as in nearer) East, and heck, as I’ve heard, even Antarcticans (penguins I fear), are scrambling to send teams to the US of Alotofcrazyfolks to study the phenom known as “da red/white/blue brain.”

I kid you not. (who used to say THAT? I ask ya.) I got all this from the voice inside my fridge this smornin, so, you can take dat to the bank, I reckon.

I confirmed it quickly by racing through my personal Googly reader. Sure nuf, there were signs everywhere that Merika, land of states that look like gloves and penises, was off its freakin’ rocker!All the world is here to see, witness, report on, and otherwise make fun of us.

Here’s why:

The world at large continues to be amazed that this air sucking moron continues to get air time. Has anyone missed the delight of watching him and Eric Massa implode for different reasons the other day, as they circled each other like demons seeking purchase within an actual human soul? Since neither has one, it was pretty much a wash.

But do read Robert Elisberg’s fine post about it all. Best line of the article? “Glenn Beck is to journalism, what Cheese Whiz is to haute cuisine.” Of particular interest to foreign investigators is the study of facial ticks reported on Beck followers. Experts claim that the inner fortitude required to keep a straight face in the face of Beckistic craziness is likely to cause hernias or premature balding. 

Next up on the laugh-0-meter is the lengths a human being will go to to save his wrinkly old butt’s freeloading job. And the winner is——————>–<—————————>johnny mccain! The Wonkette wagon gets really wound  up on this one.

Indeed, members of the Vietnamese delegation of Retired War prisoner guards are munching Waldorf salads and arguing if he can out do himself in self-abasing begging to “please plezzzzzz, send me back to Washington once more.”

 And there is merit to the argument, cuz, after all,  who wants to come out their front door in the  Arizona morning and see old John, his robe flying open, as he searches the bushes for his morning paper. *Shudder* at the thought  of THAT image! Oh blech. . .let me wash out my eyes!

Ha! Now just try to sleep tonight after seeing this pic!

It’s our dear old friend Michelle Backmann, (R-MinnaSO TA). She and Glenn channel the same psychic. Pretty much anything that dribbles from the lips of said WOOOman (not to be confused with the female of the species Homo Sapien Sapien mind you) will do in a pinch.

This THING now suggests that anyone who doesn’t like the likely to be law, Health care reform bill, should just not pay their taxes, or whatever portion they might reasonably assess toward said health care socialistic communistic, Merika killing, white people’s home, legislation.

To borrow a phrase, Michelle Bachmann is to constitutional law what Sarah Palin is to foreign policy (I can see Russia from my window.)

Followers of Ms. Bachmann have been known to ask directions in a bank teller line, and otherwise sob uncontrollably when their TV privileges are rescinded by parents sure that their 45 year old son will never move out of the basement.

If you thought this next ditty was about Montana you are W R O N G. Naw, this is your brain on Texas school textbooks. Sixth graders asked to draw a map of the great old state of Texas, came up with this as their best guess of where the hell they are.

But investigators from Spain, and Morocco claim that with it’s move to rewrite history to its own liking, Texans have initiated a major coup. They, it seems, have placed themselves front and center, and first in line to be raptured in the “Jesus is on his way” religious ecstatic complement.

In fact, don’t bother going there, for its a mighty empty space now, all the good folks of the Lone Star (aptly named as you can see) are mostly in the clouds with Jesus as we speak. On the positive side (for the rest of us I mean), Goodwill reports that there are just tons of free clothes lying around for the taking. So get the U Haul fired up and you can probably make a killing on EBay selling the stuff.

And if you think that my little intro is funny, well, hit the link and really roll in the aisle. Just hold you mouth, in case the boss is lingering near your cubicle.

To finish her off, I offer up this gem. And I present a picture, lest you think I’m making this chit up.

Animal Planet has a new show a comin, so gear up the old Tivo, since you definitely don’t wanna miss this one. Mike Tyson (lend me your ears!) is into racing pigeons. And Animal Planet wants you to enjoy this “fascinating “”sport””‘.

Most everybody passed on studying this Merikan oddity, but a couple of Laplanders and three Tibetan monks were finally prevailed upon to actually watch and collect data. Scientists at CERN in Switzerland think it may be just the data they are looking for to answer the ubiquitous (been waitin’ for a chance to use that word today) question: What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything. The answer of 47 or something like that, was declared in error, three years ago. It would be best to stay well clear of Geneva in the next three weeks when testing is said to be going on. Radiation and all, or black hole degradation I’m told.

Enough, you are returned to your normal broadcasting.

The Funnest Game in Town

Tags

Arizona, Barbara Bush, Dick Cheney, John Cornyn, Karl Rove, Latinos, Newt Gingrich, SCOTUS, Sonia Sotomayor, Texas

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want in any way shape or form to return to the days of George (The “Decider”) Bush. They were all too often painful days, resulting in a lot of loss of life for dubious reasons. (Some would say, no reason at all.)

However, there was a certain amount of predictability in George’s world, things we could count on. We knew and understood the players, knew what to expect from them and what not to.

I often imagine the following happening on a weekly basis. Bring down the lights, quiet the audience, and we open at the White House switchboard.

“One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy…..yes, is this the party to whom I am speaking?”

“What the hell? Who is this? Is this the White House? Put on the flat head!”

“Excuse me? This is the White House, to whom are you asking? (snort, snort)

“The flat head–and make it quick. I haven’t got all day.”

“And who is this may I ask? Are you the person to whom I am speaking?”

“I’m his mother, Barbara Bush, now get him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Bush, (snort, snort), but the President is unavailable. Can I take a message for the party whom I am not speaking to?”

“Listen sister, put my SON on the phone or I’ll show you a trick I can do with these pearls!”

(after a slight delay)

” (sigh) Yes, mama?”

“George! What in the hell are you doing now? You’re father was watching the TV and now is trying to hide under leaves in the back yard. I told you a hundred times, don’t do anything without checking with Jeb first. You didn’t push any buttons did ya? Just tell me you didn’t push any buttons, big red ones?

“Yes, mama, I remember, and no I haven’t pushed any red buttons.”

(and then the rest of what George did would unfold)

Those were the days were they not? With Hastert and DeLay running the House and the rest of the Rethugs claiming that any word against the Prez and his plans was “unpatriotic” and Democrats were forever dead. God was coming to Washington!

As the years progressed of course, Rethugs got quieter and more and more when asked what they thought of George’s latest policy, they were heard to reply:                                           

“I KNOW NUZZZING!”

Of course in the end, George learned that his input was no longer required. He was not invited to campaign for hardly anyone, and a convenient excuse was worked up to keep him away from the Convention.

We should have known. The die had been cast, there was worse to come. No longer in charge of anything much, the Rethugs much as a giant brain without anything to think about, began to deteriorate.

It turned to it’s old favorites Rush and Sean, Bill, and the new kid Glenn. They even got themselves that token thingamajig, and made him their head company man. They talked some jive, they talked a lot of God, and they talked about the joys and benefits of waterboarding. They warned of them spendin’ crazy DemocRAT socialists, and finally dropped all pretense and screamed “FASCISTS!!!”

Now a few in the party looked askance at all this rightwing nuttery and pleaded for sanity. But no, the actual Rethugs themselves had now been infected with the crazy bug. Out popped in stunning technicolor the likes of Steve King and Michele Bachmann slavering about the impending demise of “Merika.” Where but here would we turn the good old CCC of the Roosevelt days into “indoctrination” camps?

Meanwhile, the three Repooplicans, otherwise known as the “Three Amigos” (Karl, Newt, and Dick) have determined that the best way to save the Grand Old Party, is to destroy it.

And busy as bees they are, doing just that. Dick, “The Dick,” is running cross country crying at the top of his lungs, “The sky is falling,” or “The wolf, the wolf,” depending on the time of day.

Newt, is running for something, and finds everything that the President does as simply awful. By the way, Newt wants everyone to admire his new found piousness, spanking new soul, all clean and such. Having the the Church of Rome spiffy him all up he thinks makes him fit for office. “Pelosi should resign! Imagine saying that the CIA lies! Why it’s unMerikan!”

Karl, the “Dough Boy” just swells up as dough is wont to do, and spews out all the venomous clap trap that they other two have shoveled into his empty cranium. He smiles, “Going to Yale, doesn’t mean she’s smart you know!” I guess that means perhaps boy wonder there Georgie might not be either? But who knows, Karl certainly doesn’t, he’s just a human hose, fill him up, and turn him on.

Which all leaves me, loyal reader, feeling that it is just too too easy to attack these walking dead. But then, here’s where it gets strange. I mean strange indeed.

Sonia Sotomayor is appointed to be a new Justice on the SCOTUS. You can expect the usual rhetoric from the limping soggy old crew of regulars. They are “wait and see,” cuz they haven’t “read her opinions,” or “heard her testimony” yet. The usual nonsense, which means, I’m voting agin her but I can’t say that yet.

Along comes the usual crew of Wingnut pundits saying “she’s a racist, she’s a racist” and guess who takes up that refrain? Oh none other than Karl and Newt blasting it all over the Foxy Newsless forum. “She’s a racist! My God, she should resign right this very minute! What a terrible choice. If a white dude had said that, why mercy me, they’d be hanging him at high noon!”

Whereupon, John McCain rushed out and got himself an unlisted number, mumbling, . . . . “must say that we have to wait, see what she says, must look senatorial. . . . thoughtful, intellectual, honest and fair. That’s the ticket.” Go to the bunker John, stay out of touch. “God forbid, what are they trying to do? My freakin’ state is crawling with brown skins, I can’t be caught up in calling a Latina a racist for God’s sake!”

John Cornyn finds the whole thing a disaster. “God, I can barely justify visiting the Alamo here in Texas, I can’t afford to piss off the Mexicans!” He scurries and rounds up a Sunday talk show gig just to scream, “Karl and Newt have gone too far!”

Imagine, John Cornyn being the voice of reason in the house of Elephant? Who would have thunk it?