The Stupid Chronicles: May 25, 2013

Tags

E. W. Jackson, GOP, Humor, satire, Stupid Chronicles, tea party, teabaggers

The catch of the week is E. W. Jackson, nominated by the great state of Virginy GOP’ers to be the next Lieutenant Governor along with already pretty darn crazy Ken Cucchinelli. Terry McCauliffe’s chances of taking the governorship just went up exponentially.

Some say that during the nominating convention, when Jackson started to get too much support, rational Republicans moved to support Jackson as about the only feasible way to show the insane Teatottlers that they were a doomed bunch who had to be purged of the Grand OLD Party. Did not Bobby Jindal say the same when he urged the party to stop being the party of stupid. Stupid we all know means teabibber gibberish.

They truly don’t get much nuttier than the dear Reverend who once referred to the original constitution’s 3/5 clause was an “anti-slavery clause”, which is, as anybody in their freakin’ right mind knows, a serious distortion of history to say the least.

In Jackson, the Republicans have, what they always wish for, another good House Negro: a black man (they don’t use the term African-American in conservative circles) who will turn his back on his own race and accept the grateful crumbs of the extreme right, who will parade him around as their “proof” that they aren’t racist. The usual suspects are touting him as their new savior–because he has “American” values and doesn’t “play the race card”–all now euphemisms for “we got us a darkie who will dance to our tune”. The Manassa Tea Party joyfully reported that the biggest applause line for Jackson at the nomination convention was his proud assertion that “I’m not an African-American, I’m an American.”

Here are some of the delightful things that Mr. Jackson has had to say about, well lots of things.

1. He once compared Planned Parenthood to the KKK, apparently buying into the right-wing extremist claim that PPH is designed and devoted to black genocide, one baby at a time. Such of course is sheer nonsense, and given that these same reactionaries are opposed to every and all efforts to feed, educate and maintain with health care these same black babies once born, one can dismiss the argument as sheer hyperbole.
2. He of course is also on the band wagon chiming in with the usual House Negro complaint that African-Americans who vote Democratic are nothing but plantation negroes.
3. He has claimed that the President has a Muslim view of the world. He gets this weird notion from a speech in which Obama used the term “Muslim world”–a term Jackson claims is “only” used by the Muslim Brotherhood and other radical groups. I mean who can argue with day-care logic of that level?
4. He has made claims that gays are “perverted” and “very sick people psychologically, mentally, and emotionally.” He has tweeted that gays are “ikky“.  He has said that same-sex marriage will lead to bestiality, claiming Adam and Steve will become Adam and the bull.  
5. He has asserted that the “Democratic agenda is worthy of the anti-Christ.”
6. Jackson maintains that President Obama doesn’t believe in the constitution and is intent upon setting up a lawless dictatorship.

Cucchinelli, who has already been trying to tone down his own TeaFoolish connections to appeal to, you know, normal people, is already apparently claiming that he doesn’t have to defend his new BFF, Jackson. I shouldn’t wonder why.

Normal, rational mainstream Republicans are utterly taken aback. Michael Steele is alleged to have said, “Is the Virginia GOP trying to engage in a ‘How to lose an election 101?'” But not so the crazies. No, they are alive and well. I’ll give you a sample of what the great uninformed and basically stupid are saying:

• E. W. Jackson is an awesome, and highly qualified person. (No relation to Jesse obviously) ( WND)  If you didn’t know, Jesse Jackson is the poster child for unacceptable Negro in he Teadrippers pantheon of bad Negroes. JJ plays the “race card” meaning he stands up for African-American rights in a racist world, something that the average Teasniffer disavows as uncomfortably directed at them.
• Love that Ewwwwww Jackson. Just love him. We should just give him all of our white daughters. You know. Cuz whites are all a bunch of immasculated panty-waists thanks to threats of being charged with racism and hate crimes if you ever call a spade a spade or demand equal protection from the most criminal elements in our society. Go ahead. Give him your vote. You won’t be getting your country back by voting anyway. (WND) Have no clue what this person even means. But nobody much suggests that TeaSniffers can write sentences that are understandable.
• Republican principles, however, are centred on individual initiative, freedom, and responsibility, something which ethnics don’t quite understand. (WND)  I can only assume that being a House Negro makes you somehow not “ethnic”. Neat trick.
  
• How long before he is labeled a “token” by the left or “not authentically black” by what qualifies as leadership within the liberal African-American Community? (Breitbart)  Ummm, they already did dude. That was back before you ever heard his name and jumped on to make him your new black boy.
• The Tea Party is completely open to having successful and talented Republican black men and women in the party but the Demonrat/Media racist hate machine usually destroys them before we stand a chance. Wait for the flood gates to open on this guy too. It’s probably already started. Hope America wakes up to the evil that is the modern “retroprogressive”. (Breitbart) Oh what is a retroprogressive? I think I might want to be one of those.
• Granted, there were not that many minorities attending, but I’m hoping E.W. will be a bridge to that community.(Breitbart) Yes, it’s a well-known fact that Negroes vote by skin color. No doubt all the fine negroes in Virginia will line up for all the fine things he offers to bring them in terms of policy. Dang, will somebody stop making pigs fly? Or at least not feed them before sending them airborne?

We give to Mr. E. W. Jackson congratulations on his fine winning of the nomination. We hope that all of Virginia will give a warm pot of piss to the TeaBooglers and their racist, homophobic, bible-chewing rhetoric come election day.

Related articles

• Democratic leaders take aim at GOP pick Jackson’s ‘extreme agenda’ (wjla.com)
• E.W. Jackson for Lieutenant Governor (rightwingliberal.wordpress.com)
• Meet GOP’s fringy new star, E. W. Jackson (salon.com)
• GOP Candidate Compared Planned Parenthood To KKK (huffingtonpost.com)
• African-American Richmond Pastor Rev. Joseph Ellison Says Black Churches Will Stand with E. W. Jackson All the Way Despite Criticism (blackchristiannews.com)
• Black GOP Virginia Lt. gov. nominee stirs controversy with anti-gay views (thegrio.com)
• Getting to know E.W. Jackson (maddowblog.msnbc.com)
• E.W. Jackson explains why it’s not fair to use his own words against him (dailykos.com)
• Have the Republicans Found Their House Negro? (bothwell.typepad.com)

 

The Stupid Chronicles for April 20, 2013

Tags

2nd Amendment, Arkansas, crap I learned, gay rights, green energy, Humor, immigration, Iowa, Louis Gohmert, Maine, racism, Stupid Chronicles, Texas

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just acting like a Hispanic. Yes dear Louis the Lunatic tops our list today. But it was a close call I tell ya. Louis never fails to deliver the one two punch of stupid all wrapped up in crazy nearly every week. We sometimes wonder if Louis has a bank of writers who dream up his lines, but on reflection that would surely tip the balance and throw civilization into a retrograde orbit.

Louis dear Louis has a gem for us today. Let me put it thusly. Louis viewed Rodin’s the Thinker, and opined, “why is that dude taking a shit in public?”

Louis doesn’t have a pet rock, he’s the pet rock’s pet.

Louis knows his terrorists and he is here to tell you what he has learned. Islamic terrorist organizations are busy helping their Arab folks “act Hispanic” so they can cross the border from Mexico into America. (added joy: there is a video!)

Yes you heard it here.

Although Louis had no opinion of who caused the Boston Marathon bombings at the time he said this, he was pretty darn sure that a fence is the way to go. After all, Israel’s suicide bombings stopped when they built their fence, he offered, unaware that that is not at all true. A good guess is always good enough for Louis.

Compatriot idiot Steve King (R-IA) nodded in agreement and said that the immigration reform bill should be held up, because surely this bombing was caused (he thinks) by some student on a visa.

Louis offered no ideas about how one “acts” Hispanic. Several racist theories comes to mind, but Louis stopped short of asking people to be on the watch for the “typical” Hispanic behaviors. He did whisper that a dead giveaway that you were dealing with a “pretend” Hispanic was to offer him a jalapeño pepper and see if he cries out in anguish and calls for water after taking a bite.

Texas takes our number two spot as well, which isn’t a big surprise–it’s a big state with big idiots in it.

This is Ms. Ester Irene Stokes. She’s a school teacher in Texas. Or was, or confound it, she probably got herself a medal now.

Anyway, she was accused of fondling one of her female students. Now Ms. Stokes is 61 and the child in question was seven. So that is very bad stuff.

So Ms. Stokes tells police and anyone else who will listen that she is not guilty.

You probably assumed that didn’t ya?

Yes, well she has a rather unique defense.

She says that she is such a racist that she can barely stand to touch those little black girls in her class. The mere touch of their hands gives her the heebie jeebies and sends her off to wash off that black skin feel. I mean she actually cringes when the little nappy heads try to hug here, which must happen once every ice age at least.

There have been no responses by the school in question as to whether Ms. Stokes was still employed. What ya wanna make a bet she won’t have any trouble finding another job in some parts of the country at least.

No doubt that face will be forever seared in your brain.

Third on our hit parade for the week is Maine’s governor Paul LaPage.

Now Paulie has come to our attention before as you can note from some of his best work at the right.

But he kinda ran out of material for a little while. After the last couple of days though, I think he’s back in fighting form.

The Bangor News seems to have a particularly low opinion in the Guv, suggesting that he “makes things up” a lot.

Well, Paul is at it again. Paul doesn’t like wind power. He thinks it’s somehow un-American, being all cheap and non-polluting and such. Oil and Gas don’t like air power and that’s enough for big Paul.

So Paul said, “Now, to add insult to injury, The University of Maine, Presque Isle – anybody here been up there to see that damn windmill in the back yard? Guess what, if it’s not blowing wind outside and they have somebody visiting the campus, they have a little electric motor that turns the blades. I’m serious. They have an electric motor so that they can show people wind power works. Unbelievable. And that’s the government that you have here in the state of Maine.”

Of course, no such thing is true. The University says there is no “little motor”.

All this would be funny, and it is, but the answer to Paulie’s nonsense is that he’s touched in the head. Read crazy as a loon. Read, coming up on Louis’s shoulder and threatening to pass.

Paulie intends to run for re-election. He predicts that the teacher’s unions better watch out, cuz he’s coming for them. And his new idol? Well that ever-favorite of Wisconsin, Scott Walker.

“I will guarantee you that you will see the most vicious education campaign ads that you’ve ever seen in your life next year, because I am going to be the next Scott Walker in this country, because I am challenging the status quo.”

No, Paulie is challenging the all-time low IQ in the USA. I am putting my bets he will win.

Fourth is a new face for us, GOP House Representative from Iowa, Dennis Guth.

Guth is one of those self-styled experts on the issue of homosexuality.

Guth first focused on the media and accused them of making that homosexual lifestyle seem good and nice, when we all know it’s really yucky.

See, Guth says, homosexuals are like “second-hand” smoke, they cause harm to those around them who are normal. They cause health risks to his family he says, by their increased invitation to transmittable sexual diseases. He opines that there are “more medical tests required” before you can give blood or birth. He thinks they are connected but forgot to say how.

Other than that, Guth was unable to explain why their diseases would “harm” his family, unless of course one posits that either he or members of his family regularly engage the services of willing homosexuals for ummm, sex.

Guth is an idiot, and his Democratic colleague told him so.

Our fifth and last entry for the week comes from good old Arkansas, a state that often shows us the butt end of humanity.

Nate Bell, is (you guessed it) a REPUBLICAN state rep from good old Ar-KANSAS, who is a protector of the 2nd Amendment, which he neither understands, nor defends with anything other than yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay blather.

Well, inside that fun face is a very human and very empathetic individual. So as soon as he heard about the manhunt going on in Boston and its environs, wondered via Twitter:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high-capacity magazine?

I mean how sympathetic can a guy be?

I mean really?

Nate withdrew the Tweet once it was pointed out to him that he was being a total douche. Of course it was up long enough for a long list of people to tell him that.

Good luck Nate on re-election.

And if you have not run into these videos (YouTube has several by the same guy), then sit back and for a couple of minutes, just chortle your little heart out. Dry up your tears at the above and replace with belly laughs.

Related articles

• LePage Spins Windmill Conspiracy Theory (thetippingpoint.bangordailynews.com)
• Outrage as Rep. Gohmert says radical islamists being trained to act Hispanic (nbclatino.com)