Don’t You Dare Hail From. . . .

Tags

Humor, States on Parade

I hail from New Mexico. No, I didn’t just realize that. But I am thoroughly a New Mexican. Not to be confused with an old Mexican, although there are plenty of those around. I proclaim that with the requisite amount of pride. Coming from me that’s saying a lot, since I’m one of those people who find borders rather arbitrary and usually inconveniently placed things. I don’t like much in the way of nationalistic pride if you will.

This is not a new thing, the pride thing that is. I recall a quite similar sensation when I hailed from Connecticut. One swaggered as a Connectican, or the East Coast equivalent of that. We were here first ya know. I recall being rather amazed to see street names and town names that were familiar to me as a Michigander in Connecticut and realizing that they named theirs first. Those that went West did had a certain courage, but not a lot of creativity.

I was born and raised in Michigan, and lived a goodly long time in Iowa. Yet, I have zero pride in either one, although I’d be the first to say, that by and large they are mighty okay places to hail from. I mean Michigan can be quite pretty with its lakes and lakeshores. Iowa can bedazzle with its long expanses of waving corn fields.

So, I consider myself quite lucky, for I’ve never been embarrassed by where I lived. A place or two within my be embarrassing. Detroit, once a great city, rough and tough, is ugly and bloodied now after years of a perfect storm of dropping car sales, and racial bias that resulted in the famous “white flight.” All  has left the city a mere shell of its former self, clinging to life, and trying to re-invent itself.

When you said you were from Detroit, people got “that look” and you could hear, “how unfortunate for you” ringing in your ears. But I’m not here to eulogize Detroit. Hopefully it will resurrect into something leaner and meaner.

I am here to mostly poke fun at places that one should never hail from, not because of their misfortune but for obvious wrongs that are just because. Such as Schenectady. One should not come from Schenectady. See, you can hear the word before you even say it. It sounds like some sort of snot glob in one’s throat. And quite frankly, if you don’t hail from NYC, then living in New York is, well, “how unfortunate for you” comes to mind.

I mean think of it. Someone says, “where are you from?” You say, “New York”, and they say, “oh you must love the theatre and the museums! Do you work in Manhattan?” You are then forced to mumble in utter embarrassment that you live somewhere in the rest of the state, places that NO ONE cares about. The average person could sooner find Turkey on a world map than Schenectady for God’s sake!

Similarly, one should not hail from Florida, after a certain age. To hail from Florida once past sixty, signifies that you have given up and are prepared to wear garish nail polish, too much jewelry, gaudy-blue or bright red hair attached to a head that is starting to wrinkle even across the skull. It is a public announcement that you have succumbed to being Aunt Tilly with those annoyingly yappy lap dogs trailing her and her walker everywhere.

One should not hail from Montana either. I mean yes, it has Big Skies, but it also has BIG F**KING EXPANSES OF LAND WITH NO PEOPLE, JUST HORSES. You tell the world that you are not fit for real society, can’t get along with others in the sandbox of life, and deserve to live an ignominious life in a log cabin trapping beaver for a living. You whack your hair off with a bowie knife once a year whether it needs it or not, and have a freezer full of moose burgers.

You should never live in Arizona. I’m sure I need go no further. But I will.

First, you live in a state whose initial settlers were so dull that the best name they could come up with for the most amazing canyons in the entire world is “GRAND”. That should tell you something. Second, it, like Florida, is a retirement haven, so it’s a place where old people go to die, while complaining about their ailments and their thankless children until they do.

Third, it has a state government run by crosses between roadrunners and horned toads, and they are all much cuter to look at, the toads that is. Living in such a mean-hearted state means you are callous, indifferent to the suffering of your fellow man, and stingy.

Don’t even think of hailing from Missouri. I drove through that place once. Nastiest people in the world, and I can tell you that their homes must be something else on the inside. How do I know? There is nothing but a parade of gaudy roadside signs accompanying you the entire way through. Anybody who thinks that is attractive, well, they probably put plastic over their sofas.

And seriously, a state that today can’t decide whether it is Ma-zoo-ri, or Ma-zoo-ah, is well, Ma-Stupid. It’s darn near in the middle of the country and that means that people going North, South, East or West, chose to KEEP GOING!

Living in most anywhere in the South denotes you aren’t really bright, since we all know that low IQ’s sink.

Hailing from Texas, well what I can I say? There is so much wrong with Texas that it would take half the state, papered to tell it all. Texas is proof that big is not better–a lesson Alaska failed to learn obviously. I travel into Texas from time to time, and the PAVEMENT CHANGES FROM GOOD TO CRUMMY UPON ENTERING THE LONE STAR STATE. Have you ever asked you why they are a “lone star”? Think about it. Most of what fills a ten-gallon hat is AIR.

So, that’s my take on some parts of America. I’m sure you are all in total agreement, but don’t get the idea that you’ve just been invited to New Mexico because of that. We are pretty darn selective about who we let in. ¿Comprendes?

The Welcome sign from Alabama

What in the World is Going On in Maryland?

Tags

/S, Humor, Maryland, satire, States on Parade

One look at the map and you know we are in big trouble here. I mean did they hire someone in the thralls of a high state of the palsy to draw the boundary lines? You note immediately that Pennsylvania and Delaware both drew strict straight lines, separating themselves from this madness.

Virgina and West Virginia for reasons best left unsaid at this point, were too lazy to demand some cleanliness of line, and allowed a river to dictate the state’s limitations. Babies!

So little self-respect has this silly looking state, that they carved out a section and gave it away to be the seat of the Federalies. The DC’ers as you note, did their best to have some straight lines, and straight thinking along three of their borders.

If you need further proof that this place is a little off in the head, take a look at this “state flag” and tell me, “what in the hell is that?”

Not only is it unintelligible, its butt ugly to boot.

One of its nicknames is the “Old line state.” I don’t even want to know what that means.

And then there is the manner of its naming. Maryland. One could just assume that these folks aren’t good spellers, and that in keeping with the frivolous boundary lines, it meant “Jolly times here land”, but frankly the truth is worse.

The state was founded by “Lord” Baltimore, a royal from the Irish House of Lords. The name was chosen to “honor” the name of Mary, Charles I, king of England’s wife. This of course may make some sense in those early days (1632), but the fact that it was not changed after the revolution, tells you just how lazy and/or suspicious these people really were and perhaps still are.

Calvert (the Lord’s real name) was a Catholic, so Catholics got all the high positions, but Charles the King of the realm, apparently as a joke, sent tons (tens of thousands)  of convicts to live there. So we know that today, many a person who is a long time resident of “mary”land is the spawn of nefarious types.

Actually the boundary with Pennsylvania was a long drawn out affair, the subject of wars, and ultimately decided as the “Mason-Dixon line“. Similar disputes arose with Delaware which was once part of Maryland, but wanted to get the heck out of such a silly state and finally did.

The whole Catholic thing didn’t last long. Puritans arrived and soon put a stop to all that nonsense. Puritans you remember came here for “religious tolerance” but mainly only their own. They were ferocious opponents of anyone who didn’t agree with their take on all things Christian, and well, you can imagine what they thought of Jews and  the poor Native Peoples.

Anyway the state moved merrily along up to the revolution, importing lots of indentured workers and slaves to do the dirty work, while the rich landowners sat on their verandas, sipping tea, and commenting on the plenitude of blue crabs that season.

For reasons no one knows, they joined the revolution. Fort McHenry, protecting Baltimore, during the War of 1812, served as the inspiration of The Star-Spangled Banner, that nearly impossible song for a normal person to sing on key.

Again for no discernible reason, Maryland freed most of its slaves and was on the right side of the Civil War, probably because Lincoln threatened to give back the District of Columbia if they didn’t and nobody had any use for all those buildings.

Still, loyalty was at a minimum, and nearly 25% of the state’s young men, joined the Confederate side. Lincoln suspended habeas corpus in the state and that really ticked off the Chief Judge, Roger Taney, who just happened to be a native of good old Maryland. Lincoln jailed the mayor of Baltimore and some others for their pro-southern  sympathies. We are told “these matters are still being legally debated.” No word whether the mayor is still locked up or not.

Rich people still abound in Maryland, making it the richest per capita state in the union with median income at nearly $70,000 a year.

They fish a lot there. And they move stuff around a lot by rail and ship. A ton of them go to DC to work every day.

It has the dubious distinction of having been the home of Spiro Agnew, but then we told you that there is a lot of criminality in the history of the state. That is most surely the Republicans; it has been a Democratic state since time immemorial and certainly none of them is a criminal. 

Animal wise, the do have the Chesapeake Bay Retriever, bred specially for water sports. That’s a good thing. A reptile that is prominent there is the terrapin which is a turtle. This, for some inexplicable reason was adopted as the mascot of the University of Maryland. Where most sports are about speed and agility, the school chooses to advertise that its sports teams are slow and clumsy. Go figure.

About the best that can be said is that a summer tour of the state boundary line would be a dizzying experience.  All in all, a state which still retains the name of a foreign queen and was populated overwhelmingly by dangerous criminals, is simply not to be trusted. Drive through it if you must, but keep your doors locked.  

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What IS Going on in Florida?

Tags

Florida, Humor, States on Parade, What's Going on?

Florida is a land of liars! There. Let’s not mince words here.

I mean, you only have to LOOK at the shape of it. Everybody knows it’s one big fat penis. Even has some little cahones just southeast of Panama City. (Boy were they lost! Panama is like a whole other COUNTRY!)

And then there is that spume of something or other (I’ll not use the word) spilling forth, ending in something called “Key West.”

So, this must be the sexy, harlot-seeking, revelry bending, sex-pot o’ the Americas right? WRONG. It’s the home of the largest population of flabby flaccids in the nation. It’s the king of NO ERECTION here. Everybody’s old uncle Al and Grampa Bill retires to Florida.  You could carpet the entire state with all the polyester draping these wrinkly old bodies! That and gaudy jewelry, red, red lipstick and hot pink toenail polish worn by blue-haired mammas strutting their stuff as they push their walkers down the board walks of Sarasota and West Palm Beach.

And then, get this, they invite Disney to build a theme park there to attract children and their parents! Now this is an explosive situation. Older-than-sin elderly, all gripping with a death hold their driver’s licenses, meeting head on (and I do mean that literally) with busy, we-only-got-three-days-to-see-it-all parents with three screaming under-the-age-of-ten monsters demanding to go to Sea World next!

The carnage is everywhere. Speed limits here are a minimum of 1 and maximum of 12, or as fast as your walker can wheel. And the stop lights? The cross walk is no man’s land for cars, for a solid 17 minutes. Did I mention that all these blue-bonnet lassies are towing a 15oz excuse for some dog? That slows things to a well, backward would actually be an improvement.

So wanna go their yet?

The state was the first to see Europeans, yet, it waited until 1845 to become a state of the union, exhibiting I guess a lot of questionable conduct. Ponce de Leon was the first to arrive and named it La Florida, or flowery land. No idea what the inhabitants who were already there called it. Home comes to mind.

The usual wars ensued when the English came around. Mostly they set English supporting tribes on Spanish supporting tribes. The English are good at getting others to do their dirty work.

Slaves regularly ran away to Florida, where the Spanish first converted them to Roman Catholicism, and then set them free. Never one to let an opportunity go by, the Catholics.  The Treaty of Paris gave the mess to England, and the Treaty of Versailles gave it back to the Spanish. Spain gave it to the New U S of A, in exchange for us not meddling in Texas. (We lied. Note that as a pattern)

Once we owned it free and clear it was time to clean out the Indians (remember those people who called it simply “home.”). Three Seminole Wars later, the state was still not rid of them pesky red skins, and some of them took to the Everglades, where they are said to remain to this day.

With the discovery of how good cotton grows, the state changed it’s mind about freedom for Africans, and enslaved them again (remember we  lie a lot) and put them to useful work in the fields. You all know how that story ended.

The state remained low in population until old people, who are always slow to get new things, discovered it was WARM there, and started their walker migration.

Florida suffers more lightning strikes than any place in the US. Most of those are to old men in golf carts. Gotta get that exercise you know. Wives exercise by lifting bloody marys in the club house. This means that over time, there are more old women than old men, and gigolos flock to retirement settlements to find an easy mark.

Hurricanes don’t deter these folks, mostly because Alzheimer’s robs them of any recall of the last one. Many are seen roaming around the malls with inflatable vests over their leisure suits, “just in case.” Nursing homes pass them out as the height of  “chic” and the poor dears never know the difference.

There are some nice animals that live there, but this is overshadowed by all the icky reptiles.

Hanging chads. Need I say more?

On the plus side, it has the lowest incidence of earthquakes, so the penis will not be falling off it seems.

Two-thirds of the population was born in another state, so no point in asking directions anywhere. Chances are, they won’t know.

I could give you actual numbers, but let’s just say, it’s mostly white with a localized Cuban population. Not to be confused with Hispanic. Believe me on this. They are two totally different things.

Median age: OLDER THAN SIN

Religion: Very Catholic and when it’s not, it’s Jewish.

Economy: you know, oranges and grapefruits. Oh yeah, and tourists who come to look at all the old people.

Education: classes are held when they can get enough children together to fill a classroom.

My advice: Don’t waste your time. Most of the state will be under water in a few decades due to rising sea levels.  The “Big Dick” will be reduced to a Pencil Dick by then. 

If you are a girl gigolo and looking for a hot sugar daddy with deep pockets, just hang out at the mall and look for men whose belts are up under their armpits. And SCORE!

What is Going on With Alabama? #3

Tags

Alabama, essay, Humor, States on Parade

When a state needs four A’s in its name, you know you are dealing with an inferiority complex par excellence. I mean really.

Indeed, when your maps consistently place your state within a panoply of other states just so people will know where you are, that’s another sign of weak ego. Truly, could you find Alabama on a blank map? I surely couldn’t. Who would bother to learn?

I can testify that if you are on the Eastern Seaboard and have reason to head to Alabama that driving directions consist of “take I-95 south to Georgia, turn left and when you feel stupid, stop. You are there.”

What do I know about Alabama? Um, Joe Namath played college ball there?

The state flag consists of a big ol’ X. I’m advised that these are strategically placed throughout the state to assure its citizens that indeed “you are here.” Why they want to be here, is anybody’s guess of course.

Alabama was one of those Confederate states who, given the above, still figured they could govern themselves better than the US of A could. This of course raises the image of a state in utter delusion. It’s a good place for the military to have a lot of bases, and so they do.

This gulf state is nicknamed the Yellowhammer state after its bird. I have no clue what a Yellowhammer looks like, other than this:

Which is apparently what you are driven to locate after spending a whole day looking skyward for a yellow bird.

Anyway, like most every state in our union, Alabama is named after native Peoples (the one’s whom we stole the whole bleepin’ country from, remember?). The pronunciation was a bit more like Albaamo, from the Choctaw language. The interfering Spaniards first came across the name, and you know that the Spanish are notoriously bad at pronunciation. So another bastardized name emerged.

Just add another A, and drop an O and otherwise scramble. There were minor flirtations with U’s and I’s but the locals were adamant at likin’ only A’s.

Definitions range from “here we rest,” to “clean up those weeds.” And most Alabamians seem to do the former, but not the latter. If you’ve been there, you know that.

All manner of nations and other states at one time or another laid claim to various parts of what is today the unremarkable state lines of Alabama. No one is willing to admit why they ever wanted any of it today. There is a story there for sure, but I’m not interested enough to pursue it. Be my guest.

It’s first state constitution provided for universal suffrage–for white men–and when asked, most white men in the state think it would be better off if that were still the case.

Of course, cotton was the crop of choice. When you put on those cotton socks, you walk on Alabama. Remember that.

Alabamians are a rigid and stubborn people. They refused to redistrict their state preferring to have the rural areas dominate the state legislature into the 1960’s. There may have been other motives in mind other than purely love of the plow.

Most people figure that Alabama is just mad because it didn’t get much of a coastline. Florida stole most of it because it always knew it would be a tourist mecca. What did a cotton plantation need with ocean views after all?

The state boasts its own “great natural disaster” in a five-mile-round impact crater called the Wetumpka Crater. It is not thought that many died from the violent impact. But that’s not been verified yet. Records are pretty thin for 80 million years ago. Plans have been discussed of turning the entire crater into a giant skateboard track, but scientists object. (Don’t they always take all the fun out of things?) Anyway, you can’t see much of it, but there is a nice sign you can read.

Weather wise, it’s hot in the summer, and cool in the winter, with “copious” precipitation. This is probably not a good sign. Tropical storms, hurricanes and more thunderstorms than anywhere else in the US are definitely not drawing cards. Ducks are reported to even get sick of all the rain, and sneak into Georgia.

The state has a significantly high number of folks killed by lightning, which suggests that Alabamians don’t know when to come in out of the rain. Most tend to stay close to the “you are here” signs for reassurance, and of course they are made of metal. A bill has been introduced to have them made of wood, which would provide some jobs every few years when they need repainting. A pilot project noted that after three years most signs would end up with “yo r her” which is gender confusing to say the least.

It has two complete idiots for senators. Not an opinion. That’s a fact.

Alabama is in a race with Mississippi to see who can have the lowest high school graduation numbers. Some credit must be given to Mississippi, which has four i’s in its name, signalling a very egotistical population, and also one that likes a good joke.

I can’t think of anything else you need to know. All in all, I can’t think of any good reason to stop in on the state, unless you just plain want to see what it feels like to feel a bit stupid for a bit. People do smile there a lot, I’ll give ’em that. But then, they really don’t know they live in Alabama.

What is Going On in Kansas? #2

Tags

Kansas, Literature, States on Parade

Ah Kansas, a state in confusion. Or a statement of confusion.

You know that right off. Remember how traumatized you were as a youth when asked to recite the states? Number 24 was Arkansas, named after the state’s native population the Quapaw Indians. Okay, so they forgot to put a W in the English rendition, but you learned that.

When you get to #34, you say Kansaw! And the teacher, LAUGHED, and then the class laughed, and you turned red and sputtered and hadn’t a clue. “CANS ASS,” the teacher prompted. You looked confused. But “R CAN SAW”?

And you have hated Kansas ever since, for making you look a fool.

The joke is on them, they are the idiots who  think they were transported from Arkansas and their native people are called the Kansa peoples. They just slapped a S on the end, and then forgot to pronounce it as a W! I tell you, no wonder the French hate English speakers!

Okay, think of what you know about Kansas: Precious little I bet. Here’s what I know:

• No creativity, almost entirely bordered with straight lines.
• Topeka: known only as the name of the famous case of Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, an ominous beginning to be sure
• Sunflowers
• Bloody Kansas or bleeding Kansas–a schizophrenic state on slavery from the beginning

Kay, that sums up what I know.

 People in Kansas have eyes that only function from side to side:  the reason:  no vertical challenge. It’s too damn flat! You can stand in the middle of Kansas and see to every border. For years Kansans had no idea what airplanes were. They heard a buzzing above their heads but had had no occasion to ever look up before.

It is claimed that it has been scientifically proven that Kansas is not “flat as a pancake”. They spent a lot of money to prove that, but I still think it’s appallingly flat.

Cities of note: NONE I mean really. NONE. Wichita  (WITCH e TAW) is the only one you can think of, and HERE they put a W sound without a W like Arkansaw, I mean Arkansas. No wonder these people are nutso.

Speaking of which, they have a certifiable nut as a Senator: Brownback, who is a fundie Catholic convert. (since retired I believe)

If you do a google images search on Kansas, you get an inordinate number of photos of tornadoes. This is meant to tell you something. Pay attention!

Historically, the land was owned by its inhabitants, also called Native Peoples, who had an odd but very workable system of not actually “owning” the land, if you get my drift. This was found unacceptable by Europeans. Spain claimed it, and France claimed it, before Mexico and Texas did. None of the above built a damn thing. The new US of A “bought” it from France, because as I was told Napoleon needed money, and it was too far to vacation in. Missouri claimed it as well, but that story is boring.

The Santa Fe trail goes through Kansas, and you can still see wagon ruts in places, which tells you just how boring and unused this state is. There is also a Chisholm trail as well, and I think that had to do with John Wayne, or the movie Shane.

There are towns called Abilene and Dodge City, but these are mostly ghost towns now that cowboy movies aren’t being made. Various movie stars such as Wild Bill Hickok, Bat Masterson, and Wyatt Earp hung out in both.

There are less than 3 million people living in Kansas, which is a wonder, given that it is so damned flat, and most of the fences are climbable. This leads to the supposition that Kansans are basically lazy. Hispanics populate a lot of the southwestern part of the state, but most are in line to get on a bus for elsewhere, anywhere that is.

There are 6,000 ghost towns, but you probably figured that out already.

There are probably a lot more cattle and sheep in Kansas than people, but I frankly didn’t check that out. A lot about Kansas you can just guess about, and be pretty sure you are right.

There are some roads there, but so little to look at that it doesn’t matter.

So in love with drawing lines are Kansans, that they made 105 counties. This works out to a county for every 2,700 odd citizens, which means that state workers take a lot of coffee breaks and get most of their personal errands done during working hours.

You can get married at 15, but not drink until 21. The state is split about where you can drink.  That probably explains itself. There are two time zones in the state, and again, that explains more than you realize. Did I explain that most Kansans are schizophrenic?

Kansas school boards are constantly denying evolution and trying to teach creationism and intelligent design. They keep getting reversed in court. They do not learn.

Kansans usually support the Kansas City Royals and the Kansas City Chiefs, both of which are found in Kansas City, Missouri. Kansans still don’t know this. Missourians do, but continue to hoodwink Kansans and collect taxes for stadium maintenance.

So what we can see is that Kansans are none too smart, lazy, and do not learn well. Testing proved that  7 out of 10 could not locate their state on a map of the US.

Take a wide berth around this state if possible. It is still unknown whether the “stupids” are carried by virus or only by more personal contact.

What IS Going On With Maine? #1

Tags

Humor, States on Parade

When I decided to write about the various states of the union, well Maine came to mind. Don’t ask me why. Seriously, don’t.

I decided before going to that fountain of facts, Wikipedia, to recall what I knew on my own about this state:

1. I can find it on a map. This is still not true of all the states, so it is significant. Maine looks kinda like an oven mitt don’t you think? I bet there is a real story behind how it got it’s shape. If I find it interesting, I’ll tell you about it.
2. I know one person who came from Maine. It was a childhood friend’s mother. She sorta talked funny like all Mainians do. If that is what they call themselves. And no, I don’t know why they talk funny, but they do.
3. It has a city called Portland, which is not the capital, and it is a port, which is also true of Portland Oregon, but they are on different oceans. Apparently Oregonians weren’t very creative and borrowed the name.
4. I don’t know but can surmise that Maine is cold in the winter. It’s “up” there. If I were in NY and talking about rent, I might metaphor that and say, “it’s too damn cold!”
5. When somebody says, “Remember the Maine!” they are usually not talking about the State, but rather some ship. I think somebody we didn’t like sunk it. But, I forgot, so I don’t remember the Maine well at all.

That exhausts everything I “know” about Maine. I kinda think the people there aren’t really friendly if you move there. They are said not to consider you as being a Mainer and Mainian, or Maniot, (Mainite?) until you’ve lived there about twenty-five years. So consider that if you are thinking of a move. They won’t be sharing secrets with you for a long time.

I thought to go to their official website, but worried that they would only tell me the good stuff. I mean it’s not that people naturally think of Maine when planning a new residence. I mean it’s cold there, in the winter at least, and I suspect that it’s muggy in the summer and very buggy. None of those things are endearing.

I think Martha Stewart has a place there, but I don’t know her personally. If you like Martha that’s a plus, if you don’t, it’s not.

Maine in part borders Quebec, and Maine is a French word. However, as I said, they don’t sound French.

I forgot that I also know that they have lobster there, lots of it, and they call it “Maine Lobster,” though I suspect the lobsters don’t feel like citizens.

Maine, belonged to the Algonquins before it was taken from them. They were not paid for it, like the lucky inhabitants of Manhattan, whose families today still live in the lap of luxury from the windfall they got when they sold off the island. Antiques Roadshow still estimates that those beads and such are worth millions to the average buyer.

In return for having their land stolen, they killed off a lot of the early settlements. They often asked new settlers if they didn’t know that it was “too damn cold,” to live there. Sometimes they just left them to die from the elements instead of wasting their arrows.

Maine was not a place anybody liked, and the proof if that is that it did not become a state for a long time–until 1820. It’s never gotten along well with the original thirteen and has suffered a complex ever since. Which is why they don’t recognize new “citizens” for years. Touchy people.

It is the only state that is only one syllable. This relates to it being “too damn cold”. People had to say it fast, or their mouths froze open.

It has the eastern most city in the country–non-creatively called Eastport. Maine has the northern terminus of the Appalachian trail, which stands to reason, there being no state north of it. A new International trail will extend to Labrador, which is not a dog, but a Canadian province.

As you might expect, it is the most sparsely populated state–the people being mean and the state being “too damn cold.” That is east of the Mississippi. Alaska screws up all these good statistics as you might expect. The whole dang state is pretty much covered with pine trees and some of the land is still unorganized and a political dead zone, though we hear that Christine O’Donnell offered to campaign there, before well, geography was explained to her.

Geologists call it’s coastline a “drowned coast” which can’t be good.

There is a town called Norway, Maine, which shows you how confused people are there. Perhaps their funny talking is some attempt to speak Norwegian. Maine has an actual fiord, which supports my hypothesis I think.

Tornadoes and hurricanes seldom visit, because it’s just “too damn cold.”

There are just about 1.3 million folks living in Maine, and that is decreasing, which is way understandable. Most everyone crowds around the southern parts and near the coast, because it’s “too damn cold.” The biggest loss of population are those from Hawaii and other Pacific Islanders. What they ever came for is anybody’s guess.

There are no interesting jobs there. Trust me. They are the number one exporter of toothpicks. Duh. Pine trees?

It mainly (gotcha!) votes Democratic, but it doesn’t matter much cuz there aren’t enough voters to bother.

All in all, I wouldn’t recommend it. Come on, when’s the last time you heard anybody say they were vacationing in Maine? It’s just Main with a pretentious E tacked on the end.

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