I’m Glad That’s Done!

Tags

groceries, life in the meadow, organization, SAD, shopping

Which all goes to establish why there isn’t much of a post today. We shop once a month. The Contrarian accompanies me, and makes it less miserable than it otherwise is. Trying to shop alone for a full month is just too much. With the two of us, it is manageable and standable.

The day’s reward is that I don’t cook on shopping day, and we bring home Chinese takeout. After the crap is all safely put away, we both collapse, and one of us quickly says, “I’m so glad that is done for another month!”

Actually, I’m rather disorganized again. It seems I am always behind these days. I need very much to update my blogroll here, and as haven’t so far. I guess there are about half a dozen or a bit more new blogs that I think you might enjoy taking a look at. When I get to it that is.

Things at Church are slowing down, as I’ve now finished my four weeks as facilitator of our adult bible study class. That means a bit more time I can devote to EFM class prep and reading. There always seems more to read.

Additionally, I have been contacted by yet another publisher about reviewing a book. This is more complicated and may involve a guest post by the author and some other promotional type things. Just as I set this up, I went to the mailbox last afternoon to find another book there. Again, from a publisher I’ve never heard of. So my book reviewing seems to be going along nicely, if still having no monetary value to me!

Yesterday, I can probably conclude that I did something you did not. I played herder to a stray calf that had come through the fence in pursuit of the grass (being always greener on the other side  as you well know). I called the Contrarian, who had taken the splitter to a friends and was splitting wood. He suggested I “herd” the dumb calf. And so I did, yelling and whooping it up until it crossed over and went over the hill.

At the time, I assumed it found mom and the rest of the herd and would be heard of no more. But such is not the truth. As I opened the door to let out the dogs, some hours later, said calf, (Henry I believe) as back at it, munching away. The dogs chased it off, and so far, we haven’t seen him back. We saw the rest of the herd as we returned from shopping. Hopefully he is regaling them with tales of the spooky lady and the slavering dogs who came within a hairs breath of ending his life.

In the fields and on the roads the land is awash with farmers and machinery, all doing as best they can to clear fields. Fields are soggy but stable for the most part. We are driving over ours now, to avoid the low spots and are muddy still. There is just no way to drain this water.

I seem to see eagles and hawks everywhere. They love this time of year when the fields are being cleared as the rodents are more obvious to them I assume. Deer find the time stressful, since much of there field cover is being mowed to the ground. I’ve so far met a couple on the road at night coming home from EFM or church related activities.

I’ve had no luck on the SAD issue. I am told that full spectrum bulbs aren’t the same and can’t be expected to work. To buy the lamps is “expensive” as these boxes are highly over priced. So I guess I’ll just sit in the sun when it is available!

All about is now that horrid brown of nothingness that is the later fall. The leaves seem to drop precipitously in just a few days, and well, its all bare now. My thoughts turn to yarn and sweaters and stuff like that. I so want to make a pair of socks, but am loath to think I can understand the instructions and these 4 needles.

I need to be back to my lists, so that I can at least have a stab at meeting all my commitments. Today is not a day where that is gonna happen. But then, at least we got that shopping done!

Treating My Head

Tags

depression, psychology, routines, SAD, self-help

It’s always been ironic to me that we place procreation as such a sacrosanct right. The offices of psychologists and psychiatrists tends to belay the fact that most of us are raised by people qualified for the task.

Still, since most of us manage to live out our lives without killing, torturing, or otherwise seriously violated others, I’ve never placed much truck in blaming my woes on the abysmal abilities of my parents.

I have spoken before that I suffer from mild depression, mostly SAD, which as you might expect, occurs mostly in the winter time. I at one point took anti-depressants for something less than a year, but found weaning myself off them more painful than the underlying disorder, so I self manage. Mostly this works pretty well, and I am not symptomatic for months at a time.

I guess it was symptomatic  that a few days ago I wrote a piece on “shoulds.” I obviously missed the signal that this should have alerted me that the cloud was returning. And as usual, new insights arise which I have not yet processed but you might find helpful or not. You may have suggestions or not.

Either way, I’m writing it out as my therapy.

I don’t think I’m unusual in having “rituals.” Rituals to start my day, rituals to end my day. Most people do. I tend to go a bit further and have “cleaning days” and so forth. Shopping is a morning thing, laundry is done on certain days. I don’t get apoplectic if I find it necessary to do laundry on an off day, but I like the schedule. I like to reward my “tasks” with rewards, such as a quiet cup of coffee, reading a book, meditating, cooking a favorite recipe, sitting down to read blogs and so forth. As I said, for the most part this works.

Until it doesn’t. This summer has been a bust here in Iowa. The garden hasn’t produced well due to too much rain and too cool temperatures. Thus a number of plans we had have fallen aside. The Contrarian has had a plethora of VA appointments which have resulted in success on one problem and the rest of the testing has brought relief since all were negative. Now I find myself contemplating the fall and winter and yet I don’t recall having much in the way of summer.

The ironic part, is that the very thing that gives me the impetus to do all the shoulds in my life, the schedule, now looms as the enemy. I see the days as endless sameness. It’s Tuesday, the toilets call. It’s Friday and the laundry beckons. I am engaged in an endless round of tasks that never resolve themselves but merely ebb and flow from “need to do” to “done for now.”

Life becomes an endless treadmill of sameness. I’m not sure how to break the cycle or if I should. The endless routine seems  in the end to build to a crescendo that spills over the top and threatens to flood my life. Yet, I’m afraid if I end the routine, my basic laziness will paralyze any effort at all. Church activities which are not so much within my control, meaning I can’t set the schedule, may be what keeps me reasonable on an even keel.

And I don’t mean it to sound dramatic. It is not. No one, other than the Contrarian would notice any difference. And frankly, he hadn’t noticed any change. I just know that I began to feel these moments of utter “who cares” that would flit through my mind. I could and am able to shake it off and continue, but they are coming by more often and that’s a warning to adjust things again.

It’s just that life seems a little grayer than it should be. The news is a downer, the Internet stories are a downer, the weather is a downer. Are you gloomy yet? Anyone who has depression understands, it seems that you must struggle to make yourself do the things that you used to do with either dispassionate ease or with delight. Everything gets harder. The luster dims on all that normally brings joy.

Mostly I guess I’m reaching out to ask what coping mechanisms work for you. I know a not insignificant number of our blogging community suffers from various depressive like states, and we humans are incredibly creative in finding ways that solve our problems. I guess I’m creating a virtual self-help clearing house here.

So I’d like to hear your tips for pushing away the blues. I guess that I’m discovering that with depression, you can’t just create a world that solves the problem. It’s a fluid illness and requires adaptation over time. The routine that worked yesterday is the demon that makes my world look monochromatic today. It’s a good thing to know, and I’m glad that I have realized that.

Now I need to look at new solutions to old problems. Perhaps we, in our struggles, manage to reach out and help each other. I like to think we do.