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What In Holy Mother Church is Going on in Missouri?

06 Saturday Oct 2012

Posted by in Humor, Satire, States on Parade

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Yes, it’s time to talk about a state. This one has been put off far too long, but in actuality, who would have supposed that anybody would NOMINATE a Todd Akin, all around woman protector and expert on lady parts? But I get ahead of myself.

Show ME! the state screams. I’m not sure if that is a sexual invitation or a lament that citizens there aren’t very analytical. Either way, it tends to make you talk slower to be understood when engaged with a Missourian.

My only experience with the state personally is clipping the northwest section on the way to Kansas. I must say, they must get kickbacks from the billboard sign people, since the state seems plastered with those hideous hiders of the natural fauna. But then again, there might be much to cover up; it’s impossible to say.

Missouri used to belong to the French, and that alone should make one suspicious. Everyone knows the French can’t be trusted except when it comes to wine, and I saw little evidence that the population of Missouri knows its Merlot from its Cabernet, let alone something highly volatile, such as a Beaujolais.

Missouri is one of those “middle” states, having little identity and was the starting point for those heading West. One can surmise that the present population are mostly descendents of those who were too pooped to go on West by the time they got there from the East. Or they were too cowardly to face any more riding in those miserable “prairie schooners.”

It borders eight states, which has got to be a record I guess. Nobody wanted, it seems to share much of a border with it. There are those who considered it a “southern” state, showing that these folks are a bit directionally deficient as well.

If you are looking for good weather, go elsewhere. The winters are cold, the summers hot and humid. Expect extremes. Tornadoes are common as well as thunderstorms. Paradise it ain’t. In fact, Adam originally took a quick fly by and told God that he would rather be on a wholly different continent rather than settle there. Which was really good since Joseph Smith wouldn’t have had such a major revelation, and Mormonism probably wouldn’t have been invented and we wouldn’t have Mitt Romney to kick around.

As with all the US, Missouri is named for the indigenous Native Americans who lived there first. They liked it well enough, but the height of their civilization had waned before the Europeans “discovered” it. The major city of St. Louis was founded by folks from New Orleans and soon thereafter, it was a major fur-trading center.

The residents compromised themselves into being a slave state, of which no one can be proud in 1821. The population was not very large frankly, mostly due to darn earthquakes that kept going off, and people took off for solid ground. Bits and pieces were added to the state by groups holding garage sales, pushing off their old used up land to the unsuspecting Missourians. Then the Mormons  got interested and started moving in, which really brought down the neighborhood, and that stated a war, and well, you can imagine. Iowa went to war with Missouri also over some “honey” land, but you got me how they kept the bees hemmed in.

Catholics started moving in, and you know they always cause trouble. They were not in favor of the slave thing, but Missouri didn’t go with the South in the Civil War, although it became so confusing that it was really hard to tell with both sides claiming that the silly Missourians were on their side.

Today, it’s a really white state, though not as white as some.

If there is anything to visit there, I sure haven’t heard of it.

It’s schizophrenic enough to name a very large city after another state, which probably reflects some kind of penis envy of Kansas, I guess. See Freud for further details on that.

There is plenty of bus service across the state, and it is tailor-made for sleeping, and waking up when you reach some place else. But I must say, it’s smack dab in the middle of a lot of fairly boring states, so you might want to stay up for about three days before taking a bus trip say out west so you can sleep at least until you reach Colorado.

It boasts one former President, Harry S. Truman, and you can’t get more boring that that.

Missouri is a leading producer of alcohol, which probably explains a lot. Mostly people drink to forget they are in such a state. Not only do they produce alcohol and tobacco, but they  don’t regulate it, and you can’t fire anybody or refuse to hire them because of their unhealthy use of either. Needless to say, they rejected prohibition, mostly because everybody was too drunk to remember what day the vote was to be held.

You cannot legally become a dry county, and parents can serve alcohol to their kids. Open container imbibing is perfectly acceptable too. I mean these people are drunkards. St. Louis holds the dubious distinction of being the “best place for smokers” in America. Ain’t that grand? Parents are again free to give their wee ones all the tobacco they wish.

It has a capital, but  frankly I forgot its name.

Homeschooling is allowed and not regulated one bit, so those drunkards think that they have ejukated their kids, and nobody seems to be able to tell the difference anyway.

It has several universities and colleges, all full of students who received rejection letters from the schools they wanted to attend. As you might expect, drinking is popular on all campuses.

All in all, the roads are decent. Use them and keep on moving to some place that is interesting. This ain’t it.

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What in the World is Going On in Maryland?

21 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by in Essays, Humor, Satire, States on Parade

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One look at the map and you know we are in big trouble here. I mean did they hire someone in the thralls of a high state of the palsy to draw the boundary lines? You note immediately that Pennsylvania and Delaware both drew strict straight lines, separating themselves from this madness.

Virgina and West Virginia for reasons best left unsaid at this point, were too lazy to demand some cleanliness of line, and allowed a river to dictate the state’s limitations. Babies!

So little self-respect has this silly looking state, that they carved out a section and gave it away to be the seat of the Federalies. The DC’ers as you note, did their best to have some straight lines, and straight thinking along three of their borders.

If you need further proof that this place is a little off in the head, take a look at this “state flag” and tell me, “what in the hell is that?”

Not only is it unintelligible, its butt ugly to boot.

One of its nicknames is the “Old line state.” I don’t even want to know what that means.

And then there is the manner of its naming. Maryland. One could just assume that these folks aren’t good spellers, and that in keeping with the frivolous boundary lines, it meant “Jolly times here land”, but frankly the truth is worse.

The state was founded by “Lord” Baltimore, a royal from the Irish House of Lords. The name was chosen to “honor” the name of Mary, Charles I, king of England’s wife. This of course may make some sense in those early days (1632), but the fact that it was not changed after the revolution, tells you just how lazy and/or suspicious these people really were and perhaps still are.

Calvert (the Lord’s real name) was a Catholic, so Catholics got all the high positions, but Charles the King of the realm, apparently as a joke, sent tons (tens of thousands)  of convicts to live there. So we know that today, many a person who is a long time resident of “mary”land is the spawn of nefarious types.

Actually the boundary with Pennsylvania was a long drawn out affair, the subject of wars, and ultimately decided as the “Mason-Dixon line“. Similar disputes arose with Delaware which was once part of Maryland, but wanted to get the heck out of such a silly state and finally did.

The whole Catholic thing didn’t last long. Puritans arrived and soon put a stop to all that nonsense. Puritans you remember came here for “religious tolerance” but mainly only their own. They were ferocious opponents of anyone who didn’t agree with their take on all things Christian, and well, you can imagine what they thought of Jews and  the poor Native Peoples.

Anyway the state moved merrily along up to the revolution, importing lots of indentured workers and slaves to do the dirty work, while the rich landowners sat on their verandas, sipping tea, and commenting on the plenitude of blue crabs that season.

For reasons no one knows, they joined the revolution. Fort McHenry, protecting Baltimore, during the War of 1812, served as the inspiration of The Star-Spangled Banner, that nearly impossible song for a normal person to sing on key.

Again for no discernible reason, Maryland freed most of its slaves and was on the right side of the Civil War, probably because Lincoln threatened to give back the District of Columbia if they didn’t and nobody had any use for all those buildings.

Still, loyalty was at a minimum, and nearly 25% of the state’s young men, joined the Confederate side. Lincoln suspended habeas corpus in the state and that really ticked off the Chief Judge, Roger Taney, who just happened to be a native of good old Maryland. Lincoln jailed the mayor of Baltimore and some others for their pro-southern  sympathies. We are told “these matters are still being legally debated.” No word whether the mayor is still locked up or not.

Rich people still abound in Maryland, making it the richest per capita state in the union with median income at nearly $70,000 a year.

They fish a lot there. And they move stuff around a lot by rail and ship. A ton of them go to DC to work every day.

It has the dubious distinction of having been the home of Spiro Agnew, but then we told you that there is a lot of criminality in the history of the state. That is most surely the Republicans; it has been a Democratic state since time immemorial and certainly none of them is a criminal. 

Animal wise, the do have the Chesapeake Bay Retriever, bred specially for water sports. That’s a good thing. A reptile that is prominent there is the terrapin which is a turtle. This, for some inexplicable reason was adopted as the mascot of the University of Maryland. Where most sports are about speed and agility, the school chooses to advertise that its sports teams are slow and clumsy. Go figure.

About the best that can be said is that a summer tour of the state boundary line would be a dizzying experience.  All in all, a state which still retains the name of a foreign queen and was populated overwhelmingly by dangerous criminals, is simply not to be trusted. Drive through it if you must, but keep your doors locked.  

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