platform | Existential Ennui

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Election 2012, GOP, Humor, Mitt Romney, platform, science, Todd Akin

Don’t name you kid Todd. It’s a bad name. Bad things happen to guys named Todd. They are born stupid for starters. They suffer from foot in mouth disease, and we hear it’s dang near incurable.

And they become TeaHatters and anger is their number one priority. They are angry about everything, but mostly they are angry that they aren’t winning the hearts and minds of normal people, which would be stupid when you think about it, but given they are stupid, they get angry at this.

Todd Akin is one angry man. He’s angry because he is stupid for starters. The “I’m Stupid” engraved on his butt in bright red pimples reminds him every morning when he showers, and every time he sits down.

He’s angry because a lot of people, mostly from his own dang party, want him to step down, step over, or more hopefully fall into a black hole. He figures they are just spendthrift RINOS. Like stellar intellects like Sharon Angle and Christine O’Donnell, he feels misunderstood. He reminds himself that he too is “not a witch.” So what is the deal?

I mean this man has worked nigh unto three whole weeks to become the candidate for the Senate representing the GOP. He’s not gonna lie down, go away, slip-slide into the weeds just because some GOP politicians tell him he’s ruining their chances of taking the Senate. He ain’t payin’ no attention to finger-waggin’ ole Sean Hannity, whose finger has been stuck up his ass all night long and is getting a fresh breath of air waving under his nose! No! I say no!

Run Toddy Akin, run! Or get run down by a bus, hurts the most. And dude, you couldn’t find a woman’s vagina if’n you had Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass. Now go wipe that big L off your forehead and kick a can down the street.

(the foregoing was the work of bad Sherry who knows exactly where her vagina is and thinks that Missourians must be crazier than Floridians and Texans put together–don’t pay her no mind, she’s a product of desert delirium.)

This just in–Diana Nyad has failed once again in her attempt to swim from Cuba to the US. She fell victim to the jellyfish again. Since she is not Cuban, I cannot see this woman’s fascination with trying to get to the US. Can’t she just fly?

The Piglets are busy in the pen drafting the GOP platform. That is the document that they will wave about, and then throw in the trash win or lose the election. It’s just for show. But in keeping with their usual backward and “only white straight war-mongering white people count” mentality, they have so far:

Decided to ignore civil unions where ever they might think they are, while not seeing them, because God wouldn’t approve so they conclude from their 7th grade religious primer, “God Wants YOU to Obey”.
Voted down any suggestion that a two-state solution is right for Israel, because of course we all know we gotta fight that grand final battle there, so peace is not an option.
Dancing with the distinct possibility of writing a “human life amendment” to the constitution which would outlaw abortion for any reason. The religious right is in orgastic spasms of happiness.
Auditing the Federal Reserve made the list bowing to the nuttery candidate Ron Paul. All nuts are welcome and we accommodate them all!
Wind tax credits were removed, which made Iowa sick but made Willard happy since he thinks tax credits impede “free markets” except when it comes to oil and gas and coal because they are “natural” you know, whereas wind is sneaky, invisible, and only real if you believe in science. Need I say more?

I hear two women have been offered membership in the erstwhile male bastion of testosterone (assuming that sort of thing is possible when your “sport” is golf), Augusta National. Why they want to join is beyond me. The jackets are shit-green ugly. But those Augusta boys were smart, I’ll give them that. They picked a white chick and a black chick, killin’ two birds with one stone. (if you are British you see the other play on words with birds, no?) How does Augusta do with Jews and Asians? Is there more excitement to come?

They say that Jesus walked on water in the Sea of Galilee. Somehow it seems kinda creepy to skinny dip in it.

The headlines keep saying that scientists were stunned when they found a cave-dwelling spider–in a cave. They said it was a new family of spider.

I can understand all this I guess. But our neighbors were not “stunned” when we moved in as a new family. And frankly, unless that spider can speak French and do the breast stroke in Olympic time, I’m not that impressed.

More than likely, I would have stepped on it, and saved the scientists all that “stun”. But then, I’m not a spider person.

Willard is just an idiot. He said this in New Hampshire:

Mitt Romney, returning to New Hampshire on Monday with his new running mate, lasted only about 30 seconds before stumbling right into the issue that has dogged his candidacy like no other. ‘Gosh, I feel like I’m almost a New Hampshire resident,’ … Romney said. ‘It would save me some tax dollars, I think.’ D’oh! Does Mr. Thirteen Percent really want to remind everybody how determined he is to keep his tax returns private?

The dude pays less than most of us and he’s STILL complaining. And he’s still hiding something he figures will be a deal breaker if we knew. We KNOW this Willard, and frankly, we are treating it the same as if we KNEW the real thing. So game, set, match old boy. . .back to dressage.