To Go Where No Woman Has Ever Gone Before!

Tags

Alex Karras, Caleb Hainie, Chicago Bears, Football, Green Bay Packers, Jay Cutler, NFL, NFL rules, Sports

Cue the music.

Okay, so perhaps it’s more like “to go where this woman has never gone before.” But you get my meaning.

Or maybe you don’t.

In case you were camping yesterday, or hiking up Mt. Hood, or having a spiritual break from all things electronic, you know that the Packers won their game against the hapless Chicago Bears.

And so, for the first time in my marriage, we are going to the Super Bowl! And I’m not at all sure that I know what to expect. Mostly I’m afeared!

It started with whoops and hollers yesterday, a version of the happy dance, repeated outbursts throughout the evening of “we’re going to the Super Bowl!” and grinning for no apparent reason.

We are now under “Super Bowl” rules. I have no clue what they are. I only know it entails being awakened in the middle of the night should the Contrarian remember some salient? factoid about the Packers or game that he wishes to impart to yours truly.

Apparently it also means virtual non-stop analysis of yesterday’s game, the opponent, and any bit of trivia that traverses one’s brain case. No, I don’t care that Matthews favorite shampoo is L’oreal for Men. Nor do I care  about Roethlisberger’s abysmal pass/catch ratio.  But it seems I am doomed to hear them.

So far, I’ve been advised that Super Bowl Sunday should include stuffed mushrooms and shrimp cocktail. That’s assuming I get to a grocery store next week. I’ve been advised that I may not be negative in any way.

Ya see why I’m scared? This is borderline crazy world. I think the military has been advised to simply fence in Green Bay and declare it a mental hospital. Perhaps the entire state of Wisconsin, of which our friend OKJimm is a resident, has been declared in quarantine. I wouldn’t be surprised. They drink a lot up there I think.

Anyway, I’m secretly packing a bag and having it at the ready should I have to escape. You’ll see me pulling my sled across the frozen wasteland of the farm, heading toward Troy, where I hope to hitch a ride on a tractor heading for parts unknown. Just wave if you see me.

***

Meanwhile, I sure would like to see the sports headlines in Chicago today. Everyone is abuzz as to whether Quarterback Jay Cutler took a dive in the second half. He complained of a bad leg, suffered in a play he could not recall, and was not present during the last half. His backup, Caleb Hainie,  noted mostly for interceptions, lived up to his notedness.

The name alone is enough. Alex Karras, Detroit Lion of old and pretty good actor was wont to say a similar thing years ago about one of the long list of incompetent Lion quarterbacks: “What would you expect of a ‘quarterback’ named Milton Plum?”

***

I got a bone to pick with the NFL on rules. There is this idiotic one about pass receiving. It basically states something to the effect that the receiver must demonstrate control of the ball before it is considered a reception. Okay, you say, so what?

Well, said rule has been interpreted in such stupid fashion that a goodly number of legitimate passes this past season were ruled incomplete. This happens when the receiver catches the ball,and is either tackled immediately or is stretched out to catch the ball, making his fall to the ground a certainty.

Now it appears the idiotic refs have no understanding of gravity or basic physics. Ya see, when a ball is held securely, but fallen upon, the shape of the object “being semi-round” and the fact that it is air-filled, and is less weighty than the object falling upon it, causes it to skid a bit against the body. Even though the hands never lose contact with it. Refs have been calling this “movement” a demonstration of lack of control, thus the passes are ruled incomplete. Balderdash!

The Contrarian calls the rule one with “unintended consequences”. I call it a monumental idiocy.

***

I’m also fairly tired of the issue of “fumbling” which no longer means, “oops, I dropped it.” More often than not, a wonderful reception or long brilliant run is ruined by one or more lugs, weighing a ton more than the ball holder, who with massive maws covered with hard gloves, punch mercilessly at the ball, and “strip” it from the legitimate holder.

This is called sport. I call it, another failure to recognition  the laws of the universe. Big objects, often multiple in nature, thrust upon a weaker body, tend to dislodge the chit they are carrying. It is through no fault of their own. It ruins the fun of the game.

This “talent” which I call thuggery mugging is now taught in camp and training. It should be outlawed. Tackle the person, you bullies!

***

The Contrarian finds my objections trite. He’s says it’s the “lawyer in me”. But it’s not. I just like fun, not brute strength. If I want to see that I can go watch that awful boxing/beating/kicking/wrestling pretence on whatever channel it spews on.

***

There, I’m ready for the next two weeks!

ENGAGE!

Related Articles

• Super Bowl XLV: Packers vs. Steelers (sportingnews.com)
• Packers Beat Bears 21-14 to Advance to SuperBowl 45 (blippitt.com)

Held Hostage By the NFL

Tags

agnosticism, Bill O'Reilly, Christians, Contitution, faith, farm workers, gravity, Health care, Humor, immigrants, John Boehner, Latinos, Literature, Mark Twain, Muslims, NFL, physics, Politics, religious doubt, Sports, Steve King, teabaggers, terrorism

Shhh. Be very quiet. This is a house of where now we whisper. “It’s the Playoffs!” Shhhh. Turn around three times, and blink twice. Rub the rabbit’s foot and wiggle your toes. Avoid the black cat.

Negativity be banned. The Packers are poised. They are coming to a TV near you soon. They will prevail. They will overcome.

Okay. Get my drift. My house is in a tizzy all because a bunch of overpaid prima donnas are about to take to the fields of America and cheat, beat each other to a win, all entitling them to advance to the next round.

Everything under heaven and on earth stopped this morning as the Contrarian frantically searched the TV guide looking for THE teams’ game day and time. “I can’t find the early game!” he moaned, nearly swooning with fear.

“Try the Internet,” I mumbled, making the bed.

“Oh God, that will take forever!” he intoned.

“Try NFL Playoffs,” I suggested helpfully.

“I know what to put in!” he huffed.

Ten minutes later, he was pouting, “It’s taking so long!”

“Welcome to my world,” I chuckled.

Suffice it to say that the early game was the late game, and the late game was an even later game, and I get to watch football tonight and then, joy of all joys, do it all over again tomorrow. Whew. I’m sharpening my knitting needles for all the fun!

Now I admit, I can watch football with the best of them, but gee wiz, this is a bit obsessive dontcha think?

Oh, and if there is any question in your mind, the Packers are gonna win the whole thing. You can bet on that literally. Now personally, I have my reservations, but God, I sure ain’t gonna utter them around this house. I’m lucky I got the old goat   Contrarian to go out and bring in some wood to keep my tootsies warm today!

***

Bringing another voice to the Huckleberry Finn controversy, I give you one Roger Ebert. His take is I think worth your while. The more I read of Mr. Ebert, the more I respect this man.

***

Political Irony has your late night political humor here.

***

Don’t know if you heard or not, but Steve King (R-IA) put foot in mouth again. Chastising a Democrat on the floor of the House, for criticizing Speaker Boehner, King regaled that Boehner was full of mendacity, not knowing what the word meant. Boehner indeed is a liar when he claims that the Affordable Heath Care Act is a job killer and costs too much.

Actually it’s working pretty darn good. And that is according to no less than Forbes Magazine. There has been a major uptick in small business buying health insurance for their employees, many for the first time ever, made affordable by the tax credits within the Act.

No doubt Boehner will call that an “opinion” just as he did the CBO estimates that repeal of the act would cause deficits in the area of 230 billion within ten years.

***

Since it doesn’t fuel the narrative offered by Faux News and the GOP, you might have missed this story. Egypt, rift with Al Qaeda like attacks on Coptic Christians, and not confident that their government could protect the latter, saw fit to unite to protect Christians worshiping on Christmas. Yes,  that’s right, Muslims  protecting Christians.

It is essential that we report, and spread the word, that Americans who have an agenda that includes vilifying Muslims must be met with facts. Muslims are not to be another “excuse” to blame some “other” for our own failings.

***

I’ve tried in the past to interact with atheists, but the NeoAtheists are a different breed, younger, and arrogant, and unwilling to discuss issues on any other plane but from a fundamentalist outlook. I know not where to find agnostics, who by their very nature aren’t usually of such a serious bent as to blog on their questions.

James McGrath, does an admirable job of addressing such concerns, with lots of links to atheists, believers and those in-between. I found the discussion heartening and informative.

***

Border Explorer has a very important post on migrant workers in this country. It’s a must read. We owe a great debt to our Latino brothers and sisters for all the work they do. Please read.

***

Inexplicably, Billo the Clown (Bill O’Reilly) seems to believe that the fact that the sun rises and sets and that the tides go in and out, is evidence that God exists. Inexplicable because although I believe that O’Reilly is a horses butt and rather uniformed by choice, I didn’t think he was flat-out stupid. Both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have had occasion to query how Billo seems to not understand the concept of GRAVITY?  I mean junior high kids could explain that one to Billo. (H/T to James McGrath.

***

We mentioned the other day that the GOPers in reading the Constitution in the opening session of the House, omitted the 3/5ths clause, because it had been “amended” out. In reality it doesn’t fit with their narrative that the Founding Fathers were perfect and only instituted a limited government. Forgetting of course that the Articles of Confederation were a “limited federal government” and scrapped as unworkable. Of course the 3/5ths clause suggested that our FF were flawed humans as we all are. An excellent article to that effect is by Paul Harvey, teacher of history at University of Colorado. (H/T to James McGrath)

***

What’s on the stove: hotdogs, hash browns and coleslaw.

Draw Play Anyone?

Tags

Cardinals, Football, Kurt Warner, NFL

WR Larry Fitzgerald

There is only one game left in the NFL season. Most everyone knows that. Men know it and lament, knowing they will have to turn their attentions to the less interesting sports of basketball and hockey. Next on the agenda for real, is the NCAA basketball tournament. Watching the 64 be whittled down to 2 is always exciting and provides as many thrills or more as any Super Bowl.

Most women are also aware of this time, but often for a different reason. As keepers of the kitchen, they are often called upon to prepare all those finger foods that are a necessary part of the Super Bowl experience. Most, but not all. Some of us women are fine and dedicated watchers of the sport and have been for years. In my case, that would be since the age of ten.

Now I have to confess, that I am a strange duck in one sense. I cut my football teeth at home in Michigan, against the hapless Detroit Lions. You know the ones I mean, the team that set a new record–0 and 16 for the season? Yes that’s them. Haven’t won a championship since 1957, three years before I became aware of the sport.

Now hear the context. Add one very pessimistic father to the mix, and you can imagine each Sunday. The Lions might score, but chances were, in the end they would end up on the right side of the equation of winning/losing. So, even with a lead, my father was announcing that this suck off team would screw it up and lose. More often than not, he was right.

By the time I go to college, or perhaps a bit before, they instituted the “blackout.” For those of you who are unaware, the blackout means that if the stadium is not sold out by game time, the game is blacked out locally. Fine way to promote a team huh? Needless to say, we missed a lot of games.

I finally adopted another team as “my team.” I chose the Houston Oilers, now the Tennessee Titans I believe. I soon developed an intense hatred of the Pittsburgh Steelers who seemed, along with the Cowboys, to be the nemesis of Earl Campbell and the Oilers. Each year, they came <-> this close to winning, but one or the other of these teams destroyed my dreams each time.

Living in Lion territory, one of course developed a number of flirtatious liaisons over the years. I briefly followed the NY Jets, the Oakland Raiders, and finally the Denver Broncos. Some disappointed me, others did not. One makes allowances, living in Michigan.

Marrying the Contrarian upset my apple cart in a pervasive way. Now, as a Lions fan all those long years, our hated enemies were three, the Chicago Bears, the Minnesota Vikings, and yech of all time, the Green Bay Packers, this last being the worst, because they were national champs more than once. Detroit usually lost to them all, but here and there, we stole a game which was a great rooster strutting event.

I was now expected to BE a Packer fan for God’s sake! In Iowa, there being no professional football team, one chooses among three. Yep, you guessed it, the three mentioned above. And so, reluctantly, and in the name of marital bliss, I opted to become the dreaded fan of Bret Favre and company.

Flash forward to January 2009. I have not followed football that much. The Packers seems odd without Favre, and didn’t do very well. I followed the Jets a bit, but never really got excited. But I did sit down to watch the playoffs a couple of weeks ago. And low and behold, an angel descended and a miracle was wrought.

Yes, a team, nearly as hapless as the Lions is now poised to be the Cinderella team of the NFL. Never given a chance from the first playoff onward, they have managed to shock and awe all comers and come out on top. It’s a story made for TV, at least insofar as their quarterback is concerned.

Kurt Warner has had a strange and well, strange career. Working in a grocery store, getting a chance to play that awful arena football, picked up by the Rams, winning a Super Bowl, losing a Super Bowl, being cut, being picked up by the Jets, being awful, being picked up by the Cardinals, and becoming a star again. All with a wife who anybody could mistake for a barmaid with troweled on makeup and super blow up hair. Now that’s a Hollywood dream script eh? I understand she has toned things down a bit since I last saw her when Kurt was with the Rams. Did I mention that Kurt is from Cedar Rapids?

And wonder of all wonders they are going to play a team I have despised since Terry Bradshaw had hair and was leading that bunch of coal hacking footballers.

So, the stage is set. I have a dog in the race as they say. I’m rooting for the Cardinals all the way, mostly because I think it would make such a great movie. Sorta like the “Miracle on Ice” when the US hockey team won in the Olympics against all odds.

We as Americans just love this stuff. This underdog stuff. We love it to death. And one can only hope we get our wish. The sportscasters are having a ball, it’s not going to be your average mom’s Super Bowl in hype at least. It may turn out to be a dud, but the pregame yack will be huge. Not quite as huge as the Inaugural but almost.

I just have to work on my tendency to become pessimistic every time things start to go slightly right for the other team. The Contrarian is displeased with my, “Oh, this is turning around, they will never win now.” He claims its more amusing to listen to me whine when the Packers aren’t playing. He gets decidedly irritated at my negativity when they are. But of course he doesn’t believe that my thoughts and pessimism are transported on brainwaves and cause the team to slump further. No, he doesn’t believe in negative karma, but it pisses him off anyway.

And, it’s a pleasant time I admit. You see the Contrarian suffers from “situational Tourrettes.” Yes, you may have heard of the disease. The Contrarian suffers from a rare form that only attacks when he is watching the Packers. You have never in your life heard such *#%*!@)@)#)#)#)*&%_$*&$^$* language in your life! And he claims he can’t control it. I believe him, certainly I do. While he now favors the Cardinals over the Steelers, he is not likely to have emotions running high enough to cause the Tourettes to kick in. It’s a terrible and fearsome thing to witness I tell you, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

For a small donation, I’d be happy to handicap the game for you. I know that you have realized that I am a football genius. Yes I am, in my own mind at least, and heck it’s the only mind I worry about these days. It’s time to start planning that Super Bowl buffet! Taco dip anyone?