The Stupid Chronicles for April 20, 2013

Tags

2nd Amendment, Arkansas, crap I learned, gay rights, green energy, Humor, immigration, Iowa, Louis Gohmert, Maine, racism, Stupid Chronicles, Texas

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just acting like a Hispanic. Yes dear Louis the Lunatic tops our list today. But it was a close call I tell ya. Louis never fails to deliver the one two punch of stupid all wrapped up in crazy nearly every week. We sometimes wonder if Louis has a bank of writers who dream up his lines, but on reflection that would surely tip the balance and throw civilization into a retrograde orbit.

Louis dear Louis has a gem for us today. Let me put it thusly. Louis viewed Rodin’s the Thinker, and opined, “why is that dude taking a shit in public?”

Louis doesn’t have a pet rock, he’s the pet rock’s pet.

Louis knows his terrorists and he is here to tell you what he has learned. Islamic terrorist organizations are busy helping their Arab folks “act Hispanic” so they can cross the border from Mexico into America. (added joy: there is a video!)

Yes you heard it here.

Although Louis had no opinion of who caused the Boston Marathon bombings at the time he said this, he was pretty darn sure that a fence is the way to go. After all, Israel’s suicide bombings stopped when they built their fence, he offered, unaware that that is not at all true. A good guess is always good enough for Louis.

Compatriot idiot Steve King (R-IA) nodded in agreement and said that the immigration reform bill should be held up, because surely this bombing was caused (he thinks) by some student on a visa.

Louis offered no ideas about how one “acts” Hispanic. Several racist theories comes to mind, but Louis stopped short of asking people to be on the watch for the “typical” Hispanic behaviors. He did whisper that a dead giveaway that you were dealing with a “pretend” Hispanic was to offer him a jalapeño pepper and see if he cries out in anguish and calls for water after taking a bite.

Texas takes our number two spot as well, which isn’t a big surprise–it’s a big state with big idiots in it.

This is Ms. Ester Irene Stokes. She’s a school teacher in Texas. Or was, or confound it, she probably got herself a medal now.

Anyway, she was accused of fondling one of her female students. Now Ms. Stokes is 61 and the child in question was seven. So that is very bad stuff.

So Ms. Stokes tells police and anyone else who will listen that she is not guilty.

You probably assumed that didn’t ya?

Yes, well she has a rather unique defense.

She says that she is such a racist that she can barely stand to touch those little black girls in her class. The mere touch of their hands gives her the heebie jeebies and sends her off to wash off that black skin feel. I mean she actually cringes when the little nappy heads try to hug here, which must happen once every ice age at least.

There have been no responses by the school in question as to whether Ms. Stokes was still employed. What ya wanna make a bet she won’t have any trouble finding another job in some parts of the country at least.

No doubt that face will be forever seared in your brain.

Third on our hit parade for the week is Maine’s governor Paul LaPage.

Now Paulie has come to our attention before as you can note from some of his best work at the right.

But he kinda ran out of material for a little while. After the last couple of days though, I think he’s back in fighting form.

The Bangor News seems to have a particularly low opinion in the Guv, suggesting that he “makes things up” a lot.

Well, Paul is at it again. Paul doesn’t like wind power. He thinks it’s somehow un-American, being all cheap and non-polluting and such. Oil and Gas don’t like air power and that’s enough for big Paul.

So Paul said, “Now, to add insult to injury, The University of Maine, Presque Isle – anybody here been up there to see that damn windmill in the back yard? Guess what, if it’s not blowing wind outside and they have somebody visiting the campus, they have a little electric motor that turns the blades. I’m serious. They have an electric motor so that they can show people wind power works. Unbelievable. And that’s the government that you have here in the state of Maine.”

Of course, no such thing is true. The University says there is no “little motor”.

All this would be funny, and it is, but the answer to Paulie’s nonsense is that he’s touched in the head. Read crazy as a loon. Read, coming up on Louis’s shoulder and threatening to pass.

Paulie intends to run for re-election. He predicts that the teacher’s unions better watch out, cuz he’s coming for them. And his new idol? Well that ever-favorite of Wisconsin, Scott Walker.

“I will guarantee you that you will see the most vicious education campaign ads that you’ve ever seen in your life next year, because I am going to be the next Scott Walker in this country, because I am challenging the status quo.”

No, Paulie is challenging the all-time low IQ in the USA. I am putting my bets he will win.

Fourth is a new face for us, GOP House Representative from Iowa, Dennis Guth.

Guth is one of those self-styled experts on the issue of homosexuality.

Guth first focused on the media and accused them of making that homosexual lifestyle seem good and nice, when we all know it’s really yucky.

See, Guth says, homosexuals are like “second-hand” smoke, they cause harm to those around them who are normal. They cause health risks to his family he says, by their increased invitation to transmittable sexual diseases. He opines that there are “more medical tests required” before you can give blood or birth. He thinks they are connected but forgot to say how.

Other than that, Guth was unable to explain why their diseases would “harm” his family, unless of course one posits that either he or members of his family regularly engage the services of willing homosexuals for ummm, sex.

Guth is an idiot, and his Democratic colleague told him so.

Our fifth and last entry for the week comes from good old Arkansas, a state that often shows us the butt end of humanity.

Nate Bell, is (you guessed it) a REPUBLICAN state rep from good old Ar-KANSAS, who is a protector of the 2nd Amendment, which he neither understands, nor defends with anything other than yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay blather.

Well, inside that fun face is a very human and very empathetic individual. So as soon as he heard about the manhunt going on in Boston and its environs, wondered via Twitter:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high-capacity magazine?

I mean how sympathetic can a guy be?

I mean really?

Nate withdrew the Tweet once it was pointed out to him that he was being a total douche. Of course it was up long enough for a long list of people to tell him that.

Good luck Nate on re-election.

And if you have not run into these videos (YouTube has several by the same guy), then sit back and for a couple of minutes, just chortle your little heart out. Dry up your tears at the above and replace with belly laughs.

Related articles

• LePage Spins Windmill Conspiracy Theory (thetippingpoint.bangordailynews.com)
• Outrage as Rep. Gohmert says radical islamists being trained to act Hispanic (nbclatino.com)

 

I Admit It, I’m Furrocentrist

Tags

Florida, Herman Cain, Humor, Maine, Osama Bin Ladin, Paul LaPage, Rick Scott, unions, voting rights

Yep, mea culpa. I confess, admit, and shamefully declare it. I have known it for some time, but it slammed me directly in the face last night.

We were watching a documentary called “Oceans” and enjoying all the beauty. I watched as green turtles swam through aqua-gorgeous waters off sandy beaches and dolphins racing all the waves in numbers that took one’s breath away.

I watched whales circle, bubble, and then raise large open maws to capture untold thousands of krill in one orgasmic feast. I saw birds diving for sardines and along shores picking off baby turtles racing for the safety of the ocean.

And then I saw orcas chasing baby seals to the shore and tossing them up in the air in fierce attacks. I heard the cries of disoriented and doomed little balls of frolicky fun, and I turned away.

“Tell me when it’s over,” I moaned.

And I realized that I could watch all manner of fish eat fish, or animals eat fish, or birds eat fish. I could watch anything gobble up reptiles, all manner of scaly things. I could watch chimps munch bugs of any description and never flinch. I never blinked as a bird slithered a worm down its gullet.

But, a furry thing be grabbed? A gazelle by a lion? A rabbit by a wolf? Oh no, no no no. My heart nearly breaks with the inhumanity of it all.

I am in a word, furrocentric.

I guess it’s wrong to be one. But in truth, I don’t intend to be treated for this malady. I will live with it. Thank you.

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You all remember good old Governor LaPage doncha? The one from Maine? The one who took out a mural in the state’s Department of Labor building depicting Maine workers? Imagine, a mural about workers in a LABOR building? It was because businessmen complained he claimed. Well, but of course, who shines their shoes? Mr. GOPer LaPage of to be sure.

LaPage is most noted for his brash, offend everyone (except business and the teabaggers). He has, while in office managed to be against all the things the right wingers are against, and for all the things they are for, meaning nobody likes him except big business and people who have no clue about much past what day of the week it is, and whether you want catsup with those fries.

Most recently the lovely LaPage has signaled his intentions to sign into law a GOP-passed bill that will end Maine’s same-day voter registration law. Yeah, and the reason for this is his firm belief that “Democrats steal elections,” so it’s fair to make it harder for people to vote. And of course, there is not one documented case cited for voter fraud. Never is. It’s all about a stinkin’ minority trying desperately to win elections against the will of the people, so they can continue to screw those same people.

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Political Irony has your late-night humor for the week. After you get through the interminable Weiner jokes, there are some others that are pretty darn good. Take a look.

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As you may have guessed, I’m thoroughly opposed to old step-‘n-fetch-it Herman Cain. I doesn’t surprise me that he was offered the opportunity as a youth to transfer to an all-white school to begin the integration process. He was offered the opportunity, and he wants his white audiences today to know he turned it down. My favorite blog and hopefully yours, We are respectable negroes has their take, or should I say the very very erudite Chauncey de Vega, has his.

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Can you hear me now? Or better still, “I just love the smell of falling Governors in the morning.” I think Walker in Wisconsin and Scott in Florida are racing to see who can be the most hated Governor. It’s unsure who might win, but I sure encourage them both to keep on doing what they are doing. Recall has a fine sound to my ears.

Scott, who just can’t stop trying to be a good GOPer, is pushing a “union dues deduction bill” through that would detour union dues to state agencies to avoid their use in “political” affairs. Yes, and the police in Florida are fuming and calling for a “leaving the party” event. Attacks on public employees is being met head on as it is in Wisconsin and elsewhere. People are indeed waking up.

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Just when you were positively sure that the planet could not support one single more STOOOOOPID person, well, another one comes along. His name is Bill Warren, and he plans on diving somewhere off the coast of India and swimming around to find the remains of Osama Bin Ladin. Ain’t that just ducky? Perhaps Mr. Warren will run into a nice big fat shark who will invite him to dinner and to see the bin Ladin remains up close and real personal–like inside his tummy. Talk about get a life!

Oh, and he said this, he really did. He’s going to look for the body “to see if it’s really dead.” If you find him alive down there, be sure to let us know. THAT would be news.

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What’s on the stove? Ribs, roasted parmesan potatoes and coleslaw.

Thinking is Against the Law

Tags

Catholics, foreign affairs, GOP, labor, labor unions, LGBTQ rights, Libya, Maine, Obama, Wisconsin

I was one of those who believed that the imposition of a no-fly zone over Libya was needed. I was and am all too aware of the dangers involved.

As predicted, those of the Right are not satisfied regardless. No matter what President Obama chose to do, it would be wrong and they would shout it out to their base.

Obama said American involvement in any leadership vein, would be short, a matter of days rather than weeks.

It seems he was truthful. Rebels have been able to retake the town of Ajdabiya. Given air support and the taking out of large artillery, they can fight Qaddafi forces and prevail. What is of even more significance is that Qatar and the UAE are both flying jets in the no-fly zone.

It may come to be that once again we have underestimated Barack Obama. I can but imagine that the naysayers those who are GOP presidential hopefuls and others are chewing their hats about now. They pray for failure to enhance their power. That’s the GOP way.

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You may have missed this: Maine’s ReCorpricans are at it. The Guv, has declared that murals which depict Maine’s labor history will be taken down from the State Department of Labor. Additionally, conference rooms long named for labor leaders like Caesar Chavez are being changed, to reflect “pro business” goals. [h/t to Infidel753]

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If you listen to Foxy Noise, or any of the typically wingnut GOP leadership, the power and prestige of the US is at an all time low, due to the “bungling foreign policy” of one Barack H. Obama. Oddly enough, that doesn’t seem to be the way the WORLD thinks of us. A Gallup poll suggests that we have rebounded quite nicely from the abysmal low Chimpy left us in to a respectable level once again. Read it and weep teabuggers. [h/t to Infidel753]

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Guv Walker in Wisconsin has decided to defy a restraining order issued by a Madison judge, and has published the union killing bill anyway, giving rise to the question of whether it goes lawfully into effect or not. Under the Lobsterscope has the story with plenty of links.

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Official Vatican teaching is one thing. American Catholics are quite another. Recent polling by PPPI shows what has been consistent in other polls (Pew for instance) for some time. Namely that Catholics in the US support LGBTQ rights including marriage at a higher rate than any Christian group.

The Progressive Catholic Voice reports that Catholics retain an “underlying social justice” position that prevails over the official teaching of the Church. I of course, applaud this fact. Basically most Catholics I think agree that Magisterial teaching is basic to formation of conscious, but as the writer states here, is not absolutely controlling. Primacy of conscience, long upheld by the Church itself, causes Catholics to weigh the circumstances alongside of doctrine and decide moral issues in light of many factors.

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What’s on the stove? scallops with linguine in a lemon butter sauce, with foccacia and salad.

Related Articles

• Libyan rebels regain besieged city of Ajdabiya (independent.co.uk)
• News From Obama’s Iraq (slog.thestranger.com)
• NOM Denounces Catholic Marriage Poll (joemygod.blogspot.com)
• Surprising Results in Evangelical Poll (whitehouse2012.wordpress.com)

Reflecting, My Way

Tags

Christianity, gay rights, God, GOP, health care reform, Hoffman, Maine, Michelle Bachmann, New York, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, same-sex marriage, Sarah Palin, teabaggers

Newt

I’m tempted to just giggle sometimes, when I watch and listen, read and imbibe the various machinations of the Rethugs and their attempts to paint the town Red.

We’ve expressed on many occasions the fact that they are killing their own with abandon, unable to resist the temptation to force everyone on the GOP side to march to the same crazy piper.

Michelle Bachmann is out ramping up the teabaggers to storm Congress and scare them into abandoning health care reform. She chose today, unmindful as only Michelle (no fact ever stuck in my brain) could be that Guy Fawkes day is today, and perhaps another day might have been more judicious?

And then there is our very on wingnut, Steven King from Iowa who when asked how many uninsured there were in his district, ignored the question twice as it doesn’t really matter, since he “represents freedom loving Americans.” Apparently he doesn’t bother to represent those who are dying and bleeding from lack of health care.

Most hysterical of all is Rush (da man) Limbaugh, who blames the Hoffman loss in upstate NY to none other than Newt (I can be drafted) Gingrich. Newt was insufficiently supportive of Hoffman’s candidacy you see. No matter than when Hoffman opened his mouth, nothing much came out except a vague sentence or two of obvious platitudes.

Sarah, (the quitter) Palin, being the rather limited intellect that she is, of course, said that things were right on track for 2010! Yeah, right Sarah, that was the plan all along right?

Course we have already learned about the importance of these elections. Depending of course on whom you might conversate with. Rethugs tell you that Obama is doomed and Limpaugh actually claims that he will lose in 2012 regardless of the GOP candidate. Done deal. Of course the exit polling suggests that most races were local in nature and most voters claim that Obama had nothing to do with their vote. It remains unclear just what we can surmise from any of them, or all of them collectively.

It was disheartening to say the least, that Maine’s population decided that it could not abide same sex marriage. No wonder given the horrific lying commercials I saw them running. Worse, most of this anti-gay thing is of course perpetrated by the extreme rightwing evangelical nuttery. Sad to see that they as usual, don’t find anything sinful in lying.

Britannica Blog makes a very good argument that where issues of minority rights are concerned, the electorate should never have the final say. That would seem obvious wouldn’t it? It seems to me that the solution is for a gay couple to apply for a marriage license, be denied, and sue. The issue will then end up before the state supreme court. Generally speaking, courts have found no legal basis for the denial. So this may end the same way that Iowa ended. Course, there is plenty of planning to try to get the subject on the ballot in Iowa, but it will take some years to do so by constitutional means. And the people at large are moving steadily and slowly toward gay rights with every day. Next generation folks suspect this will be a non-issue by the time they are adults.

You might want to keep a watch out for a new documentary about God coming soon. Peter Rodgers travels the world and asks everyone he meets: “What is God?” No doubt the answers say as much about us as they do about our faith. Stop by and read the full article at Religious Dispatches.

 

And don’t miss Ezra Klein’s nice piece on the fiasco that is the Rethug Health (?) care bill. It covers a whopping 3 more million people, and is not nearly as cost effective as the Democratic bill. Nice try, dead heads.

 

Well, enough of all that. The sun is shining, another book showed up in my mailbox (that’s two this week), I’ve been reading about Abraham all day on and off, and it’s popcorn night in the meadow. Life is good. More fun and frivolity tomorrow.