The Best Little Whorehouse in Boulder? Or How I Loved to Learn Republicanese Gangsta Style

Tags

Election 2016, GOP debate

Didya watch it? I know, only the truly masochistic would. I did. Well, to put it honestly, I listened, preferring to stare at the slow slinking demise of the New York Mets for some reason, while I listened to the chatter of the squirrels in Boulder.

Now I have to admit. it was full of all the boring nonsense one would expect but it had its moments. I rather thought that notes were being passed among the contestants: Please guys, don’t beat up on each other. It’s Hillary who is the enemy!” Most forgot, usually because it was so much easier to attack the silliness that passed for policy among the “I just wanna be President” crowd.

My thoughts?

You care?

Well, if you insist.

Let’s start with the undercard, where the refuse from the wars have gathered to lick their respective wounds of NOBODY CARING and pontificate as if at a child’s tea party, of what “might have been.”

For the life of me, I can’t remember half of the four that graced the screen, dressed up in their Sunday best, with every cowlick plastered down. I do remember Bobby (not my real name) Jindal, and his protestations that one need look no further than Louisiana to see the fine results of Republican economic policy. I was forced to agree with Bob that, yeah, I had not seen an uptick in suicide rates in Louisiana, so he must be right. All was well in Louisiana.

A tiny thing called facts, tend to dull Jindal’s luster however, as Louisiana is floundering economically and is especially in trouble when it comes to health care and education. But no matter, Jindal assures us that it’s really all just smoke and mirrors and all is really really okay.

But the real star was Ms. Lindsey, who wants to be president like more than getting a new puppy even. He told us so repeatedly all night. “Please make me your president!” he shouted at every opportunity.

You see, Ms. Lindsey is very upset. Ms. Lindsey was a JAG officer way back when, and spent a bit of time in Germany, defending hapless GI’s who found themselves at the wrong end of military justice. After that he joined the Guard, and rose to Colonel. Still the fly boys ridiculed the hapless not-homosexual soldier with his lack of “combat” duty, so of course Lindsey became a flaming Hawk, joining forces with Angry Old Man McCain, to bitch and moan about how things should be done in their “man’s army.”

Based on this understanding, Lindsey popped up at every question with some version of “PLEASE MAKE ME PRESIDENT AND I WILL STOP THIS CRAP”, crap being defined as whomever seems (in Lindsey’s estimation) to be kickin’ our butts. What remained unsaid, but was clear was what he really meant, “PLEASE MAKE ME PRESIDENT SO I CAN KILL SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, AND STOP THE SOLDIER BOYS FROM RIDICULING ME! I’LL SHOW THEM!”

Moving upstairs to the main event, well, the hilarity ensued, the face palming was inevitable, and we knew from the beginning we would get our moneys worth. Would Trump attack Carson? Would Carson be awake? Would Jeb strut naked and show his balls off? Would Huck plead for Ms. Davis to be vindicated? Would Christie bellow and look Mafia-ready? Would snot come from Theodore’s nose when he snickered? Would Marco tell us all over again about his “family story of arriving in Nirvana on the good ship Freedom?

We waited.

We were not disappointed.

They say that no politician quits a campaign for any reason except the money is gone. Well that’s not entirely true, but close enough. Kasich we must assume has reached that point. He took on both Carson and Trump, calling their candidacies essentially crazy. He didn’t just say they were unqualified, he said they were crazy. He is not crazy he insisted. He’s done stuff. All the stuff that needs to be done, he’s done. But then everyone says they have done stuff up there on the stage.

Kasich led the charge of attack against fellow combatants. The others looked on hopefully but with a careful non-committal face, waiting to see how he did. The punches glanced off both of the crazy duet, and Kasich made reservations for his “holiday to get over losing”.

Now that “sorta establishment character” Kasich was disposed of, Jeb, licked his lips and thanked mother again for her words of wisdom, “dammit, Jeb, can’t you be a man like your brother?”, and leveled his eyes at brother Marco and let him have it. “If you can’t do your job in the Senate, maybe you should just resign!” Jeb! grinned and waited for all the pets to come his way, “good boy Jeb!”

Alas, Marco had his prepared retort at the ready. You never complained about John Kerry or Barack Obama when they too off time from their Senate duties!” he whined. Jeb! blinked. Mom never told him what to say next. So he blinked again. Marco smiled, and snuck another lick of his lollipop.

By now the others were getting restless. Theodore was prancing in the wings waiting to impress the hell out of no one with a rendition of “I was proud to lead the fight. . . .” NOT noting that he lost every battle. He got attention by yelling at the commentators who seemed an odd collection of forest creatures brought forth to “outdo Fox”at being Fox.

Theodore shook his mighty finger at the panel of questioners, and cried, “Foul! You ask mean questions!” he pouted. “Why if our answers seem insane, it’s not our fault. It’s your crazy questions that are the problem.”

Fear captured the crowd. You could hear the whispers among the handpicked stupid, who had all clearly admitted by oath in front of people that they were Republicans. “It’s just like Fox says, the MSM is just all in the pocket of the left. Can’t trust them. Can’t listen to their demon lies.” Theodore grinned, his job complete.

But what captured me utterly last night was one question and one answer. I doubt it did others, but it struck me so hard that I was literally jaw-slacked gobsmacked.

Ben Carson.

Question: There’s a hedge fund manager that bought the rights to a drug and then upped the price by 700% because he can. Do you think the government should step in, and how, to rectify this?

Ben gave some answer, that reflected his limited understanding of market economics. Mostly he shied from endorsing that anything should be done.

Well, that’s not what I expect from a doctor. Surely not one who engaged in some of the most delicate and serious of medical procedures–operation on the brains of infants.

What should I expect from a doctor?

This:

“You know, I’m a doctor. For many years I operated on the brains of very small children. I entered medicine so I could help people, and I found helping the most vulnerable among us very rewarding. It’s no exaggeration to say that I have literally held a person’s brains in my hands. The idea that any person would deliberately deny a human being, a child, a life-saving drug because their family could not afford it, is an obscenity to me. I’m not sure how we should regulate such behavior, but I know that nobody should ever not receive a life-saving drug or procedure because they can’t pay for someone’s desire to become rich.”

That’s what a normal person would say wouldn’t they?

Ben Carson is not normal. He’s not even close. There is something very very wrong with that man. I’m not sure too many saw that.

My take on it all?

1. Kasich is just waiting for the money to run out. He took his shot and it had no effect.
2. Huckabee is in this for reasons other than winning. He knows he has no chance. His only hope was the “I pretend to be a Christian because it helps cover up my ugly underbelly of beliefs” crowd and they all seemingly belong to Ben.
3. Jeb! is toast. He looks increasingly dazed, bored, cranky, and befuddled. He always thought he was smarter than his brother, and the notion that he’s not, is very hard to bear.
4. Rubio had a good night because he’s good at rapid fire “sincere” answers, but frankly his lack of experience is showing. He appears a bit childish and pouty, and his “personal story” is getting a bit old. He’s like a very energetic puppy who gets so excited his steps in his own doo. He will not prevail as Hillary would eat him for lunch.
5. The Donald had an okay night, said nothing outrageous, seemed largely above the affray and was given the win by  those who vote on such things. I have no idea why.
6. Benjie becomes more horrifying with each minute. His answers have you jumping between silly and scary. Ultimately although he’s a good spot to hide your bigotry behind, his responses are so repulsive that smarter heads will prevail, unless of course they are overwhelmed by the slow-thinking base who find him an answer to prayers.
7. Carly always sounds good at first, but the staccato delivery wears thin rapidly as we see that it’s all rehearsed, and the words never change. Her determination to just say no to any contradiction will leave her friendless in the end.
8. Theodore, did okay but this never seems to make much difference. He waits impatiently with Huck for Carson to collapse. Theodore is evil personified, but has the indignant arrogance to make the stupid think he cares. He cares only about being king. The rest of the world knows him for the wretch he is.
9. Christie the donut man, is a master at “straight talk” which is really very crooked talk, dressed up with bravado. He will continue to go nowhere, but he’s good for a line or two in the press.
10. Randy? Who?

Fervent Wish: That Ms. Lindsey gets a hand up and gets in the adult debate next time. I wanna hear more of his “PLEASSSSSEEE make me President!”

So what was your impression?