The Stupid Chronicles for April 20, 2013

Tags

2nd Amendment, Arkansas, crap I learned, gay rights, green energy, Humor, immigration, Iowa, Louis Gohmert, Maine, racism, Stupid Chronicles, Texas

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just acting like a Hispanic. Yes dear Louis the Lunatic tops our list today. But it was a close call I tell ya. Louis never fails to deliver the one two punch of stupid all wrapped up in crazy nearly every week. We sometimes wonder if Louis has a bank of writers who dream up his lines, but on reflection that would surely tip the balance and throw civilization into a retrograde orbit.

Louis dear Louis has a gem for us today. Let me put it thusly. Louis viewed Rodin’s the Thinker, and opined, “why is that dude taking a shit in public?”

Louis doesn’t have a pet rock, he’s the pet rock’s pet.

Louis knows his terrorists and he is here to tell you what he has learned. Islamic terrorist organizations are busy helping their Arab folks “act Hispanic” so they can cross the border from Mexico into America. (added joy: there is a video!)

Yes you heard it here.

Although Louis had no opinion of who caused the Boston Marathon bombings at the time he said this, he was pretty darn sure that a fence is the way to go. After all, Israel’s suicide bombings stopped when they built their fence, he offered, unaware that that is not at all true. A good guess is always good enough for Louis.

Compatriot idiot Steve King (R-IA) nodded in agreement and said that the immigration reform bill should be held up, because surely this bombing was caused (he thinks) by some student on a visa.

Louis offered no ideas about how one “acts” Hispanic. Several racist theories comes to mind, but Louis stopped short of asking people to be on the watch for the “typical” Hispanic behaviors. He did whisper that a dead giveaway that you were dealing with a “pretend” Hispanic was to offer him a jalapeño pepper and see if he cries out in anguish and calls for water after taking a bite.

Texas takes our number two spot as well, which isn’t a big surprise–it’s a big state with big idiots in it.

This is Ms. Ester Irene Stokes. She’s a school teacher in Texas. Or was, or confound it, she probably got herself a medal now.

Anyway, she was accused of fondling one of her female students. Now Ms. Stokes is 61 and the child in question was seven. So that is very bad stuff.

So Ms. Stokes tells police and anyone else who will listen that she is not guilty.

You probably assumed that didn’t ya?

Yes, well she has a rather unique defense.

She says that she is such a racist that she can barely stand to touch those little black girls in her class. The mere touch of their hands gives her the heebie jeebies and sends her off to wash off that black skin feel. I mean she actually cringes when the little nappy heads try to hug here, which must happen once every ice age at least.

There have been no responses by the school in question as to whether Ms. Stokes was still employed. What ya wanna make a bet she won’t have any trouble finding another job in some parts of the country at least.

No doubt that face will be forever seared in your brain.

Third on our hit parade for the week is Maine’s governor Paul LaPage.

Now Paulie has come to our attention before as you can note from some of his best work at the right.

But he kinda ran out of material for a little while. After the last couple of days though, I think he’s back in fighting form.

The Bangor News seems to have a particularly low opinion in the Guv, suggesting that he “makes things up” a lot.

Well, Paul is at it again. Paul doesn’t like wind power. He thinks it’s somehow un-American, being all cheap and non-polluting and such. Oil and Gas don’t like air power and that’s enough for big Paul.

So Paul said, “Now, to add insult to injury, The University of Maine, Presque Isle – anybody here been up there to see that damn windmill in the back yard? Guess what, if it’s not blowing wind outside and they have somebody visiting the campus, they have a little electric motor that turns the blades. I’m serious. They have an electric motor so that they can show people wind power works. Unbelievable. And that’s the government that you have here in the state of Maine.”

Of course, no such thing is true. The University says there is no “little motor”.

All this would be funny, and it is, but the answer to Paulie’s nonsense is that he’s touched in the head. Read crazy as a loon. Read, coming up on Louis’s shoulder and threatening to pass.

Paulie intends to run for re-election. He predicts that the teacher’s unions better watch out, cuz he’s coming for them. And his new idol? Well that ever-favorite of Wisconsin, Scott Walker.

“I will guarantee you that you will see the most vicious education campaign ads that you’ve ever seen in your life next year, because I am going to be the next Scott Walker in this country, because I am challenging the status quo.”

No, Paulie is challenging the all-time low IQ in the USA. I am putting my bets he will win.

Fourth is a new face for us, GOP House Representative from Iowa, Dennis Guth.

Guth is one of those self-styled experts on the issue of homosexuality.

Guth first focused on the media and accused them of making that homosexual lifestyle seem good and nice, when we all know it’s really yucky.

See, Guth says, homosexuals are like “second-hand” smoke, they cause harm to those around them who are normal. They cause health risks to his family he says, by their increased invitation to transmittable sexual diseases. He opines that there are “more medical tests required” before you can give blood or birth. He thinks they are connected but forgot to say how.

Other than that, Guth was unable to explain why their diseases would “harm” his family, unless of course one posits that either he or members of his family regularly engage the services of willing homosexuals for ummm, sex.

Guth is an idiot, and his Democratic colleague told him so.

Our fifth and last entry for the week comes from good old Arkansas, a state that often shows us the butt end of humanity.

Nate Bell, is (you guessed it) a REPUBLICAN state rep from good old Ar-KANSAS, who is a protector of the 2nd Amendment, which he neither understands, nor defends with anything other than yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay blather.

Well, inside that fun face is a very human and very empathetic individual. So as soon as he heard about the manhunt going on in Boston and its environs, wondered via Twitter:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a high-capacity magazine?

I mean how sympathetic can a guy be?

I mean really?

Nate withdrew the Tweet once it was pointed out to him that he was being a total douche. Of course it was up long enough for a long list of people to tell him that.

Good luck Nate on re-election.

And if you have not run into these videos (YouTube has several by the same guy), then sit back and for a couple of minutes, just chortle your little heart out. Dry up your tears at the above and replace with belly laughs.

Related articles

• LePage Spins Windmill Conspiracy Theory (thetippingpoint.bangordailynews.com)
• Outrage as Rep. Gohmert says radical islamists being trained to act Hispanic (nbclatino.com)

 

Just Wiggly with Wampum

Tags

Alan West, Arkansas, Christianity, creation, Darwin, David Barton, evolution, founding fathers, gay rights, God, GOP, John McCain, Lindsay Graham, Michael Steele, Michele Bachmann, philosophy, religious right, Sarah Palin, science, Steven Hawkings, teabuggers, universe

Have you noticed that talking to a GOPer is pretty much the same as conversing with a psychotic or paranoid schizophrenic? I have. Actually, I think I prefer the latter. At least their theories are more interesting. With GOPers, one continually tries to make sense of their words. This is a mistake, but one we continue to make. With the insane, we expect exactly what we get. It’s not so confusing.

I could give you examples but you undoubtedly have examples of your own.

Me, I like a world that has room for foil-capped flying-saucer nuts. Everyone knows the guv’ment is prone to lie, is it so outrageous to think that they lie about alien visitation? See? You can have a good time with these conspiracy theorists, and only realize that something is not quite right when you find an alarm clock in the freezer. You make allowances.

***

I’m not buying the “explanations” about what is going on in Arkansas. Plain and simple, I put this down as a guv’ment cover-up, no matter what they have induced its residents to claim. Proof is in the pudding as they say, or in the Arkansas Family Council which is hosting a 2-day seminar starring the pseudo-historian David Barton. This is all for the benefit of the state’s legislature, to teach ’em about how our country was founded on “Christian principles.” Oh, and while they are at it, bein’ Christian and all, would they mind making sure no gays are allowed to pollute the environs with any of that equal rights crap?

The obsessiveness with which the far religious right attacks homosexuality, suggests that for some reason closet homophobes tend to gravitate to such organizations in droves. “NO, NOT ME. NO, I’M STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW!” Yeah tell us.

***

I’m beginning to think that Sarah Palin’s troubles with “what books do you read” is pretty indicative of the GOP in general. Jon Stewart mentioned that the candidates for the GOP leadership were asked this and Michael Steele, said “War and Peace,” and then quoted from it: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Tolstoy and Dickens exchanged graves at this point. Another lady chairperson wanna be, said, “the kitchen table.”

Now we learn the Michele Bachmann, that bastion of educational superiority, notes that she was a Democrat but was so incensed by Gore Vidal’s hatred of the founding fathers in Burr that she instantly became a Republican. Make any sense? Of course not. We said Michele Bachmann didn’t we?

The full article at Salon is actually very good, and well worth your link up.

***

Atheists believe,  but cannot prove that empiricism is the only basis for discovering truth. Hawking claims that philosophy is dead, fallen to the god, science. Now I revere science as much as the next gal, but I think First Things (a publication I normally don’t much cotton to) makes a very excellent point. Hawking in the end just “kicks the can” further down the street, by positing an empiricism that is subjective to the model used. Sorta like multiple realities emanating from rationally generated multiple models. Or, philosophy?

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Of all the new teabuggers in Congress, Alan West (R-FL) may be the wackiest. Now he’s claiming that sharia law is just infesting our systems! Yikes, get out the bug spray. I am guessing that most of those fine Florida voters must have been ironing the wrinkles from their skin every time West opened his mouth, and missed just how insane the man is. Or perhaps they misheard–Adam West? Thought they were electing Batman?

***

Biologos does a great review of Conor Cunningham’s book, Darwin’s Pious Idea: Why the Ultra-Darwinists and the Creationists Both Get it Wrong. In the end, we learn what many of us, most of us perhaps, have always known. There is no “issue” between Darwin and faith. From the review it seems like a most worthwhile book to pick up. Eerdmans is the publisher if that helps your assessment.

***

John McCain is getting to be a bore. Mr. Walnuts as he is called by some is just a crotchety old man who can’t get over being rejected twice for the job that he feels America owes him–the Presidency. Everything he now does is explained by that fact.

Sarah Palin is getting to be a bore. Everybody, even boring people can come up with Palin jokes. I mean you don’t have to even be witty. She’s such a huge target. Will she? Won’t she? Palin is just a woman from nowhere in particular, stuck in a backwater state, doing nothing in particular. She wanted to be rich, and she wanted to be famous. Everything she now does is explained by that fact.

I’ve decided that my new idiot par excellence is (drum roll) LINDSAY GRAHAM. The perpetual bachelor whom everyone knows is gay. He hitched his sled to Johnny, who failed. He couldn’t hide behind Johnny’s pant leg any more, so he extracted his nose from the Walnutz ass and decided to become a full-fledged wacko all by his self.

He’s a weasel, he whines, he snivels, he moans that it’s just so hard being a senator that the Democrats like to wore him out asking him to put in full days of reading and thinking during that lame ducky thing. He’s pouty. And me thinks he is running scared, since he did that whole Mavericky thing with Johnny, and now the teabuggers are none too happy with him, so he’s swung to the opposite pole, and is getting his tips from Bachmann and King, and DeMint.

Lindsay has hitched up his pants and said he will vote NO!!!! dammit to raising the debt ceiling. He is gonna play the game of brinksmanship. No statesmanlike status for him. Oh no, he prefers the buffoonery approach.

I say, let us stare the fools down. Do they really want to do that? I suspect even they will blink. Otherwise we, Obama, that is, might as well back and leave Washington and give them the entire ship of state.

***

What’s on the Stove: Venison Stroganoff, with noodles and salad with blue cheese, and rolls.

Related Articles

• Watch: GOP Audience Gasps as Michelle Bachmann Tells Them She Was Once a Democrat, Worked for Jimmy Carter (towleroad.com)
• Senator Lindsay Graham calls for permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan (redantliberationarmy.wordpress.com)
• Graham Joins Loonies, Plans Government Shutdown (littlegreenfootballs.com)
• Debt ceiling: DeMint threatens to blow up government; Ryan, Graham look for hostages (dailykos.com)
• Lindsay Graham: The Warrior Queen…. (tagg-lines.com)

Well, Now that That’s Over With!

Tags

American Exceptionalism, Arkansas, China, Constitution, GOP, Michael Steele, teabuggers, wingnuts

If you woke up similar to this on New Year’s Day, then presumably you’re pretty glad it’s over with too!

So it’s on to the January blahs, or as it’s commonly known in Iowa, freakin’ cold, freakin’ snow, and freakin’ bleak. It’s something you learn to live through, other options being less enticing.

So, we made it to the big city and done our shopping. We operate like a finely tuned team. We hit the first store where we buy our meat. No packaged stuff, just a long case with meat and a slew of butchers behind the counter to cut and wrap.

Then it’s drop me off at the mega supermarket, while the Contrarian heads off to Wal-Mart for dog and cat food, as sundry clothing items and so forth. Then he returns to locate me. As it turned out today, I had just checked out with a teeming cart load when he arrived, so we were in total synch.

The lane is partly blown in so we travel via the field. Can you say washboard? The Contrarian went out Friday when it was still slushy and created a trail that has since iced down. Now it’s like getting the tires in groove and lettin’ her rip, no steering required. It’s a hair-raising event.

***

The most exciting news so far is that the GOPers are apparently about to unseat Mr. Steele as chairman of their party. Figuring they have “proved we are down with Negroes” one almost expects them to shout Arriba! and search for a token Latino or LINO, as they are called, to shore up that ethnic flavor. But as far as we know, no brown Beemers are in the running. No Cabin GOPers either.  Muslims are still too hot to handle, and women have been done (Sarah should suffice for a good twenty years). The Good Old P*ckers can be expected to stay fully in control.

***

Hey, don’t blame me. I swore off meanness for nearly two weeks. I’m raring to go!

***

It’s being reported that 5000 birds dropped out the skies of Arkansas, dead as doornails. Unlike doornails, they had once presumably been alive. Now we hear that 100,000 fish (did they really count them all?) have died in some waterway there. Reports of a Moses like figure and a guy with a lots of eye makeup named Pharoah, arguing on the Capital steps, are wildly exaggerated. We got the dead stuff report from Mock, Paper, Scissors, the rest  we dreamed up.

***

We are a nation of noodles. The news is full of instances in which teabugger candidates who were elected have fired lobbyists as their chiefs-of-staff. Some wacko state elected as their representative a dude who was illegally placed in the Justice department by Rove and was fired. He is now scheduled to sit on the Judiciary committee. West, the blowheart from Florida who claimed he had a higher security clearance than Obama, but was forced to resign his commission in the armed services, now claims that Obama is no leader because he sneaks into Afghanistan under dark of night in secrecy. This is no “leadership” as Wacko West sees it.

We are getting what we voted for aren’t we?

***

I’d like more than anything than to link up to great stories about the insanity of all these wingnuts, and do it without becoming angry, and despondent, and without hope, and resigned, and pissed off. I’d like that. I always say I’m going to remain above it all, just looking down and reporting the landscape, from up here in the trees, or clouds. But I don’t. Tell me how if you know. My blood pressure will sure thank you.

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I hear the GOPers in the House plan to start the festivities off with reading the Constitution from front to back. This is a good beginning. It will undoubtedly be their first experience with the document. They might find that it is printed in one continuous piece of paper, and that the amendments are not “optional”.

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I wonder who the GOP will put down once they have exhausted all the minorities on the planet. I mean after the Mauri and the Magyars. When they have hated and vilified and blamed all their woes on everyone else, who will they turn to them?

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I’m wondering if parents who have kids about to enter college and suggesting they learn Chinese or major in Asian studies. It seems prudent to me. I think American “exceptionalism” has reached it nadir, nobody overseas buys it much, and China seems poised to take the helm, with India not far behind. Both have invested in the future. We are still romanticizing the past and wanting a return to the “good old days” when everybody was happy (meaning white men felt a lot more secure and in charge).

***

Related Articles

• Issa Fine Tunes His Investigation Target Net (themoderatevoice.com)
• 100,000 Dead Fish Wash Ashore in Arkansas: Is the End Near? (VIDEO) (blippitt.com)