And since I have a proven record of predicting the future (I was one of the first to encourage the President to select Biden as his VP candidate, if you recall), I’ve decided to peer into the ball of bombastic busyness, the orb of OH MY GOD, and tell ya what the future is gonna be like.
Similar to all those futuristic predictions of yore–flying cars, remember?–I’m sure most all of them will come true, somewhere, to someone, on some planet, in some galaxy, in some universe (should there be more than one naturally).
So let’s get started:
- Let’s get the simple stuff out of the way. MSU will win the Rose Bowl, the Packers will be Super Bowl Champs.
- Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame will get caught exiting an old-style “bathhouse” in San Francisco, and will make the usual tearful, “I have sinned against my God” all with appropriate tears and pleas to “let the family alone”. Fans will forgive Phil, but not until he gives them all the details of his “Night of Orgy”. Phil will shave, and become a televangelist preacher, declaring himself “saved but again” and “cured”. He will kiss his wife full on the lips at the end of each sermon for emphasis.
- Looking at the demographics, Survivor producers conclude that the only way to make a buck off this reality show is to do “Survivor Nursing Home” wherein a bevy of octogenarians race in wheelchairs for a dog-eared copy of Playboy, while the lady contestants race to put on a full complement of makeup without their bifocals–judging will be who can stay inside the lines. The winner won’t receive a million bucks because, hey they could never live long enough to spend it. But they will get a room with a better view.
- The hard-core Tea Party leadership buys land in upstate Montana and lives together in a commune-style religious house. Ted and Sarah are the king and queen, while Gohmert vies with Steve King for court jester. (oh that is reality now isn’t it…except for the land in Montana.) Jim Inhofe is the science teacher, and Rick Perry is the gynecologist, and is never seen to be smiling, since he discovered that old vaginas are about as cute and fluffy as his withered old dick.
- Johnny Depp promises yet another Jack Sparrow movie, except this one will include characters such as the Mad Hatter, Ichabod Crane, Rango, Tonto, Barnabas Collins, Sweeny Todd, and Edward Scissorhands, all played by Depp. In fact there will be no other actors except for the obligatory Helena Bonham Carter, who will recreate all her roles as well. The two-person tour-de-force will be so successful, that Hollywood will shut its doors having achieved all that is humanly possible on this earth and directing people who want entertainment to Penn and Teller.
- A new and successful weight-loss solution will be unveiled, called “extreme shaving” wherein, people can opt for shaving depths of 1/16 to 1/4 inch to “shave that weight away”. Blood transfusions optional, but they will negate some weight loss achieved. Marketers suggest that one can return as soon as the scabs have fallen away for more treatments. The GOP searches for marketing avenues for the discarded flesh, claiming that a soylent green-like idea for food stamp users, is “just the thing” to prove that there is “no free lunch” and that working is better than being a taker.
- A whole bunch of Republicans and Democrats get caught having sex with people they are not authorized to do the nasty with. The various scandals will involve prostitutes, gay liaisons, transsexuals, and at least one involving a potted dieffenbachia plant. A few will get caught doing drugs, and a few telling the truth about something, but nobody cared.
- A new planet has been found hiding behind Saturn, called the Veiled Slingo. Since the information was released by one of the known-truth tellers in the Democratic party, nobody cared. Exxon-Mobile is trying to secure drilling rights.
- Tim Tebow‘s career as a football player ends about as quickly as it began, proving once again that God doesn’t like violent sports, or at least is not a Denver or NY fan. Green Bay fans grumpily insist that God has always loved violent sports–“who do you think Vince Lombardi was you idiot?” Da Bears, just cry on.
- Paula Deen’s food continues to taste like crap. Sarah Palin continues to be surprised at the words that come out of her own mouth, Anthony Weiner continues to selfie his shlong, and Alabama continues to be a state in the Union, although three national votes overwhelmingly called for its ouster. The government, continues to send federal money to Alabama for the purpose of fostering secessionist sentiment.
- The planet earth, sick and tired of all the pollutants it labors under, lets out a tremendous fart and turns the moon literally to green cheese. After a short bout of hic-ups, all is well. The GOP thinks it was a terrorist plot to induce us to buy more Maalox, and in characteristic fashion, vow to repeal it and return the environment to its dirty past.
- Jesus returns and nobody notices. He turned out not to be what the evangelical Right expected, and so therefore, not biblically authentic. The search continues for the blue-eyed blond white guy, who as we all know, would be Jesus.
- A new breakthrough in glasses occurs, with eyeballs painted on the lens so that it appears you are paying attention to others while actually you are watching reruns of Breaking Bad on your eyeglass viewer. The eyeballs blink occasionally to look realistic. It is not recommended to wear them while driving, except a golf cart, because watching golf cart crashes is by everyone’s admission funny as hell.
- I will find a lottery ticket in the parking lot, and find out that it is the sole winner of the jackpot of “all the spare cash in the world” amounting to $0.75. While the money is inconsequential, I’ll be asked to appear on virtually every show on TV and cable, and will meet Johnny Depp and he will say, “hey old gal, wanna take a turn on my jolly roger?”
- President Obama will call me and tell me that he’s been reading my blog for years, and just had to tell me, that it was my advice that he choose Biden as his running mate that made the difference. He will send me a copy of his real birth certificate too. And his college transcripts, and his secret Muslim hand signal.
And there ya have it, folks. Take it all to the bank. Bet the house on it. It’s a winner all the way. These things are sure bets for the upcoming year. Have a great, and careful New Year’s celebration!