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exerstick1There are many around the globe that suggest that the end of “civilization as we know it” is upon us. They point to varied and sundry reasons why this is so. No less a sage that our dear Louis Gohmert (R-Idiot from TX) is sure that the Supreme Court rulings on DOMA and Prop 8 signal the demise of the US, because as “everyone” knows, all great civilizations went in for this sort of debauchery right before they fell.

There are Armageddon prophesies everywhere you look, for a certain type of person positively gets orgasmic at the very idea of Jesus riding on a white horse, sword extended Hessian style, in front of hordes of angelic angels all bent on eradicating evil on earth. They imagine themselves sitting next to Jesus munching popcorn as all those they so hate will fall in flames. Take that Al Gore! Oh Bill Maher’s head just exploded into a million worms! Michael Moore gutted! Oh the fun of it all, as we walk among the carnage of Earth, with nothing but a few thousand Christians munching apples and discussing how to clean up the mess.

Well, I am here to tell ya that I am no less sure that we are about to collapse as a civilization but my reasons are quite different, and I trust you will find them much more persuasive. Unlike the crazy right, I rather fashion that after the Apocalypse, mankind will find itself supplanted by a humanoid creature more akin to Neanderthals as we sweep out our caves and prepare Sunday brunch of bizarre-looking lizard soup. Perhaps this time around our privatie parts might be mounted in the middle of our foreheads and we all wear the burqa out of embarrassment.

In any event, the how this comes to be is the issue at hand here.

And I’m fairly certain I know.

It started many a year gone by. I never saw this, but I trust he veracity of the Contrarian who swears it is true.

Once a denizen of the night, said Contrarian got to like watching infomercials, those stalwart installations of the late night. We all know about our Clappers, and Ov-Gloves, those are standard fare. But the EXERSTICK was something great!

The Exerstick was a stick, made of aluminum. It was for exercising. A handy booklet accompanied your stick to give you some ideas of how to use it to bring your body into youthful tone and abs to die for. It cost the usual $14.99. But wait, there’s more! You also got the “travel Exerstick” for that low price. This beauty was collapsible (think blind walking stick), and had its own carrying case emblazoned with the words, “yes I’m the idiot who bought this”, sure to induce all baggage thieves to look elsewhere than your luggage, for something of value to steal.

petrockWho could ever forget the wonderful pet rock? You too could own one of these–the perfect pet who needed neither food nor water. It never got lost. It never made noise. It was simple, and it was direct.

And people bought them.

Some guy actually walked out into the street, picked up some stones, and put them on EBay and sold them as “rocks”.

Need I say more?


And then along came Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Big_Mouth_Billy_BassTo the delight of men everywhere, Billy Bass sang to guys in their man caves.

Women laughed, and knew that the joke was on men.

For women didn’t allow Billy Bass in the house. So Billy was confined to garages and basements and men went there to be with him.

And women were pleased at that.

Very pleased indeed.

All manner of other crap such as neon Budweiser signs, deer heads with shiny marble eyes, old lazy boys with torn cushions could all be confined together in the smelly, smokey confines of the man’s room.

We all know that Christmas is near when the infamous chias arrive on our television screens.

chiapetAunt Thelma who loved to knit got the ram chia. Boy wasn’t she surprised? Uncle Alfred, who hadn’t had a head of hair since 1974, got his head chia where he could enjoy seeing hair grow luxuriously for days on end.

Chia’s became the perfect gift for people not worth thinking hard enough about in the first place, or conversely people you secretly couldn’t stand anyway.

We love our chias and every Christmas some unfortunate people tear off all that pretty paper only to learn that they too have been Chia-d.

It’s so nice to know you are so little thought of.

My heart swells with such pride.

Now, all of this would be proof of little more than that there are  a lot of very very dull  and gullible people out there.

That is hardly news.

But we must dig deeper.

Most all of these folks who dreamed up these things are just ordinary dull  people. In fact they are duller than most, for who in their right mind would decide one day to collect and sell rocks–AS something other than what they are–PETS?

But that’s not the point. The point is, that dull folks like this work in factories sweeping floors. They pick up garbage off the curb. If they can demonstrate an ability to read, they deliver mail.

In other words, they ain’t rich. They have no capital to get their enterprises off the ground. They must induce rich people to back them. And they have. And that worries me.

But the KING of all crazy is what I saw yesterday. I have included the video so you know I’m not joshing you. Perfect Polly is a pet parrot. She has her own perch. Her head swivels and her tail moves. She chirps when you enter a room and move around. She’s the “perfect pet”. She doesn’t dirty a cage, doesn’t cost money in food, doesn’t require watering. She is always there. As the commercial says, “you’ll never be alone again.” There were plenty of old people in the commercial. Apparently old people have a difficulty determining living and dead things. They treated Polly as if she were alive for sure.

Somebody put up the money to market this. That should scare you to death. It surely means that the end is near.

Well, it gave me an idea. I mean. If a parrot, why not dogs and cats? Why not every exotic pet you’ve always wanted? I envision Ken the Koala Bear. All I have to do is get my exerstick, smear it with some chia seeds, and place Ken on the “eucalyptus branch”. When I enter the room, Ken will turn his head, blink his eyes, and “chew” his eucalyptus “leaves”, all for my pet-loving pleasure.

I’m calling Mark Cuban right now. I’m sure he’ll be happy to invest a half mill to get me started.

Place your orders today. Supplies are limited!


I went to YouTube and found this. You have got to see the one for golfers who need to pee out on the course. I thought I would die laughing.