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no-amnestyYou must have a strong constitution and a note from your psychiatrist that you have a iron-clad brain case before you can read further here.

We are entering the wacky world of the GOP, where the general laws of the universe don’t apply. The tail wags the dog here, and nobody means anything close to what they say.

We are about to reach the high point of hilarity on this immigration bill that is working its way through the erected fences and high deserts of the Senate, all to land finally and with a resounding guacamole splat in the laps of the House of Representatives.

Everyone is getting ready to put on their best two-faced persona.

Let us set the scene.

The Senate led by the gawd-awful gauchos times eight, is about to vote on the bill. Just a few days ago it was in dire trouble because as Senate Republicans lamented, it didn’t do enough to “protect our border.” Note I said BORDER, NOT BORDERS, since nary a Senator has mentioned the northern one. (HINT TO TERRORISTS). This fun phrase has been used ad infinitum to justify a refusal to do anything on immigration reform, something that EVERYONE agrees needs to be fixed, but opinions  as to how, are as plentiful as crabgrass.

The GOP made it clear that there would be no movement on what to do with the 11 million already here, until the “border” issue was resolved. In pops Senator Cornyn, with his amendment which was defeated last week. That amendment would have required a “certified” statement of something like 95% security at the border before any step could be taken regarding the 11 million. It was widely considered a “poison pill” given that such a figure is unlikely to ever be met unless border patrol agents stand shoulder to shoulder along the 1,954 miles we share with Mexico.

Along comes the Hoevan-Corker amendment, provided by Senators from North Dakota and Tennessee, who obviously know more about the southern border than anyone else. These fine GOPers have a solution. Their plan is to double the number of border patrol agents, and build some 700 miles of new fence, and turn all the policy decisions on compliance over to the Congress and away from Homeland Security, where as we all know, must faster and efficient decisions are sure to be made.

And the price tag? Oh, somewhere along the lines of 38 BILLION. And no Republican OFFSET cuts in spending either.

Now this would all be fine, since apparently the amendment doesn’t tie some “proof” of success to the start of the “pathway to citizenship”, and all the new security measures could get bogged down in the usual unhappiness of bickering in the Congress that seems its reason d’ etre at this point, but hey, we have been down this road before.

Back in 2006, Bush pushed through a jump of 6000 more border agents and over 600 miles of new fence. That was thought to “solve the problem”.  And guess what? It was done. But of course, our GOP is never one to remember the past when it conflicts with the agenda of today. So, the gold posts are moved, and we have new goals of something like 20,000 new agents and another 700 miles of fence.

Which is really all to hide the fact that it ain’t and never was about this border security thing at all.

illegalIf you are confounded by all this, well, it has to do with being an omnivore.

Yes, you heard me right. According to Jonathan Haidt, my BFF, (he has no idea), when we evolved to being such, we had all kinds of choices. The downside was that not all of those shiny brightly colored things were good. Some were poisonous. So we are conflicted.

Some of us more conflicted than others.

Liberals tend to embrace new stuff which Conservatives tend to stay with the tried and true. Well that works for food, but it also seeps over into all kinds of other stuff.

Like how we feel about a “new” demographic.

See Liberals are fine with the changing demographics of the USA. But Conservatives? Not so much. It’s a matter of degree, but they like things they way they are were, least how they envision how things were. And their idea is that white people = right government is, well gooder than brown/black people = right government.

In other words, to a lesser or greater degree ( we all vary somewhat on the new/traditional scale), they’d rather stay in charge.

And that in a nut shell is what this bill faces when it crosses the border into the territory of the Tea Party brigades in the House. Border security may be used as the flag round which to rally but when that problem is essentially eradicated by the Senate version, well, we gotta face the music.

The House while under GOP leadership was very successful in gerrymandering itself so that a huge number of its seats are now owned by solid Republican majorities. However, that doesn’t mean that any individual GOPer is safe. Iffin’ he or she ain’t drunk enough tea, well, they will be primaried by someone who has.

And the one voice of the Tea Party goes something like this: SHIP THEM BACK. ALL OF THEM, WITH THEIR ANCHOR BABIES WHO AREN’T REAL CITIZENS. As Phyllis Schlafly points out, these Hispanics are different. Unlike the second generation of all the other ethnic groups, these South of the border types don’t embrace American values in the next generation but are prone to drugs, violence and gangs. (Why do we have that St. Paddy’s day parade?)

Soooo, the upshot of all that is that enough House Republicans ain’t voting for any immigration bill no matter what it says, unless it says the above. And Boehner has been warned that should he bring a bill to the floor that does not have majority support of the GOP caucus, he can bend over and attempt to kiss his own ass, since it will be flying out of the speaker’s chair faster than dust lands on my deck from the desert.

So Boehner is F**KED and so are all the Republican Senators who KNOW that they can’t win a dang national election and probably not a state one with that kind of “we aren’t partial to brown” attitude.

And that means we continue our shitty, unfair, unequal, immoral immigration rules for God knows how much longer.

But, at least we have the satisfaction of watching the Tea Party throw a major hissy fit in front of the whole world to see. I mean they are more fun that a barrel of KKK taking a wrong turn and ending up at the South end of Woodward Avenue at noon during the Freedom Festival in Detroit.

Can I get a witness?