11 | April | 2013 | Existential Ennui

Tags

GOP, Humor, John Boehner, satire, tea party

Seriously, the dude will go anywhere where tea is not drunk, spoken of, or dangled precariously off the rims of head-gear.

John is dangerously close to drowning in a sea of tea. The mere mention of Boston makes him shudder. The words Pekoe or Darjeeling make him quiver in fear.

John is scared I tell ya. Things never thought to be on his horizon are looming like orca whales with maws agape. He can smell the fine stomach acids emanating from their bellies in anticipation of John Meat.

You remember the Hastert Rule no doubt. A cute piece of party law, instituted by that great constitutionalist and all-around patriot, Dennis Hastert, the rule was designed to protect the GOP from embarrassment when a few too many of its members felt compelled to vote “nay” to a popular piece of legislation.

Hastert instituted it so that no legislation was ever brought to the floor unless it already had a majority of Republican votes. When a majority chose not to violate, say their allegiance to the United States of Exxon-Mobile or America the NRA, they were protected from having to take that stance publicly, because old Denny would just not let the bill come to the floor for a vote.

And that, ladies and gents is the way real DEMON-ocracy works in Merika.

So, Johnny the Orange has lived by the Hastert rule since his speakership began. It worked flawlessly until, oh say, when the GOP got its butt handed to it in slices via the 2012 election. Suddenly, with Congressional approval ratings on life-support, and most of that directed at the GOP, well, things had to change.

John first violated the Hastert Rule over the December 2012 “fiscal cliff” discussion, realizing that unless he wanted to start digging his own and his party’s grave, it was the sensible thing to do. That was followed the Hurricane Sandy relief bill of which his own tea Potter clan refused to accede. Now this was considered highly egregious by even the non-Tea Potters within the party seeing as how they had always supported relief packages quickly in the face of need to the Midwest and the South East.

And then of course Boehner was forced to abandon Denny’s Detour Delight once again when it came to the Violence Against Women Act, an act that was already a law, but needed periodic “re” validation. The Tea Potters objected to those gay women being protected and those native women being assaulted by white guys who had just had a bit too much to drink. I mean ALL assaults aren’t bad are they?

But Boehner saw the writing on the wall (volumes of mail calling him names that are not printable here), and brought all three of these bills before the full house and getting them passed with sizeable Nays from the Tea Potters who really hated being “outed” (pardon my gay reference) by their chief of crap.

So, what has all that got to do with Boehner’s desire to leave our fair shores?

Well, Boehner has been warned by his Tea Dribblers that this outing has to stop. They, as any good Republican certainly knows, want to continue to hide behind the very substantial pants of one Dennis Hastert and his curtain of shame. And they have told Johnny, to stop THAT.

Except now, John is squarely in the crosshairs (pardon the gun pun) of the gun safety issue.

You see, it seems that there is a very good likelihood that the Manchin-Toomy bill will pass the Senate. It is a not so great bill, since it comes with the usual loopholes (like how are we policing “sales between relatives” and what the hell constitutes a “neighbor”), but it’s better than no bill at all, which was looking awful likely a couple of days ago.

So John, who has been able to avoid doing much of anything for 4+ years because he could count on the filibuster keeping ANYTHING from ever hitting the Senate floor, and thus he could “wait until the Senate did it’s job and passed a bill”, is now faced with the reality that a bill will hit the floor and lord of all lords, will probably pass.

That leaves Johnny with the sticky wicket as it were. For seriously his idiot Tea Potters are so used to that Glock stuck up their behinds that they dare not breathe compromise or Wayne La PeePee Pierre will pull the trigger blowing their shit to kingdom come.

And folks it gets sweeter than this.

The Senate is probably also poised to pass an immigration bill as well. It too will be crummy, but not quite as crummy as nothing.

And John is sweatin’ that one too, for if anything gets his Tea Potters more upset than having a loaded Glock go off in their booties, it’s the thought of tens of thousands of those confounded “brownies” getting citizenship in their respective states, thumbing their noses at their newly blown off white asses, and running against them and getting the Latino vote and redecorating their TeaPotter offices in Turquoise and desert red.

So, John, is swooning with pique.

John is asking why he ever wanted this damn job in the first place.

John is wondering whether a nice cushy job with one of his long time corporate supports wouldn’t make more sense.

John is polishing his passport and scouring the globe for a non-tea country to settle down in.