So how’s it goin’ out there?
I mean, are ya all Christmasy yet?
Depending on your gender, you’re either yawning about now, or twisting your hair into frizzles as you gnaw at the pencil bemoaning the long list that still greets you.
Yes I said gender.
Everyone knows that MOST (remember I did say most, which I am constrained to say, since the Contrarian ALWAYS makes note of when I say ALWAYS because he suggests that it’s an unfair assessment of anyone and everyone should everyone be more to the point than anyone. Got that? Didn’t think so, so move on). Okay, again.
Everyone knows that MOST men have little to do with any festive occasion, be it Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years or Easter, the “Big Four” as I call ’em. Oh they have their little chores, but they pale in comparison to what WOMEN are called upon to do. Mostly men fetch and carry and SHOW UP reasonably on time and not looking like they just stepped out of a scene from AX MEN.
On the other hand, MOST women are the food preparers and decorators, the house cleaners, the buyers of gifts, the wrappers, the planners, the strategic organizers. They are BUSY while the men are ZONING in front of the big screen, beer in hand and remote clutched firmly lest anyone interfere with the switching back and forth from da Bears to The Patriots game, simulcast in quadruple screen brilliant blood and gore. If you speak to them they grunt. Yes, as in “huhhhhh?” Then of course they still don’t LISTEN to a word you are saying.
I know that WOMEN do all the real work when it comes to holidays, because yesterday on Facebook, WOMEN were the one’s who were sending out seasonal greetings to all their FB friends. It was only Wednesday but WOMEN know they are about to start that run to the goal line–which is getting the damn food on the table on Christmas day. Then they can almost collapse into a puddle of goo, that is after the freakin’ food is put away and the dishes all cleaned up, which is just about the time when the masculine types will bellow out that a “snack” would be nice about now.
And of course tomorrow, the MALES will burp and fart their way to a late morning wake up, while the WOMEN are busy cleaning up all the trash from the day before and making the house somewhat presentable again for the “you know they will come” various lost relatives who come to remind you that their lives are way more interesting and fulfilling than yours, and gee, you STILL have this sofa? I remember that burn hole from when we were in high school, chit-chat.
So if they haven’t already, WOMEN are busy turning out a production line of cookies in various shapes and sizes and flavors, all to prove that they learned a thing or two from their Easy Bake Ovens. And they are wondering if card boughs draped around the front door are dated. And they are wondering if they got the right size for Uncle John’s slippers. And did they remember scotch tape? And gift cards? Are there holiday napkins? Oh lord the china needs washing. The cat is climbing through the tree again, and the dog is stealing ornaments and hiding them in his bed.
The kids are insane and need to be simply locked in their rooms until the big day. Oh and Bobby needs a hair cut, and Brenda broke her glasses again.
A WOMAN slips back and forth from one reality to another–the Christmas holiday she would love to have, and the one that is doomed to be.
A MAN, drinks his beer, flips the stations, naps, snores, and takes out the trash and feels self-satisfied with his “helping out.”
A MAN goes to the mall late at night, bemoans his limitations to the prettiest clerk he can find, and lets her figure out what he should buy. Then he buys it, and moans once more about the “wrapping thing” and he is directed to another pretty little thing who laughs at his macho jokes and dutifully wraps his gift, which he has already forgotten the contents of. He will place that baby under the tree and beam with “ain’t I greatness” when she opens it and oohs and ahhs, and sighs inwardly, wondering how many times she will have to wear “it” before she can safely stow “it” in the back of the drawer and put on the nice warm jammies she really wanted to wear during the long cold winter.
Both MEN and WOMEN will sigh contentedly at the end of the holiday, figuring they have done another good job.
So, yeah, I know. Most of you are men. The Women are of course, already getting started with the chaos for the last 5 days.
I’m so frickin’ jolly, that I can burp, fart and take a nap. Is the last photo your doing? Love it!
What photo? Whichy one ya referrin’ to there Hansi? !END
Wow… what a sexist rant! True, of course, but sexist, nonetheless. I’ll have you know that I, one of those neanderthals with more testosterone sloshing around than necessary, did the Xmas shopping for my wife this year. I readily admit this has been a rare event, hollerdaze-wise, but by Godfrey I went to the friggin’ mall, braved the slings and arrows of outrageous elbowin’ women, and took care of shit neither of us wanted to bother with this year.
And I’ll do the bulk of the holiday cooking that we’ll take to my sister’s house this weekend, ’cause my baby shouldn’t have to mess with stuff if she’s willing to put up with my family (and thusly spare me from hers) over the holidays.
The burbin’ remote control hoggin’ stereotype hurts, though. I don’t hug it tightly to my chest. I just keep it in my off hand so she can’t reach it. Just sayin’…
Merry Christmas, Sherry!
lol…you sound like my kinda man! The Contrarian braved the internet as far as I can tell for his Christmas shopping. And although he can cook, he don’t on the holidays, though to be fair, he does say he’d be fine with hotdogs and fries for a meal so as “I don’t have to spend the day in the kitchen. You have a magnificent holiday too Squatlo which is a strange “name” to be sure. lol..By the by, I just love you logo. It is so perfect!
Snoring Dog Studio said:
Love the photo! Hey, this Christmas, my sister’s hubby is making the Christmas dinner – a la the Paleo diet. I can’t imagine fully what that means. I’m a bit worried. Thank goodness my sister is making the most amazing, delicious treat for dessert – the incredible White Christmas Pie. So far, I haven’t been assigned any cooking duties. I wonder if I should be hurt?
the paleo diet is supposed to be like the cave people ate in the old days. Meat, veggies, fruits, no grains for some reason though that is odd since undoubtedly they ate wild grains. Do send me the recipe for the white christmas pie. That sounds interesting. And just be grateful to not have to cook. lol…