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“Mitt, oh Mitt, time to wake up darling.”

“Mitt? Mitt really, you must get up!”

“Lemme alone will ya? I’m sleeping. I don’t wanna go.”

“Willard Mitt Romney you get out of that bed immediately. It’s past eleven and you have to get dressed still!”

“Call and tell him I’m sick. I don’t feel good. I think I have a fever. My head hurts, and my stomach is queasy. Really I don’t want to infect the President of the United States. They wouldn’t want me to do that!”

“Stop it. There is nothing wrong with you and you know it. This is traditional, every candidate has done this. Just put on a bright face and shake hands like a man and congratulate him for winning. Eat a little of the soup and comment him on how nice the Christmas decorations look. Just be a man!”

“Please, can’t you come with me? I just can’t stand the idea of having to sit there and make small talk. He’s not a job creator like me. He can’t understand real Americans like us. He’ll say something nasty, I just know it, all wrapped up in a smile and a pat on the back, but he will get his digs in. I’m not some John McCain. I was a titan of capitalism, a major success. How could this have happened?”

“Will you stop whining? Get up and get dressed. Tagg is going to drive you.”

“Can we go to Disneyland again? I really liked it.”

“Yes Mitt, take another bunch of the grandkids if you want. They like to ride the car elevator at house. Just please get up!”

“Okay Annie, for you. And for the love of God, don’t send that maggot Christie a card this Christmas. I hate New Jersey!”

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Okay, so a woman at the pool recommended this book, so I ordered it and read it, and it’s called The China Study. And I believe it, really I do. It basically says that the science is pretty darn clear that eating only plants and fruits is great for you, and eating any meat of any kind and any dairy is just awful. And there is no way in God’s green earth that I can give up all meat forever and all dairy. Even if I could live another ten years beyond however long I’m gonna live, I don’t think I could do that.

I mean, if it were best for us to eat only plants and fruits, why are we able to digest meat and dairy at all? I mean really? I know some folks are intolerant of some dairy. I don’t do so well on milk, so I get the lactose free stuff. But no other dairy products really bugs me and I think the milk thing is more about what I thought was wrong with me, but which turned out to be something to do with our well water in Iowa. Which sounds crazy I know, but all my symptoms disappeared within two days of leaving Iowa.

So, I’m conflicted, since I’m aging and well you start to think about the BALANCE of your life, which is why I walk an hour in the desert every day when everyone I know who knows me, knows I don’t like walking. I find it freakin’ boring. But I do it, like I go to the pool three days a week. Women at the pool come up to me and say, “gee, you are so dedicated. You never mess around. You don’t gab, and just stand around chatting. You work out every minute you’re here. I commend you.” Blah blah. Well, I like swimming to a point, but I do it, cause I don’t want to be unable to walk and bend and so forth and so on in ten years.

And of course there are studies which suggest that we are only who we are because we ate meat.

And I know that sometimes studies are paid for by those who have a stake in the outcome.

And so I’m conflicted.

I figure we ate meat when we could get our hands on it, and we gorged on it. The rest of the time we ate wild grains and vegetables and bird eggs and fish and shellfish if we could get it. And fruit was a luxury which we enjoyed to the fullest when we found it. And honey was much prized. That’s how I figure it.

Dairy came a good deal later when we domesticated cattle. But damn, cheese is great stuff. It is the best of stuff. A great cheese is better than dessert.

It all makes me dizzy.

So I’m trying to eat mostly food that is whole and cooked by me, without additives. But of course meat is full of crap. I know that. What to do?

Explain your eating theories please.

That is your assignment. Due date is tomorrow.

You will be graded.

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