06 | October | 2012 | Existential Ennui

Tags

/S, Humor, Missour, parody, States of the Union, tates on Parade

Yes, it’s time to talk about a state. This one has been put off far too long, but in actuality, who would have supposed that anybody would NOMINATE a Todd Akin, all around woman protector and expert on lady parts? But I get ahead of myself.

Show ME! the state screams. I’m not sure if that is a sexual invitation or a lament that citizens there aren’t very analytical. Either way, it tends to make you talk slower to be understood when engaged with a Missourian.

My only experience with the state personally is clipping the northwest section on the way to Kansas. I must say, they must get kickbacks from the billboard sign people, since the state seems plastered with those hideous hiders of the natural fauna. But then again, there might be much to cover up; it’s impossible to say.

Missouri used to belong to the French, and that alone should make one suspicious. Everyone knows the French can’t be trusted except when it comes to wine, and I saw little evidence that the population of Missouri knows its Merlot from its Cabernet, let alone something highly volatile, such as a Beaujolais.

Missouri is one of those “middle” states, having little identity and was the starting point for those heading West. One can surmise that the present population are mostly descendents of those who were too pooped to go on West by the time they got there from the East. Or they were too cowardly to face any more riding in those miserable “prairie schooners.”

It borders eight states, which has got to be a record I guess. Nobody wanted, it seems to share much of a border with it. There are those who considered it a “southern” state, showing that these folks are a bit directionally deficient as well.

If you are looking for good weather, go elsewhere. The winters are cold, the summers hot and humid. Expect extremes. Tornadoes are common as well as thunderstorms. Paradise it ain’t. In fact, Adam originally took a quick fly by and told God that he would rather be on a wholly different continent rather than settle there. Which was really good since Joseph Smith wouldn’t have had such a major revelation, and Mormonism probably wouldn’t have been invented and we wouldn’t have Mitt Romney to kick around.

As with all the US, Missouri is named for the indigenous Native Americans who lived there first. They liked it well enough, but the height of their civilization had waned before the Europeans “discovered” it. The major city of St. Louis was founded by folks from New Orleans and soon thereafter, it was a major fur-trading center.

The residents compromised themselves into being a slave state, of which no one can be proud in 1821. The population was not very large frankly, mostly due to darn earthquakes that kept going off, and people took off for solid ground. Bits and pieces were added to the state by groups holding garage sales, pushing off their old used up land to the unsuspecting Missourians. Then the Mormons got interested and started moving in, which really brought down the neighborhood, and that stated a war, and well, you can imagine. Iowa went to war with Missouri also over some “honey” land, but you got me how they kept the bees hemmed in.

Catholics started moving in, and you know they always cause trouble. They were not in favor of the slave thing, but Missouri didn’t go with the South in the Civil War, although it became so confusing that it was really hard to tell with both sides claiming that the silly Missourians were on their side.

Today, it’s a really white state, though not as white as some.

If there is anything to visit there, I sure haven’t heard of it.

It’s schizophrenic enough to name a very large city after another state, which probably reflects some kind of penis envy of Kansas, I guess. See Freud for further details on that.

There is plenty of bus service across the state, and it is tailor-made for sleeping, and waking up when you reach some place else. But I must say, it’s smack dab in the middle of a lot of fairly boring states, so you might want to stay up for about three days before taking a bus trip say out west so you can sleep at least until you reach Colorado.

It boasts one former President, Harry S. Truman, and you can’t get more boring that that.

Missouri is a leading producer of alcohol, which probably explains a lot. Mostly people drink to forget they are in such a state. Not only do they produce alcohol and tobacco, but they don’t regulate it, and you can’t fire anybody or refuse to hire them because of their unhealthy use of either. Needless to say, they rejected prohibition, mostly because everybody was too drunk to remember what day the vote was to be held.

You cannot legally become a dry county, and parents can serve alcohol to their kids. Open container imbibing is perfectly acceptable too. I mean these people are drunkards. St. Louis holds the dubious distinction of being the “best place for smokers” in America. Ain’t that grand? Parents are again free to give their wee ones all the tobacco they wish.

It has a capital, but frankly I forgot its name.

Homeschooling is allowed and not regulated one bit, so those drunkards think that they have ejukated their kids, and nobody seems to be able to tell the difference anyway.

It has several universities and colleges, all full of students who received rejection letters from the schools they wanted to attend. As you might expect, drinking is popular on all campuses.

All in all, the roads are decent. Use them and keep on moving to some place that is interesting. This ain’t it.