When You are 62 and Moving. . . .

Tags

Humor, Iowa, life in the meadown

Well it’s at something like 5 days and counting. It’s getting creepy really. You do stuff and find yourself staring off, and then you have no idea why you are standing there, what you were intent upon doing.

I’ve packed up more than a dozen times. I should have this crap down by now.

It occurred to me that age has changed things. I urge you to pay attention.

Here are the new rules:

• When packing anything of any importance, make sure you tell your significant other where you are putting it. This is by far the most significant rule. You will forget where you put it. You will remember it’s “somewhere” which is a pretty illusive and useless truth. Exactly where will elude you. So do tell, or write it down. So far I have forgotten where I put the Dodge registration, the Toshiba instruction booklet, the Direct TV bill–and that’s just today.
• Write everything down. Even your name. By the end of the day you will have forgotten even that.
• Plan on only getting 2 hours of effective packing done per day. The rest will spend in wandering from room to room, looking for anything that is shaped 3″ x 5″ x 6″ that will fit in that little spot left in the box.
• Give up on labeling the outside of any box with anything remotely explaining what is inside. Two ancient pistols that my dad had that I have carried from state to state, now are in a box labeled bathroom. Go figure.
• Check off items on your to-do list as they are completed. By minus-2 days, you will start doing them all over again. The electric company gets mighty cranky when you call again. They accused me of playing a prank and threatened to track me to the gates of hell to collect the 31¢ owing from our last bill.
• When people ask you why you’re moving, don’t tell them the truth. People born in a state who have lived there all their lives take it rather badly when you tell them their state sucks, especially its weather, and that its inhabitants are pedestrian, ill-educated, crazy evangelical know-nothings. They tend not to want to complete whatever transaction you were engaged with them in. Tell then you are being forced to relocate to care for a sick aunt in an awful state. No need to rub it in that you are escaping.
• Do make a note of every phone number in the old state if they are obligated to do something. They won’t, and you won’t find their names or phone numbers listed in the phone book in the new state. This will make you very angry.
• Any cord that has anything on the end of it, save. It goes to something. When you die, people will buy your cords at auction and it will become their cord problem. Cords do this on purpose. Trust me.
• Live dangerously. Throw out all bills that are dated before the century. Also all receipts. Feel free to discard user manuals for anything you are not taking with you, like the old fridge. It can figure out how to run itself.
• Save all yarn, pieces of cloth, and interesting looking pieces of wood. From these are born centerpieces and door decorations. And for God’s sake, save pinecones and stones. Geologists need to find stones from Iowa in New Mexico to have something new to do. New theories are born of such anomalies.
• Oh and when you move into your new house, let your husband go out to the mailbox in a dress and heels just once. Trust me, the neighbors will leave you alone, and you can decide which of them is worth getting to know on YOUR terms.

Okay, back to the salt mines. I’ve had my therapy break. We are gettin’ there. We are still speaking to one another. That is about all one can expect.

Party on!