For your undying attention to all the melodious nuggets of wisdom that I dispense from here upon the hill.
Not a one of you learned a thing this week, if I am to believe my Inbox, which was EMPTY of any factoids of illuminating dimension. I am crushed, nay I am re-affirmed in my certitude that the vast wasteland of AmeriKA is bereft of content.
But I shall soldier on, alone, in my journey, my goal to enlighten the world. Me, me alone, trudging the hillsides, the waysides, the behindsides of the globe, to bring you those bits of flotsam that will make YOU the talk of the town, if not the sewing circle near you.
So this is what I have learned this week:
First of all, I learned that Bible belt evangelical women lose their virginity earlier than any group of women in the country. And they don’t usually marry the dude who plucked their lily of the valley either.
I also learned that divorces are highest among evangelicals of any other group of married folks, and it is lowest among self-defined atheists.
Which all means, that when the Bible-thumpin’, brimstone spoutin’ preacher man rails at the Sodom-ness of AmeriKA, he knows of what he speaks. He speaks of his own flock. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.
So send in your pledge to help cement another awful marriage together, until death do them part, or one goes to jail for severing the bonds of eternal matrimony by means that are usually messy and smell after a few days.
I learned that the Contrarian is one devilish dude. Seriously, I really kind of knew that.
Anyhow, he was waxing on, that as he was aging, it was incumbent upon him to learn to pace himself.
If he gets much better at it, I’ll need time-lapse photography in order to make sure he has moved since he got up this morning.
I learned that delusion makes for good poetry. Or at least it does in our household.
The Contrarian is under the illusion that somehow pudding is a prescribed drug. When I reminded him, as he scoured the grocery shelves for more boxes to carry home, that he had some home already, he reminded me of the dangers of running out:
“oh to be puddingless, in a cold and uncaring world.”
And he said this IN A PUBLIC PLACE!
I learned that William Faulkner could give Marcel Proust a run for his money on writing long sentences. While an extraordinary writer, you definitely have to be in the “mood” to read him, or rather you must take a deep breath for the paragraph-long running sentence.
I learned that race car spelled backwards is race car. And I learned that if you take the first letter of eat and place it at the end, you have the past tense, but mostly I learned this:
And if you rearrange the letters in “Tea Party Republicans,” and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Shut the fuck up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent hypocrites, and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and that our president is black, so get over it.”
That from Under the LobsterScope
I learned that last week, my blog was visited by somebody from Qatar, and somebody from Bahrain. Hello! I am utterly shocked by how many people visit me from so many countries like Peru and the Latvia. Do they think I am representative of AmeriKA? Lord, taking that thought to its logical extension is frightening.
I learned. . . .again. . . .that things I think of so brilliantly in the middle of the night, are gone like ghosts the next morning. I figure my IQ is a good 40 points higher in the middle of the night. What I do recall, is that common phrases like “the grass is greener on the other side” are almost never literally true, which begs the question of why they came to be.
I learned that I’m really a good prognosticator when I’m right.
I learned that I be really pissy when nobody helps me write this post, so if you don’t want to see a hissy fit, I’d suggest, you flood my inbox with what you learned next week.