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It was bound to be a slow night.

It was more or less a perfect storm.

Primaries in both Mississippi and Alabama. You knew it was gonna be a long night.

They have to import counters for the vote. There are not enough residents of either state that can count past ten. And even less when you add up all the toe/finger impaired individuals in the state. Both states have more than their share of “accidental amputations” of digits.

At one point the vote count in Alabama stood at 37 to 8 to 3 to 1. They were releasing the results as the guy called out from his table “Got 7 here boss!”

The relative IQ threatened to bottom out in Mississippi when it was learned that a goodly portion had left the state to attend the NCAA tournament in Dayton, Ohio. That begat this exchange:

“Babe, who you rooting for in the first game?”

“Who’s playin’ again?”

“Mississippi Valley State and Western Kentucky.”

“Lord, let’s see if either or both of them finds their way to the arena first. It may be a default.”

As it were, one team squandered a large lead and I think one of them won. I think it was Miss, not to be confused with  Old Miss, which is somebody’s maiden aunt. But then again, Western Kentucky might have upset at the end.

Anyway, the fun of the night went to Iona, pronounced as in “I own a chevy” minus the chevy.

Well, having never heard of Iona, I sent the Contrarian to the computer to find out where the blazes they were from.

That would be New Rochelle, as in where Rob and Laura live. (If you don’t get that reference, well screw you.)

So, there is a college of some sort located in New Rochelle and they call themselves the “Gaels” which I assumed was a typo, or rather the girl who had the L sat down next to the S instead of between the A and E. (In the stands where they spelt it out”) I mean, given the New Rochelle thing, they were eligible to be as dumb as the Kentuckian/Mississippian Valleyans no?

So digging a bit farther we found the following. (Shove aside some brain space, this gets slightly complicated). Iona is an island off the coast of Scotland. That would be over in the vicinity of England, who is visiting our President, in the guise of Mr. Cameron, which has nothing to do with this story.

Anyway, long ago, in another century, a band of hardy Ionians, not to be confused with anything Greek, sailed the mighty Atlantic, and after visiting around and about, headed home. They landed upon the shore, and were shocked and dismayed to find all their villages (of which there were two) gone, clean disappeared.

After wandering around for several months, they were even more amazed to discover that they could not find the shores of their island. After much scratching of heads, it was determined that the island had probably grown in size due to a volcano, which has probably swallowed up the two villages and all their loved ones at the same time.

One day, while gathering firewood, an Ionian ran into a stranger with feathers in his hair and a bow across his back. Through various signs and wonders, the Ionian learned many amazing things. He returned to his brethren and explained that they were in a place called “Mother’s forest” and were not on the Isle of Iona at all. 

The feathered dude brought more friends, some of whom wore tricornered hats, who explained that this place was actually called “New Rochelle” after Old Rochelle, a cousin to Old Miss who also was a spinster.

Well, you could have knocked the Ionians over with a feather (not one attached to the feathered dude since that would have been rude). They had completely missed their island entirely, and were in the NEW HEMISPHERE OF NORTH AMERICA.

Whereupon the Ionians resolved to start a college, the first order of business was to teach, and hopefully learn NAVIGATION.

 To this day, the students of Iona College can get a BA in Navigation and other sailing necessities, such as rope tying, sail billowing, and swabbing decks, which is de rigueur (love that frenchie stuff) aboard all ships.

Alas the Ionian Gaels which is Gaelic for Irish losers, squandered a 25-point lead to lose to the Brigham Young team which is a school started by a dude who led a bunch of guys looking for some golden tablets and a way to marry many women at one time.

It’s all a mess in Dayton, which is not to be confused with Daytona which is where the Mississippi Valleyans all bought tickets to before an alert member of the media, explained that their game was in Ohio and not Florida. Which was all very confusing.

Not as confusing as the state of Arizona is getting I might say in passing. There, a Republican woman has successfully pushed through a bill through committee in their state house, that would allow an employer to fire an employee for USING contraception for family planning rather than for acne. Should said behavior be against said employer’s sensibilities. After all, said Debbie Lesko, Republican from the lost land of Glendale,

“I believe we live in America. We don’t live in the Soviet Union,” Lesko said. “So, government should not be telling the organizations or mom and pop employers to do something against their moral beliefs.”

So there! And you think I was hard on Mississippi!