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Yes, Virginia, two enormous, morally bankrupt fat white men can exist together at the same time.

Oh, that was unkind, but the devil works in masterful ways, his laughter to exude.

You, along with most all mankind has waited for literally weeks for the utterly fair, balanced, and highly professional investigation of Sheriff Joe to conclude. You know the one I mean. His investigation of the validity of the claimed birth certificate of our President, Barack Obama.

Sheriff Joe, mindful of how distracting it’s been for the President to have to be bothered by all the gnats of negativity throughout the US who have been challenging his right to be in the White House, by being, well something other than shall we say, white, took on the burden to solve the mystery of his birthing.

Arizona’s finest (Lord that makes one shiver), went about his task with as I said, all the aforementioned fairness, balance, blah, blah, blah, confident and assured that he could set the Kenyan Hawaiian’s heart at ease.

And as promised, yesterday, he produced the results of his exhaustive and, did I say, very professional, oh and scientific InFestata-gation of the afore-named individual.

And the results are:

*Drum roll, trumpets, and all the other announcement crap we expect*


Oh no, you exclaim? How can this be?

Well, it seems that it has something to do with Kenyan fonts. At least that’s what it sounded like. Fonts used by Kenya and not anywhere else.

Anyway, being somewhat confused, I called the druggist at the Walgreen, and he explained it to me.

You see, it’s got to do with a pin stuck in the corner of that certificate.

Now follow closely.

The head of the pin, which forthwith shall be called “pin-head” which shall not be confused with “PINHEAD ARPAIO” under any circumstances–okay the pin head was traced to a house in Kenya.

A search of that house, after the residents had been shooed out, uncovered a rare Kenya antelope, or what was left of it, on the wall of the premises. On said taxidermical specimen, I have it on good authority, was found a piece of missing antelope horn or antler as the case may be, myself not being sure which is the correct term here.

Anyway, DNA’ally, it was determined that the pin head was of that antelopean animal, that very one in fact. And indeed, with a careful examination, a small chunk of said horn/antler was found missing, the family’s protestations that the piece broke off when their son Benjamin ran his tricycle into the wall and knocked it to the ground, notwithstanding.

Even more condemning, was the locating of a rusting knife, used to both kill the antelope (again the DNA was clear) and cut the umbilical cord of the babe hereafter known as Hussein OhByGodNo Obama. And sure enough, a full search of the attic produced a piece of dirty cloth, tied with some twine.

Inside that was found the very umbilical cord itself!

It was accompanied by a letter, which said and I am not making this up.

To all those to whom it may concern, now or then, or especially in 2012:

The babe to which this life-line was once attached to, is a Kenyan by birth should he ever try to run for President of the United States of America.

Any so-called birth certificate issued by the state of Hawaii is a fraud, and was inserted in the files by Steve McGarrett of Hawaii-50 in return for good reviews by TV Guide, a wholly owned subsidiary of the shell corporation known as O-I-WON Obama Enterprises.

Signed, Orly Tates, duly sworn inmate of Bellevue Hospital.

With that, I guess the evidence is clear.

The Obama’s are moving out tomorrow. Newt has been informed that he has been appointed defacto 3rd douche in charge.

And Sheriff Joe? That’s him riding off into the sunset with a HI-HO SILVER!