04 | January | 2012 | Existential Ennui

Tags

Buddy Roemer, Election 2012, GOP, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, what's up? Iowa caucuses

We didn’t want to start a panic, but in the early hours of this morning, I mean just after midnight, citizens of Iowa were alerted to a grave danger. Dozens of UFOs were spotted over various parts of the state.

Now, we know that corn and hogs are highly important to the national economy, but upon checking, this phenomenon appeared to be local to our state.

As fighter jets scrambled to intercept, a strange thing was noticed. There appeared to be a pattern being established. Soon, it was all too apparent–the ships were joining up and heading in a northeasterly direction. Within minutes they had cleared Iowa air space and were no longer a threat.

We note that similar reports are now coming in from the state of New Hampshire, where, at least a few of the ships seem to be settling and preparing to land. We send our heart-felt condolences to New Hampshirites. Nothing good can come from this we opine.

♦

Well, we went and did it didn’t we? I mean how crazy is that? Mittens wins by eight big votes, and old prudish frothy mix is second, though everyone considers that he really won. Meanwhile the crotchety old man who just wants to sit on his porch and shoot bb’s at kids came in third. Newt came in a distant fourth, and Perry is heading home to Texas to “reassess”. Michele? Oh gosh the poor Mrs. Thatcher in drag, her lipstick smeared, and her mascara running in puddles around her cheeks, is preparing to throw in her high heels and declare it a day.

And we the fair citizens of I O WAY, are breathing free once more. Gone are all the candidates with their lying rhetoric and their sycophantic nodders. Gone are the pundits who spent hours saying the same basic thought 432 times, in 237 different ways. Gone are the trucks of cable and equipment, the cameras and microphones. Alas, not gone is Steve King, who gutless wonder that he is, remains, still claiming relevance in the state somehow. King you may have noticed didn’t have the guts of his convictions enough to even endorse his long-time Tea-Pal Michele, nor his other family-value bud, Ricky S. King is after all, out for King, and one must not step on the toes of a potential employer, i.e. candidate who might hand me a bigger job.

A pox on all their houses.

♦

Did you know that if there is a sexual misbehavior scandal, odds are that 2 out of 3 times, it will involve a Republican? I read that yesterday. Family values just leave a person with so much pent-up energy I guess.

♦

Buddy Roemer was running in the caucuses too. He is a rather likeable kinda guy. He was tweeting with a good sense of humor about his relative lack of “votes”. He was tweeted back something like this: “Hey Buddy, we are having a drinking party, and taking a shot with every vote you get. We are all still sober.” He got 31 votes. On the other hand, Jon Huntsman got 745, which proves that there are at least than many sane Republicans in Iowa. We’re most proud of that little factoid. Can you say as much?

♦

Meanwhile, Newty is pulling off the gloves. No more Mr. Nice Guy for him. Was there ever a Mr. Nice Guy Newt? He’s hoping to partner up with Ricky S. and stand around saying nasty things about Mittens. Newty is fun, and he doesn’t even try to be. Old tired boring and all-around mean old fart, John S. McCain is all set to endorse Mittens. *Yawn* Yeah, I know, who cares?

♦

These are the gems I live for. If you hadn’t heard, Mitt likes to quote from “America the Beautiful.” He sees it as somehow reflecting his vision of America. Trouble is the writer of that lovely hymn was an ardent feminist and lesbian who was railing against the Gilded Age. And she changed the third verse to what you know from the original:

America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The banner of the free!

Bet Mittens has no clue that he’s parodying himself.

♦

And because I really do love ya all bunches, please be advised that the wonderful humor of Margaret and Helen has returned with a post today. Don’t miss Helen’s take on the political landscape.

♦

See, this Santorum thing is not a bad thing. I know some think it is, but heck, we’ve just been ignoring him since he was utterly irrelevant. But he’s full of fun surprises when you check around a bit. This is like my first best quote he has uttered:

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country,” the former Pennsylvania senator explained. “It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

“Do things” I like that. Ricky can’t bring himself to name these things, which he must really have to steel himself to “do.” This dude is seriously repressed. If you would like a list of some of his most fun quotes, go here.

Dear Lord, I do thank you for Republicans. They never stop giving material. It’s almost too much God, almost.