With the perky pointy boobs?
In high heels?
She is not real. Much as you male types wish to believe otherwise, she is NOT. She is a fictional Madison Avenue creation. She is nothing but a flamboyant mental derangement with the two-fold purpose of trying to convince women that if that have that lovely stove, they too can sail through holiday cooking with nary a hair out of place, all the while providing MEN the excuse they need to sit on the couch and play tag with the remote.
There! I said it. Much as you may wish to believe otherwise, MOSTLY women drive the holiday food fare. MOSTLY women slave away in an often cramped, steamy, environ trying to juggle the creation of seventeen different food items and turn them all out in perfection on the dot of 3 p.m. when a hungry mob of family descends upon an equally perfect table (with cloth, best china, silverware, and appropriate festive decorations) to drip, drop, spill, gobble, their way through your lovely dishes of bliss.
And then, they have the audacity, the sheer chutzpah, to belch, get up and wander back to their couches leaving a train wreck on the table, a mound of dishes, pots and pans in the kitchen, and nary an offering hand to clean it all up.
That’s what most women face this two-day marathon.
And yes I did say two days. More like five. When you add in the menu divining, the list making, the shopping through multiple stores, the planning, and the execution of breads, pies, birds, sides, relishes, and more, it’s a non-stop mental gymnastics that makes sleep nearly impossible.
Yesterday I made ciabatta bread, and holiday bread. Today, I spend FOUR (did you hear me?) FOUR hours creating pie crust and pie and salad and most of the dressing and giblets, and sweet potatoes, to say nothing of drowning the bird and draining it and putting it in to dry, and re-organizing the refrigerator forty-two times to accommodate all the extra food. And who in the hell ever thought it was a good idea to have pearl onions?
I am frazzled. I look more like this:
I have washed every dish in my kitchen four times now.
I have wrinkles in my wrinkles from dishwater hands.
I have burns under my burns. (It’s a hoot to try to upside down a boiling hot apple pie to uncover the pecan now hardening into candy brown sugar top)
I have screamed at the dog thirty-seven times to “get out of my kitchen.”
The cats are hiding under the bed.
I am done.
I think God made pearl onions as a joke.
I spent hours peeling off papery skin.
Tomorrow I get to do the bird.
That’s always fun.
Mostly I have to “finish off” recipes I started today. You know, add the topping to the sweet potatoes, and mix up the dressing ingredients.
We’re making a lot of new stuff this time. So it’s a bit of a crap shoot.
The Contrarian was ordered to “make dinner”. Making dinner = making gruel which usually includes some combination of meat, tomatoes, pasta, and shaking seasonings around it.
Did I say, that I am done?
Until the cock crows and I leap from my bed to attack the final assembly of “THE MEAL”.
And did I mention that once we sit down, it takes on average 20 minutes to consume?
And I still have to pick off all that meat from the neck. That is such a pain in the ass.
Let’s hear it for giblet gravy!
Have a happy Thanksgiving!
Cathy Relihan said:
This is awesome…and so accurate! Thank you for this excellent play by play. I truly enjoy your posts…I read them daily! Happy Thanksgiving…if that is in the cards!
It’s pretty much my day. But I am relaxing now and hope to get a good nights sleep before the final push….lol…for some reason it’s all worth it, though darned if I can figure out why. best to you tomorrow and glad you enjoy my insanity!
Snoring Dog Studio said:
I got so damn hungry reading this! You must be one fantastic chef. I can tell. I very much remember one Thanksgiving dinner after many of them at my in-laws – for years I endured the menfolk sitting on their fat asses while the women cooked and then cleared and did the dishes. Once in a while, one of the guys would make one item – like the gravy. Wow. But none of them would get up and do the dishes. So, that one Thanksgiving, right after the prayer, I stood up and announced that it was the guys’ turns to do all the cleanup. I told my mother-in-law not to do a thing to help. They were, of course, all very shocked. I’m glad that marriage is over. Really.
Great story SDS. My dad made dressing. That was his only contribution, but not an insignificant one. He made it the night before as I recall. He lifted no finger on Thanksgiving, and my uncle surely did nothing. It was a woman “thing” to clean up after the meal. All the women and girls were expected to help. And then set up the later evening “snack” of sandwiches and salads. As to cooking? I’m not a creative cook, but a good journeyman at the trade. I can follow a recipe and have some idea of what can be substituted. I find it a learning curve and for some reason I do feel accomplished by doing it. Have a great great day.
Snoring Dog Studio said:
Oh, yeah – Happy Thanksgiving, Sherry and Contrarian!
Back atcha SDS!
It is pure craziness and I don’t even have to worry about the turkey. Have a happy give thanks day Sherry.
You as well Libs! This is my favorite holiday for sure.!
You can do all that AND know more about politics than all the belching guys at the table put together! That’s MY definition of a smart woman!
LOL…well, that’s an impressive compliment! thank you. Best of the holidays to you NQO!
Our son is here from Chicago but our daighter wont arrive until Saturday. Sp we will have a relatively traditional Thankagiving meal pn Sunday night….tomorrow we will deive orth to cut down a Christmas tree, return home to watch the Lions/Packers game, and have shrimp cocktail, grilled ateak nd twice baked potatoes for dinner….but, seriously, I hear you pn the hard work of women for this day….
Oh sounds like a lovely time Terri. My husband is already “preparing” for the lions/packers game, though I suspect we are rooting for different teams. I’m such a old hand at being disappointed by the hapless lions, that I have a very hard time expecting anything other than another disappointment. I’m on track at least with the dinner. Having a lovely break before the bird goes in.
I miss all those perky pointed boobs of the 50’s too. but then again , I always like that natural look anyway. My wife is frazzeled too, and any minute now, she’s gonna chase my ass out of the computer room and make me clean up the house. Happy Thanksgiving to the two of you
And the very same to you and yours Hansi. Hubby is already locked into “pregame”. And I’m on a break, having most of the insanity under control for the moment.
my mother had a rule on thanksgiving…. get the hell outa my kitchen… unless I need something…then you JUMP…. My Dad had a rule…. Mom don’t do no dishes…and no football till the dishes are done. It seemed to work out. Later in Life I was allowed to make stuffing….I still do a great job.
GO Packers!!! Hope Contrarian liked the game… without too much grumbling..
Fine Rules Jimmy. And I have to admit, the Contrarian did the dishes and cleaned up beautifully. Can’t wait for left-overs today. We enjoyed the game and he wanted me to tell you, that he is the first to say “THREE PEAT” . I reminded him about counting chickens. lol Hope you had a great day.