02 | November | 2011 | Existential Ennui

Tags

Election 2012, GOP, Humor

The RNC announced today that they have sent out e-mails to all their followers, including the ones who can read, begging for brain matter.

Recent MRIs done on the current GOP field suggests that the candidates are losing brain cells at an alarming rate, and if the trend continues, all candidates will be in wheelchairs, with drool cups attached to their chins no later than January 2, 2012.

Party officials are unsure what started the mass exodus of grey matter, but Republican members of Congress also report that a significant number of their members now write proposed legislation in crayon, and spell-check keys on GOP laptops are burning up from over use.

So far, limited testing of Democrats haven’t turned up any similar maladies among their members. Doctors contacted at the CDC are furiously working day and night trying to find both the cause and the cure. So far, physicians have been unable to pinpoint any virus that would strike only a segment of the population based on party affiliation.

Michele Bachmann issued a statement claiming that the Iranians were to blame, and that she is sure that they released the virus in an atomic weapon that they have yet to admit they have. The fallout, Ms. Bachmann claims, is in the form of confetti and was first noticed by her and main squeeze, Marcus suspiciously falling in a stadium in St. Louis last week following a baseball game.

Scientists were inclined to dismiss Ms Bachmann’s claims, when she then asked if anybody had the new hairdresser Barbie kit yet?

Other candidates have weighed in, all the while wrapping their heads in tinfoil to protect what’s left of their senses.

Ricky Santorum advised reporters that he thinks it’s all a good thing. But then, Ricky now thinks that he’s leading the Republican field and is spouting to whomever will listen, that he’s never spent a more boring four months than those he spent in Iowa. “Boy, do you realize that all those people do is grow corn and raise pigs? How many of those fool animals do you have to kiss to get a vote?”

Newt on the other hand is busy writing a new book. “How Me and Callista Love Your Money–Send More!” Callista was unavailable for comment, since the pictures in the new book were of another woman, and Newt has been strangely cold and withdrawn in recent months. Gingrich’s press secretary got all huffy when it was suggested that another divorce might not sit well with the electorate. “Our followers are very forgiving. Everyone understands the intense pressure that running for something all the time causes one. Newt can’t be expected to work at a marriage when he’s campaigning so hard. He’s found a nice new woman who understands his pain.”

The other Ricky, the one from Texas, just sits in a puddle of poo and giggles uncontrollably. Staff members are busy looking for jobs at Wal-Mart or Mickey D’s. A few of the CEOs who have given Perry millions in the assurance that he would offer them all the money in the White House safe, were seen dabbing their eyes as they pulled away from “N*****head” in their limos. Ricky, seemed not to notice as he made mud pies and threatened a tantrum if he didn’t get ice-cream, black walnut I think.

Meanwhile Hermie Cain grabbed a microphone and announced that his Black Man mojo prevented him from losing his marbles. He then went on to say that those sexy-harassment claimers were cute as buttons and he was only checkin’ to see if they wore girdles. They weren’t.

In an attempt to prove his foreign policy gravitas, da Man noted of China:

In an interview Monday, Cain said part of China’s threat to the United States stems from its attempts to develop nuclear weapons — even though China tested its first nuclear weaponin 1964.

“Yes, they’re a military threat,” Cain said on the PBS NewsHour, in response to a question from Judy Woodruff. “They’ve indicated that they’re trying to develop nuclear capability and they want to develop more aircraft carriers like we have. So yes, we have to consider them a military threat.”

Upon hearing this, doctors at the CDC raced back into the lab, sure now that the virus somehow causes its victims to regress to the 1960’s in terms of their global knowledge. “This is much worse than we thought,” one doctor said worriedly. “My God, we can’t let someone so afflicted anywhere near the nuclear codes!”

Mitt Romney was reported to have seen the interview and burst out in laughter. “Is that my position? No really, what is my position? Is there a poll on it? How ’bout a focus group? Doctors are so far stupefied as to why Romney so far exhibits no symptoms of the brain-draining-eating disease.

The CDC has requested Romney to report immediately to Atlanta so he can be studied in-depth in hopes of finding some anomalous genetic marker that would explain his immunity. Romney spokesman says that the GOP leader is considering the request. Insiders are conflicted, since they don’t have a poll yet on what the electorate might think. After all, many think that the GOP electorate would be skeptical of any candidate on their side having a brain. Romneys advisors are quite nervous about their candidate appearing not patriotic or worse yet, elitist.

All countries throughout the world have suspended flights into and out of the US effective immediately. The world continues to wait and watch. And Sarah continues to look out her window at Russia.