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Way back in the Paleolithic times, when I took the bar exam, I was stunned to learn one thing: lots of really stupid people managed to pass the bar and become lawyers.

It took me about a half-minute to conclude that if that were true, there were plenty of really stupid doctors out there committing medical malpractice. Same for teachers, mechanics, and no doubt mathematicians.

It stands to reason that contrary to popular assumptions, fairly stupid people can become successful in business. Luck shines on the dolt and the brainiac alike.

So, I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that part of the problem Herm Cain has is that he is frankly a bit dull in the old brain pan. There are other explanations for his adorable “gaffes” that contribute to his propensity to offer up stunningly stupid remarks, but I think the main cause is simple simpletonism.

No doubt Herm, who is quite good at self-promotion, (he had a talk-radio show and writes books about himself) never expected in his wildest of wild imaginations, that he would find himself atop the GOP field–at the moment.

No doubt Herm started all this “run for president” as a means to promote his book and to up his fee as a motivational speaker.

Now Herm finds himself engulfed in a whole series of topics that he has neither thought through, nor knows anything beyond the common phrases that are bounced around in the talking points circuit. His snappy and catchy shucky-jivy statements had worked just fine. They made the media laugh, they were used by the wacko corp to suggest he was “refreshing,” and nobody delved deeper since he stood less of a chance that the proverbial snowball in hell of getting anywhere.

So we get nonsense like his 9-9-9, which many attribute to his having played Sims on the Internet and then telling a hedge-fund accountant to devise a revenue-neutral plan. His “economic plan” was of course shredded by economists and every economic think tank around.

No matter. Herm just claims that all these intellectuals “don’t understand” his plan. “Just go to my website and read it. It’s simple,” he contends. But when even Republicans began to argue that his so-called plan would result in bigger deficits and would punish the poor and middle class while giving a windfall to the rich, well, Herm’s handlers realized that a better answer was needed.

Thus we now have “zones” where the federal 9% income tax won’t apply. Except that you have to nearly sell your first-born to qualify. And then Herm has the temerity to claim that this “sub” plan was there all the time, the bigwig economists were just to lazy to read it.

But of course, that wasn’t true. It was added in the last few days.

Herm’s response to having it pointed out to him that he’s STUPID is to either claim, that we are too stupid to understand him, or that the offending remarks were “a joke.”

Herm was asked mere hours before the Nevada debate about the Israeli-Palestinian prisoner exchange. Wolf Blitzer asked Herm if Al Qaeda, or another terrorist organization were to offer to release a single American soldier in return for all those held at Guantanamo, could he see himself agreeing?

Herm said he “could see himself doing that.”

Herm used to just say that he didn’t know much about foreign policy and leave it at that. He was told that he needed something better. So at the end of every tentative step into foreign policy waters, he always attaches the addendum: “I would of course get all the advice from all my advisers and weigh all the alternatives before making a decision.”  Then he grins. “Ya ain’t gotcha’d the Cain Man!”

When that remark was restated to him by Anderson Cooper at the debates, Herm started to affirm it, until it became quite obvious that “WE DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!”  was echoed by all his fellow wannabes. Then he flipped and repeated that mantra.

“Which is it Herm?” Cooper intoned.

 “Oh that question didn’t involve Al Qaeda. We don’t negotiate with terrorists. He didn’t specify.”

Yeah, he did, Herm.

“Oh, well I must have misunderstood the question, cuz we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Moving on.

Herm, what’s your position on abortion?

“I’m pro-life.”

Any exceptions, like in cases of incest or rape? Life of the mother?

“Those are statistically so small as not to really count. No. No exceptions.”

If it were your granddaughter?

“Comparing apples and oranges.” 

How so?

“Just is. The government has no place in this kind of decision.”

But that’s a pro-choice stance.

“Is not.”

But it is.

“I am pro-life. End of story.”

Now ladies and gentlemen, I ask you. What do you make of such inanities? 

I have actually read people defending this crap. “Why he simply means that he is personally against abortion, but realizes that the law is the law. I have no doubt he will try to change it,” they cry in utter befuddlement.


What you are left with is simply this. Herm and his followers are members of the same society of radically intellectually challenged Americans. So all of it, the 9-9-9, the terrorist negotiations, and the abortion thing, are just simple to understand if you can’t think much deeper than the average six-year-old.

And to that hopefully small minority, Herm is “refreshingly” honest and forthright.

Let us hope that he appears to be exactly what he is to most Americans. Stunningly unqualified (talkin’ Dan Quayle here folks) to be even considered as Presidential material.

**by the by. According to one pollster, the most telling and clear indicator that one is a “Tea Party” follower is how one answers the following question:

Do you believe that the United States government spends too much money on programs for black people?

Those are you peeps Herm. Gotta love that.