While I’m doing the usual shopping, cooking, and now legal writing to shore up a newbie lawyer, my better half (?) is ruminating–about Peccaries.
Yes, I did say Peccaries.
In case you were unaware, and why would you not be, being SANE, peccaries are a South American type of pig. Sorta cute in their own piggish way I guess.
So, anyway, the Contrarian has taken to thinking a good deal about them lately. It’s the way his mind works–or doesn’t work if you get my drift.
“Get me a copy of Leviticus!” he bellowed only last night.
“Whatever for?” I sighed.
“I need to look up the dietary laws regarding clean and unclean animals.”
“Whatever for?” I sighed again.
“Why, isn’t anything ever obvious to you?” he queried with a look of pure superiority.
“Well, this isn’t, so pray do explain,” I retorted with that barest tinge of condensation that I work so hard to hide most of the time.
“You remember I told you about the Peccary right? Well, if they are clean animals, I’ve solved a serious problem and Jews can finally with no guilt at all, eat ham and bacon. If the Peccary is not unclean, why, I’m in business and we are rich beyond our wildest dreams!”
I swear to you, he said that, and he looked as straight-faced as a man who had just been told that he was being audited by the Internal Revenue.
I stared in the usual disbelief. Even after all these years and all these examples of crazy-beyond-the-pale-nuttiness that I have come to regard as “normal” around our house, I still am left jaw-gaping to the ground and eyeballs spinning, when I hear this stuff from what looks to be on the surface a normal American male.
He means it. He truly does.
He then has the audacity to ask me to “look it up” and see what I can find out about these critters. Turns out they have two toes, and are non-ruminating, although they have three stomachs. I’m guessing he’s already out of luck.
“Hey and if you decide to tell your bloggy friends all about my new business, be sure to tell them it’s just in the exploratory stages.” I still need to consult with some rabbinical council who decides this stuff. I mean I’m not committing any money to this venture without checking it out. The one thing I am sure of is that those Leviticus writers had never seen a Peccary. So this is a golden opportunity for them to rule in my favor so they can start enjoying ham sandwiches and BLT’s!”
Tears come to my eyes. I know it has happened again. In a flash I’ve been transported to yet another planet in another universe, and we are now living under Parkersylvanian logic.
I open WORD.TO: God FROM: Sherry RE: My sainthood
Have you been listening God? I know you get busy, but have you been listening?
This is the cross I bear, and most willingly most of the time. He really is a fine fellow, funny and smart, loving and considerate.
But good grief.
My sensibilities and hold on sanity is being tested again.
Please GOD, the halo. Did you forget the halo?
I just want people, strangers and such, who meet me along the way to know why sometimes I’m a bit testy. If they see the halo they will know. I’m up against a big challenge.
You must have my file close at hand. See how many “incidents” I’ve reported? So many it makes my head hurt. I’ve somehow maintained a tenuous hold on my brain. It still operates and it’s only due to sheer force of will.
Please God. Please send it soon.
Your loyal believer, Sherry.
I’ll let you know when it comes. It will probably not fit in the mailbox so I’ll have to run to Walker to pick it up. I’ll be sure to take a picture and post it. Keep coming back to see. 😛
***NOTE: It has become obvious to me, that my sense of humor at my own funny stories is lost on most everyone but me. But I ask your indulgence anyway. It’s my blog and I can write what I want! (*smile*)