The High Council of RePakTron contacted the Secretary General late Monday night, apologizing for the lateness of the hour, but concerned to end the situation that was a deep embarrassment to the beings of RePakTron.
In a communique distributed to all governments, the Supreme Pupon, Derrick, spoke for his people:
Dear People of Earth:
Dear folks of planet Earth, or as we call it, the Land of So-so Evolution. We are sad to confess that one of our juvenile delinquents has found his way to your planet and has been causing some kerfuffle here.
You know him as Sean Hannity, but to us, he is our beloved simpleton, Bruce. You see, Bruce was one of our genetic accidents, harmed in a laboratory accident some years ago.
Now this does happen from time to time, and we take great care to love and protect these miscreants as best we can. We raised Bruce with plenty of love, and a room full of play-do and something similar to what you call “Lincoln logs.” When he got old enough, he was given a big job (among our simpleton population) as junior to the junior assistant to the assistant, twice removed superintendent of janitors of Block 7, housing unit 4 (B). This is high praise indeed.
However, Bruce never could get over the fact that he was a simpleton. He was, you see, too simple. It drove him purely nuts that he was not smart. He started out doing little things to disrupt our fair planet of RePakTron. Things like, spraying the toilet paper with sticky glue. As you can imagine, this was quite unsettling.
We tried our best to understand Bruce’s anger, and to channel it appropriately through various, what you would call coloring books, but to no avail. A dozen psychologists worked round the clock to keep him occupied, but he continued to squander his limited powers on ways to punish us.
You cannot imagine the trouble he caused when he screwed in the out-waste tube to the intake tube and well, showering became impossible in all of Block 7, housing unit 4 (B).
We thought a field trip might do him some good, but that turned into a disaster when he snuck off and located a voice-activated ship and took off.
We’ve been looking for him ever since.
We have traced him across four galaxies and nearly 32 life-supporting planets. We never would have found him here, had it not been for the penile implant that we place in all our genetic accidents. (Used only to monitor that they don’t reproduce inappropriately, we assure you.)
In any case, we began to get a high series of “ping-ping-ping-ping-ping-ping, etc., etc., etc.” and they lasted just long enough for us to get a fix on him.
Once we had him secured, we were able by our mind-review analysis, to determine events that ended in our capture of our little way-faring delinquent.
It seems that Bruce, or Sean as you know him, still being highly resentful of intelligent people, landed at a place called Fox News, or as the Secretary General kindly informed us, Foxy Noise. Sean was what they call a pundit there. Finding, apparently that people called RePUBlicans (we hope we have that right) are nearly as simple as he, well, he naturally joined their cause.
Most of his time, so we learn, has been spent bashing the intelligent people, many of whom are called DeMOcrats. One DeMOcrat in particular, who is (even by our standards) particularly wise, a Barrack Obama I believe you call him, has driven our poor Bruce nearly crazed.
It seems that someone in a country called America wrote a piece about another human, a Rick Perry, and suggested that he might be more along Bruce’s lines–meaning not too smart. Somehow, Bruce, getting all upset and all, decided to make another attack on this smart Obama fellow.
Anyway, that led to a rather lengthy and messy marathon of what you call masturbation on Bruce’s part. That in a nutshell, activated the “pinger” and here we are.
We are most assuredly sorry for any inconvenience this child has caused anyone here in the country of America, sometimes called the US of A. We have done our best to find him, but as you can see, until recently Bruce has not been penile-ly active.
We shall take him home forthwith, and I can assure you that he will be having no television (yes we have it too) for a month and no dessert either!
Sorry for the inconvenience.
We might return in a few more thousands of years, assuming you don’t go kerblooey with the bombs and such.
PS: evolution is a FACT, and damn your planet stinks–clean up the air!
Derrick, Supreme Pupon, High Council, RePakTron.
This has been a public service message. Return to normal life now.
- WATCH: Sean Hannity Rages, Calls Obama Dumb (huffingtonpost.com)