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Nobody escapes. Nobody.

That funny feeling starts the minute you enter the building. Sure, you shove it down, because you have THINGS to do. You have stuff to get. You have a list. You are checking it twice.

Depending on how anal retentive you are, you don’t have to traipse the entire store three times to secure all your needs.

And then you have to go, there. You know. To the, shhhhh, check out.

You approach cautiously. You scan furtively. You spot the opposition, who eye you warily as they too scan the landscape.

You are all in search of the short line. Once spotted, everyone converges with break neck speed. You win! You smile, you grin, you fairly tap dance, sticking it to the losers who slink away to the longer lines.

But wait, here it comes!

The short line is also the dreaded DEAD LINE.

At first you don’t notice. You are still filled with euphoria over your win. You start to plan your strategy, expecting any moment to start unloading your soon to be possessions unto the conveyor belt.

Then you look up, and puzzlement ensues. Why nothing is happening up there. You stare. You try to listen. What is everyone STANDING AROUND DOING NOTHING FOR?

You will eventually discover that one of the following has occurred:

  1. The idiot ahead of you has forgotten their MONEY.
  2. The idiot ahead of you had ONLY 15 items but is buying them for 15 idiot friends and each has to be rung up separately because the 15 “friends” don’t trust each other.
  3. The item has no price tag and the clerk is unwilling to accept the protestations that the 32″ Flat Screen HD TV is on sale for $24.95.
  4. The idiot cannot find a credit card that is acceptable. The bank rejects them all, and the poor fool is reduced to counting out change to pay the bill.
  5. The idiot is dead but is so stupid they don’t fall down so they can be shoved out of the way.
  6. The idiot “forgot” three items at the far corners and middle of the store, and will be “right back.”
  7. The clerk needs to stop to polish her nails, gossip with the clerk at the next register, or take a call from President Obama.

You sigh. You groan. You turn and engage the idiot behind you about the fact that this “always happens to me.” You glance up to see that your original opponents in line racing are almost checked out and are looking at you with varying degrees of “cheaters never win” looks and smarmy self satisfaction that it is you and not them.

You cry, and ask God why.

You then proceed from the store to the bank.

Things are different here. There is a funnel system. You cannot pick the bad line. But trauma awaits you here too.

You try to be patient. And it seems that the line moves along nicely. You’re actually moving every couple of minutes. You count, and figure you will be out in time to pick up the kids before they are taken by the police to child services for neglect. With the lawyers fees and all, you do not want to go THERE.

Suddenly, as nice as slippery jello, you are next in line. And you wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, finally, as you scan back and forth, like you are watching a tennis game, you think you see someone packing up their business.

You are ready to go! And YES, they move away from the clerk. And you start briskly for the window, when it happens! The idiot clerk flings the “WINDOW CLOSED” sign down triumphantly.

Now you slink back to the front of the line, in the glare of God knows how many ugly stares. Somehow that was your fault. Now they all are let down.

Perspiration accumulates along brow and upper lip. You must be FASTER next time. You can feel the hot breath of all those behind folks. They are there to veritably push you to the next opening.

Two hours later, you escape.

You vow, to do this crap online next time.

This is the way life is folks. It is far beyond the realm of statistical chance. It is deliberate. It is something that Jesus and God never tire of laughing about as they watch. “Look at that one! Oh Son, that one is gonna blow a gasket!” “Dad, dad, over here! This dude is turning beet red and jumping up and down!”

So glad we amuse you two. It’s a shitty thing I tell ya.