Rummaging in the Attic

Tags

hobbies, life in the meadow, lifestyle, passion, psychology

That’s quite a trick, since I don’t have one. Attic that is. As in formal upper room amid the rafters, wherein various bits and pieces of nostalgia are stored reminding us of times and peoples past.

But I do have a head, and I can rummage in that endlessly, wherein is stored all of the above, plus a rather eclectic array of other items of interest.

If there is to be a key word in today’s exercise in wordery, eclectic would be the word. It is the word that perhaps best defines me. And, even at my greying age, I can still astound myself with feats of introspection that well, cause me to see myself in a whole new light.

Heady? 

You bet.

Nothing is more fun than to poke around in the old braincase and turn up a new theory of “who the hell are you?”

I’ve often spoken, (typespoke?) about my eclectic nature when it comes to hobbies. I have no hobby, singularly speaking. I have hobbies. The reason is that no single one ever captured my attention for long periods of time. For a few weeks or months perhaps, but then I grew bored.

I came to see eventually, that I liked to do many things, just not exclusively. I became adequate at many things like quilting, sewing, crocheting, knitting, beading, and so forth, but master of none. I came to rather think myself the better for all that.

But in rummaging, I realized something. Eclectic shadows me in most other endeavors. I became a lawyer, but never had a love for law. I was perfectly adequate but there was no passion.

I found a passion for biblical studies and theology, and I still enjoy it, but the passion waned, over time. Like the wave that works it way to shore, it has no choice but to slide back quickly into the sea once there.

I garden, but I only like parts of it. I love cooking, but I have no desire to spend hours working out unique combinations until I find just the right blend of something. I will never create the prize-winning recipe, any more than I will the perfect rose or day lily.

I seem to have made a career out of being slightly above mediocre. A journeywoman I might call it. I can make an acceptable whatever, but not quite to the level of being truly a masterpiece. I don’t have the drive for that.

I am similarly captivated by no decor or style of clothing. I’m not an “American Colonial” or a “French Provincial” kinda person. I blend art deco with a Chinese screen with country distressed.

I am not a Christian Dior or a Ralph Lauren. I don’t die for Gucci or Cargo pants. I don’t care to stand out as fashionista or as freak.

Nothing would be more interesting than to throw all this as a psychologist and ask: who the hell is this person?

I rather suspect that there is a deep-seated, barely acknowledged sense of insecurity some where lurking. To do much well, but nothing spectacularly is the hallmark of one who doesn’t want to draw attention to the possible limits of one’s own abilities.

You can see as much here. Blogging is the platform for those who don’t want to test their writing in the cold creative light of actual publication. That calls for polishing and editing, finding the exact right word, not just a good enough one at the moment. Don’t criticize my writing for heaven’s sake, I’m just trying to get thoughts down on paper that are reasonably coherent so we can converse.

Yes, blogging is perfect for the insecure. A million excuses why that post garnered no comments, why traffic is slow this month, blah blah blah.

Still, when I think hard on it, I’m not displeased with my ordinariness. I like the fact that one day I may be reading Thomas Merton and the next an article on string theory. Tomorrow, who knows, I may be exploring the wonders of basket weaving, all the while toying with the idea of rereading Thucydides and the Peloponnesian Wars.

I don’t have to be an expert at anything. I am safe in my dabbling. I know a little bit about a lot of things. It makes me a renaissance woman! Perhaps a little renaissance woman, but one none the less–even if only in my own mind.

**

Tomorrow: What it takes to have a successful marriage (from a non-expert)

The Seduction of Intellectual Acuity

Tags

Cornell West, fundamentalism, GOP, Humor, intellect, Newt Gingrich, Obama, power, psychology, rapture, religion, Strauss-Kahn

I’ve been following the story about the IMF head, Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his troubles with the law. I have, quite naturally, no opinion about his guilt or innocence.

Yet, the media in exploring the issue, of “why do men of power do such things” always come down with the same basic conclusion: Because they can.

And why do women, at least those who are willing participants in these clandestine affairs engage with these sometimes old, rather homely men?

The answer to that seems to be the seduction of power. It seems that Strauss-Kahn has been a “ladies man” for many a year. His current wife stands by him, and by all reports they are a “team”. She may well be willing to overlook his sexual asides for what she perceives is a greater advantage: the perks of marriage to a wealthy and very powerful man. Nice homes, clothes, jewels, travelling first class, best hotels, hobnobbing with the rich and famous, these seem powerful aphrodisiacs to many a woman. Perhaps to men as well. You’d have to ask them.

This syndrome, if indeed it is one, can travel far down the line, to fairly remote little fiefdoms. It can, and has included men from local courts, mayors, state representatives, and minor junior vice presidents. Anything that enhances one’s lifestyle is at least better than nothing as they say.

I’ve never quite seen the advantage myself. Or should I say, I’m not seduced by power.

No, I am seduced by intellect. Not being much of one myself, I worship at the altar of brain power. Einstein is sexy. And frankly, I find it not at all odd that Stephen Hawkings has been married more than once. It is why I often disagree with their political philosophies, but still set mesmerized when listening to the lyrical prose spewing forth from people like Christopher Hitchens, Gore Vidal, and before that William F. Buckley.

Smart men, especially those with razor wit and acerbic hauntiness ring my bells. I adored Truman Capote with his utter disdain for the common.

These men may be utter bastards in their private lives, but I swoon to the melodic notes of their rhetoric.

Such is me. Diversity is what makes life interesting after all.

♦

Speaking of which, Cornel West is a man I  admire. He’s probably a difficult man in every respect but I love to listen to his talk. He’s got a lot to say about our President, most of it not kind. The Reaction‘s newest contributor, Zandar, has a very thoughtful piece that is worth your time to read. When does criticism devolve into a vehicle to promote oneself?

♦

Speaking of which, the best joke I’ve heard about Strauss-Kahn is:

“Dominique Strauss-Kahn has decided not to run for the French Presidency now, given the charges that have been leveled against him. He has however, filed to run against Italian President Berlusconi”. from Andy Burkowitz

♦

You no doubt have heard that Newt has already screwed the pooch as they say. Went and just cut the legs out from under Ryan’s play to kill Medicare. This just after assuring us on Meet the Press Sunday that he was going to a “disciplined” candidate, no more going off half-cocked as in the past. Seems the Salamander has really really screwed up, with the GOP establishment taking pot shots at him like he’s one of those ducks in a carnival game. Couldn’t happen to a slimier newt as they say.

Which is all ado about nothing, since Newt never had a chance. He’s using other people’s money to run, and when all is said and done, will go back to his numerous “groups” he’s formed that pay all his bills otherwise. They dude is nothing but a parasite, always has been.

And the slithery one also has yet to explain why he owes Tiffany something between $250-500,000 in unpaid bills. Guess his various organizations don’t want to foot that bill.

♦

No doubt you worry about the Rapture about as much as I do.  And yes, I meant all  the time. I mean, I would hate to be caught in the shower. How embarrassing is that! Or with dirty underwear! Or, well, doing that!

Anyway, if you are a student, a professor decided to hand this out to his students. I think similar analogies might be made to one’s boss, parent, etc. Thanks to Exploring Our Matrix for this one.

This is of some importance folks, cuz another one of those “prophets” has declared that I think it’s gonna be before the end of this month. Don’t make plans for June!

♦

What’s on the stove? Arroz Con Pollo.

Truth or Consequences?

Tags

fiction, James Frey, Literature, Non-fiction

Okay, so yesterday’s post was a bit of fluffery. I admit that. But I do have an excuse.

You see, our television, only two years old, blew up. Suddenly, no picture and a thick white puff of smoke floated toward the ceiling. That can really put you off your feed.

Well, yesterday we went a television hunting, and this time for a shiny new flat screen. In anticipation of our move to New Mexico, we knew we weren’t gonna lug those old-fashioned behemoths around any more.

And we got more than we bargained for. Prices have come down considerably, and we have a nice 32″ beauty that had us oohing and ahhing last night. (We shall forget the cussing and gnashing of teeth as the Contrarian went through his usual, “I can do this without any stinkin’ directions” episode, before grabbing the manual and reading what plug goes where.

Anyway, I ran yesterday’s blog up quickly before we left. Truthfully, we do watch Survivor sometimes. We have skipped seasons entirely, and we have quit mid-season a few times, bored with the field of contestants or for some other reason. But truthfully (this becomes important in a minute) Rob Mariano is a favorite of mine and we enjoyed how he manipulated the newbies. A truer Svengali was never met, nor one with a cuter smile.

Anywho, I was back on the computer, doing e-mail stuff. The television in the office was on, as it always is, and Oprah was on, as alas she usually is, given that there is freakin’ nothing else on at that time of the afternoon. Phew. I catch a bit here and there, and mostly don’t watch.

Anywho, again, she had on this dude called James Frey, whose pic is above. He had written a book called “A Million Little Pieces” of which I had never heard. He was back on Oprah after a big kerfuffle about the book. Seems it was written as a memoir and was more fiction than true story. It seems that Ms. Winfrey had named it to her “Book Club” as a selection, the book sales had gone through the roof, when all this untruthiness had come about.

It is not clear who is mostly to blame for all this. Surely Mr. Frey was aware that he was portraying his bout with drugs, alcohol and crime by stretching some facts and making up some more. Were the publishers derelict in “investigating” the truth of his story? Was Ms. Winfrey’s staff similarly derelict in their checking out the book?

Whatever, Oprah had the man back on in part it seems to make some amends for what I am told was a thoroughly excoriating interview she had with Frey after the “hoax” was uncovered.

Part Two is on today, and I suspect I’ll pay a bit more attention, since there is much to contemplate here.

Frey read some folks like Faulkner, and decided that he wanted to write, to move people as he had been moved. With apparently not much of a background to draw from, he spent some years in pretty dire circumstances, while trying to learn to write.

I’m not defending him, nor condemning anyone either. He wrote a book, and a publisher wanted to publish it as a memoir.(Given that I know a few bloggers  who write beautifully but can’t get published, while a complete cypher of a human being named Snooki who is probably not as smart as a rock, can get published, I can understand the allure to Mr. Frey)  It sold lots of copies, and tens of thousands more after Oprah pushed it. She was moved by it and claimed everyone at Harpo was as well. Hundreds of testimonials were written. Addicts galore claimed that the book had been of great help to them.

After it was determined that Frey had inflated or simply made up some of the “facts” all hell broke loose. Oprah, as we have said, publicly whipped him. People sued, claiming “emotional pain and distress”.

It all comes down to this: Is there something intrinsically different in a memoir versus a work of fiction? I mean, is there something so wildly in opposite between an experience of the body and that of the mind? Is one less “real”? Is one less valid?

Frey was all he claimed, a drug addict and an alcoholic and a criminal, albeit a very petty one. Do those who were “helped” suddenly become less “helped” by the revelation that words and scenes were not necessarily actual?  I truly don’t know.

New writers are often advised to “write about what you know.” Certainly, if I am reading about the history of my country’s foundation, I want to know of the writer’s background. A degree in religious education, for instance, is a whole lot less persuasive than a doctorate in American history from Yale might be, especially if you the author are trying to convince me of a wildly new theory of how our country formed.

But, seriously in fiction, writers write about things they don’t know all the time. Colleen McCullough writes about ancient Rome, after writing about the hierarchy of the Roman Catholic Church for instance. So we know that good research can make up for a lot of lack of personal experience.

And no one claims Frey didn’t experience being all the things he wrote about. He embellished them, to be sure, but does that make his conclusions less valid?

Is there a firm line between memoir and fiction? Aren’t we always interpreting actual events through our own lenses? Aren’t we putting them together in our minds with other, recognized and not, “events”. Aren’t our visceral gut feelings responses to conscious and unconscious thoughts and remembrances?

Were those helped less helped? I suspect not.

What are your thoughts? How would you feel if what had been useful to you turned out in the end to be a hoax of sorts? Have you experienced something akin to this?

I confess to being perplexed on this one.

Related articles

• James Frey Back on ‘Oprah,’ Says He Doesn’t Respect Memoir Genre (VIDEO) (tvsquad.com)
• James Frey Describes 2006 Interview with Oprah as ‘Personal Car Crash’ (genzpad.com)
• The Man Who Knew Nothing About Memoir (brevity.wordpress.com)
• James Frey’s Rematch on The Oprah Winfrey Show (thedailybeast.com)

The Fourth Time’s the Charm

Tags

Boston Rob Mariano, Entertainment, Survivor

Well, I can tell you we were glued to the TV last night, as the finals of Survivor began.

My all-time favorite player, Boston Rob Mariano was in the final four, with someone about to return from Redemption Island, bringing them back to five.

Then another challenge, a tribal council and on to the final challenge. The winner would be assured a spot in the final three and a final tribal council would eliminate the extra player.

We have had an on again, off again affair with Survivor. What has never wavered is our enjoyment of  Jeff Probst, the host. But over the years, the game has changed, appearing to “jump the shark” on more than one occasion, and bounced back with new twists and turns.

What had started some ten years ago as a “survival show” seeming to favor the physically fit, had quickly evolved into a game of alliances, blindsides, cheating and lying. It is a game of “out-play, out-wit, out-last.”

Mariano played in his first Survivor in 2002. He didn’t do very well, but was asked back in what became a common thing in the “reality competition” genre–returning players. He met his wife Amber in 2004 game, and together they went to the finals, became engaged and married.

Rob returned once again in a “villains vs heroes”. He was a hero and was booted quickly. Russell Hantz was the villain, and stuck around until the final where he lost once again. Russell, it should be noted, is a thoroughly nasty individual, who belittles all the other players and is the typical Napoleon dictator, threatening and ordering people around.

Rob got in Russell’s face at the finals the villains-heroes and suggested that given another chance he would kick old Russell around the island.

So CBS decided to form two teams around these two. And it was game on.

Russell was gone in a heart beat, his older more mature team mates not the least bit interested in his bullying. Rob found a way to avoid the obvious problem–you’ve had your chance, now it’s our turn.

He was able to be helpful, offering advice and guidance without being either pushy or threatening. He could play the “let me get you to the merger, and then of course get rid of me” card.

He did in fact guide his team to victory after victory after Russell was eliminated on the other side. He recognized a budding romance on his team and convinced his teammates to pick off a likeable Christian kid, Matt,  to protect the group.

When Matt, now set off to Redemption Island, continued to win his challenges against other booted players, the scene was set. Matt returned. But Matt made more fatal mistakes, toying with double-crossing his original team, then telling Rob that he wasn’t going to do it. Matt returned to Redemption Island after just a couple of days.

The merger having occurred, Rob’s team had a numerical advantage and he held his group together while masterminding a methodical picking off of the remnants of the other team. Now his team kept him to get to the “final six”. He instituted a never before seen “buddy system” to keep the other team’s members from trying to co-opt his team members when they were alone. Nobody was alone.

By the time they got to the final six, Rob had three of the remaining members firmly loyal to him. They no doubt thought that going to the final with Rob would assure them victory. One of those most loyal was sacrificed at the end, and a perennial dangerous woman who was winning challenges posed a real danger should she get to the finals.

 His was able in the end, by winning the final immunity to guarantee himself a place in the final three and convince loyal Natalie to vote to eliminate Ashley a stronger player, making the final three Natalie, Rob and Crazy Phillip.

While nothing is certain, Rob was in the best position he could be in to win. I’m not sure how divided the jury was, but the impassioned argument of one of their fellow jurors, David, may have done the trick. He claimed that Rob had simply run the game from start to finish, controlled everyone and everything. Nobody deserved to win but him.

And win he did. He had of the nine votes, at least five and I haven’t seen a total vote count. Jeff Probst, clearly a fan of Rob’s, said it may well have been the most  perfect game of Survivor ever played. I agree. Rob has given new life to a very tired concept. Only time will tell if enough new elements can be introduced to reinvigorate  the show.

In the end, of course it is a silly show, where lying, and backstabbing are rewarded with money. Strange concept of course. Yet having watched Rob throughout his four Survivors, I’ve seen a young kid of twenty -eight grow into a mature man. He’s been married for over six years to Amber, they have two daughters now, and he apparently is starting a new project with the History Channel.

I wish him and his family the best. They have both entertained us over the years.

 And yeah, I know a ton of you have never seen it, and could care less. LOL. Well there is always tomorrow and something new to talk about!

The Mississippi Ain’t Got Nothin’

Tags

editorial, flooding, Humor, lifestyle, Mississippi, satire

It’s raining in Iowa and the temperatures have dropped significantly. I’m not supposed to mention that of course, because by comparison, things are much worse along the Mississippi.

This seems to happen periodically, and in the spring.

I imagine it was known to Lewis and Clark, and the Frenchies when they were in control of the river traffic.

If you remember, before aeroplanes and trains, river travel was the fastest thing going, it being determined that most horses could not swim for long pulling a wagon full of goods.

I know that the problems along the FLOOD PLAIN are getting worse because the mainstream media “reporters” have worn higher and higher boots and stood in higher and higher water to demonstrate their solidarity with those folks who are losing EVERYTHING THEY EVER OWNED.

In mulling over this issue, I came to a few pertinent conclusions. So don’t get you knickers in a knot, and yo–back off, while I make a point or two.

As I said, HISTORICALLY man and woman have learned? that rivers, swollen with melted snow, tend to flood a thing called the FLOOD PLAIN. I said that twice for emphasis.

A FLOOD PLAIN is a flat area of land adjacent to a river, composed of river sediment.

See the point is, we can find flood plains easily. When we walk on level ground to the water’s edge, we are on a FLOOD PLAIN. And if it is sandy and has ridges that look like waves lapping against the shore, we can be really quite sure we have found one.

Forgive me if I repeat, but we learned this many moons ago, actually so many that we were still living in caves pretty much.

In our travels around the globe, even when we had yet to know it was a globe, we found this phenomenon pretty much everywhere we found rivers.

So one has to further ruminate and conclude? that it is not really a good idea to build important shit like houses, businesses and so forth in flood plains. Wouldn’t this seem obvious?

Yet we have ignored the obvious. When it comes to a place like poor New Orleans, we ignored even more obvious truths–hurricanes push water from the ocean back against the land, and low-lying flood plains are inundated. You might remember this. I hint: Katrina.

Now all of this stubbornness costs horrific sums of money. And it makes people awfully angry. And the costs are on the front and back end of the naturally occurring flooding. First we spend oodles of money to build dikes and bladders and walls and other crap that works some of the time but will never work when the MOTHER OF ALL FLOODS occur, which they will, given enough time.

Then we pay oodles of money to clean up the mess.

To a sane person, it all makes little or no sense.

I mean, if you want to play the odds that these once per century events won’t occur while you have a vested interest in the flood plain, by all means, do so. But why on the public dime? There are always idiotic insurance companies willing, for a price, to insure your gamble. I mean they did insure Betty Grable’s legs after all didn’t they?

And what of the poor folks who have paid through their local taxes for protective measures only to be told that somebody upstream is gonna open their gates and flood you to save themselves? “We” (nobody asked me) have decided that New Orleans is to be saved, but in order to do that, other communities are being sacrificed.

As far as I can determine, the sacrificial lambs have not consented.

Quite frankly, I don’t know who makes these decisions or claims to have the right to decide with kingly or queenly authority that “you shall die, and you shall live” figuratively speaking that is.

It all leaves me scratching my head in those moments when I’m not exercising the politically correct stance of “oh those poor, poor folks. I am just heartbroken at their loss.” Trust me, most of the time I am being appropriately saddened and sympathetic.

But, people, REALLY! At some point in time, don’t we have to face the facts? FLOOD PLAINS ARE NOT GOOD PLACES TO LIVE AND DO BUSINESS! And if you insist that you want to because it is just so darn purty there, then bring a boat load of money to pay for whatever system will protect you from the onslaught of nature being nature.

Then the media can report “Crazy Ed and Margie Witherspoon, who spent $14 million dollars to protect their mega McMansion, report that they are high and dry and expect to remain that way as the Mighty Miss disgorges mountains of water down to the Gulf. When we return, Jack shows us the results of the latest efforts to give every child a free college education. The world looks to the US for inspiration!”

Have I made my point?

Good.

Related articles

• Mississippi Rising: Man-Made or Mother Nature? (abcnews.go.com)
• Mississippi floods swamp 12,000 acres of crops (cbsnews.com)
• Banks of the Mississippi River (hazimiai.wordpress.com)
• Fairly or Not, U.S. Taxpayers Bear Burden of Flood Costs (abcnews.go.com)

Oh, So What?

Tags

Common, Corporate American, education, Fox Noise, Friday 13th, GOP, Humor, John Ensign, Louis Gohmert, myths, racism, Rand Paul, rap, right wing wackos, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity

I could have passed the entire day without even knowing, but the MSM in its infinite infantile judgment, of course made sure I did.

It’s Friday the 13th. *yawn*

So, okay, I looked it up, frankly having no real idea what was behind it, other than it was a day of “spectacular” bad luck.

*yawn*

The explanation, which you are free to read here, was both stupid and boring.

I awoke with a mission. Which isn’t any big deal, it just means I had plans. So I scurried to get a load of wash in and running, and got to my routine stuff. Then I made spring rolls. The crab Rangoon turned out so great that I was emboldened to try my hand at the spring rolls. They are chillin’ in the freezer as we speak. We are having Chinese in a couple of weeks, and I’ll give you my opinion of how they turned out. And perhaps a recipe, but they are fairly standard–meaning you can put in about anything you wish. More on that later, as I said.

♦

There are times in this world when God blesses us with a perfect identifier.

Rep. Louis Gohmert, (R-TX), looks like an idiot. His name is idiotic. He is an idiot.  Thanks God, for the perfect storm.

♦

John Ensign (R-NV) couldn’t resign quick enough to avoid a public airing of the House Ethics investigation. And now we learn that his chief of staff has been granted immunity from prosecution.

Whatcha wanna bet that John will be wearing some striped clothing sometime soon?

♦

Rand Paul (R-KY) says that universal healthcare is akin to slavery. It forces him (the doctor) to be enslaved to caring for people even if he doesn’t want to. As was pointed out to the man of small brain, um…lawyers are provided free of charge to the indigent (and yes, the court can assign an attorney without their agreement to do a pro-bono case.

Did you know that Rand changed his name to Rand in honor of Ayn Rand? Ya know, the woman who had no use for the working class and poor because they are just parasites? Yeah, you go RAND. [h/t Under the Lobsterscope]

Actually Randy, slavery is not being able to live your life in a meaningful way because every damn dime you have must be devoted to paying bastards like you who want to charge whatever the richest can bear. Just sayin’.

♦

Did you hear about the mock horror expressed at Fox over the rapper Common? Turns out he had some lyrics that Foxy Duh “interpreted” as anti-cop and violent. Course most of that is sheer nonsense. What was best was Jon  Stewart’s smack down of Sean Hannity. Go to the Daily Show and look up the video from I think Wednesday.  Hannity had decried Common, and of course implied that his invite to the White House to read his poetry is really cuz the President and the First Ladies, are violent gangsters themselves. Which is what Hannity wants you to believe about all black folk.

Stewart showed with video that Hannity would defend the president against vicious attacks, should there be any. Turns out there was. Ted Nugent made some pretty nasty remarks of violence against the President and Hannity publicly said that Nugent was his friend and he would not condemn his violent remarks.

Yeah Sean, you pathetic excuse for a human being.

By the by, if you didn’t see Stewart’s rap smack down, you really should. He simply skewers Foxy. It’s classic.

♦

For those of you in need of a Sarah fix, I understand that there is a fun hash tag on Twitter called: #palinrapfacts. Have fun with that.

♦

One of the funniest little asides I read over at the Blaze the other day was this, and I do paraphrase:

“What’s all this crap about the beautification of Pope John Paul II I keep hearing about? Could somebody explain why he needs prettying up? “

Um that would be beatification dear, not beautification. And try a dictionary. I suspect you haven’t spent time with one of those in many a year.

♦

Ya gotta watch the slime balls at all times, cuz they will slip by when no one is looking. Maybe you heard that the Koch bro’s have endowed a couple of chairs at Florida State University. Yeah, well wealthy people do that all the time. Except this time there are strings, which amount to the Koch’s buying a way into teaching a type of economics that favors the rich and their way of doing business. Read it and weep, and send your kids elsewhere.

♦

Now get out there and make a day of it.

 

Related articles

• Jon Stewart’s Epic Takedown Of Fox News For Pushing Rapper Common’s W.H. ‘Controversy’ (mediaite.com)
• Rand Paul equates Universal Health Care with slavery… (underthelobsterscope.wordpress.com)
• The Daily Show On Common & The White House (dayandadream.com)
• CLASSIC Jon Stewart Rap Rips Fox News For The Common Controversy (businessinsider.com)

Poker is Such a Dickish Game

Tags

Entertainment, Humor, Iowa, life in the meadow, Poker

I love poker. I discovered it, or rather the Contrarian discovered Texas Holdem some years ago when they started showing games on TV. I became an avid fan, and started reading poker books by the score.

We signed up at one of the online casinos and placed $50 on deposit. I played at the micro limits (between 5¢-10¢ and 25¢-50¢) for about three years.

My intent was to make enough so that I could move up to the higher table levels. I dreamed of actually making real money.

This didn’t happen. I made money–a few hundred dollars, but hardly enough to move up. The problem was not that the books lied, they did not, but they were not written in view of the explosion of micro-level play.

Making money at poker depends on there being a couple of really awful players, a large middle ground of poor to mediocre players, and one and hopefully no more than two “good” players. Unfortunately at the micro level, there are thousands of people who can afford to lose say $40 a month playing. It’s pure entertainment. They want to play hands, and they don’t care about odds. They want to play.

When there are six people at the table who play this way–chasing every longshot, a good player gets eaten up. Let’s say it’s the difference between making say $85 on a good day, and instead making only $25. When you add in unlucky days, you end up making over time paltry amounts that don’t allow you to move up to higher tables, and when you do, finding the play hasn’t improved much.

See, I’m not a gambler. I don’t like to lose. So poker is a perfect game for me. While luck plays a part in poker, it’s a relatively small part. Poker is simply math. It used to be that old-time players intuitively learned that certain hands won more than others, certain “draws” won more often. With the advent of computers and all that computing power, this has been proved out mathematically. Millions of computer simulations have developed what are called “hand odds” and “pot odds.” Charts are developed that show you what hands to play in what position on the table.

Good players play odds. Over time, you win. Quite simple. Never draw to inside straights they say. This is true. If you have Jack, ten and what is on the table is eight and seven, you would have a straight with a nine. But there are only 4 nines out of the remaining 47 cards in the deck. The odds are not favorable. If somebody bets, you fold your hand, and live to see another hand.

Except the bad players never fold. They chase everything.

Odds being odds, bad players hit bad draws here and there. They call this luck. They call your careful, mathematical game which seems to win more than them, very lucky. They have no clue.

Bad players are called “fish”. You are there to hook ’em and take their money.

Telling a bad player that he is a bad player is called “tapping on the glass.” In other words, don’t disturb the stupid fish, I’m fishing. Tapping on the glass causes them to swim away.

So instead of yelling at the imbecile, “You jackass, don’t you know that you have only a 1 in 22 chance of catching that card?” you fold your beautiful two-pair Ace and King pairs, and smile, as the idiot rakes in all your chips and others because on the river his hand of 2’s found another two, giving him three of a kind. Worse, you don’t just smile, you say, “Nice hand!”

The fish grins, feeling and looking like he knows he’s the best poker player on the planet. He’s the worst of course.

So we are, us good players, mean liars who prey upon the stupid. We tell them they are smart, lucky, courageous and talented. Poker would not be poker unless there were fish, we know. Yet inside we are seething.

Except I don’t seeth well. I tap the glass.

I play internet free poker. I play the odds. Rarely do I even meet a player who knows what odds are let alone plays by them. They are there to have fun. It’s only “PLAY” money.

I tap the glass. And you would be surprised at just how many people do not like being told they are horses asses. Shocking I know, but they resent my “poker lessons.”

I, on the other hand, want it clearly understood, that I was playing correctly, and you may have beaten me on this hand, but it’s because you’re a JACKASS IDIOT!!!

You see, I am not suited to poker. My temperament is just not what it should be. I have always had trouble smiling and lying to stupid people. Fair warning: you are stupid and I am not. So if I take you to the cleaners, know that you were warned. I did not take advantage of you.

It’s such a dickish game. It encourages people to be dishonest. Fancy that in gambling! Hard to believe in such an honorable sport.

So if you are ever at a table in a casino somewhere, and you do something stupid, and an aging woman yells, “You IDIOT!” Well, it could be me.

**Mostly the Contrarian, I admit, but I play too–between us we have acquired some 10.7 million chips at an online gaming site. I have written to the site inquiring as to whether they might convert say $10 per million for transfer to their monied tables. They would get their money back in rake anyway. Sad to say, they have ignored me. And of course Americans are now barred from monied tables at most of the online sites because of pending law suits. So I continue to be the Phil Helmuth of free online poker (look it up! lol)

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