21 | May | 2011 | Existential Ennui

Tags

fiction, Harold Camping, Humor, Johnny Depp, Literature, rapture, short stories

I don’t know about you, but here in the Peyton household, we could barely sleep last night. I mean, we are soooo excited.

First thing we did was take a shower–in the morning no less.

It was hard to decide what to wear. We couldn’t figure out if we should wear our “Sunday best” or just regular clothes. Heck we don’t know if our clothes will be coming with us.

We settled on dressing neatly and cleanly, but without too much fuss. I have been told that glorified bodies are not fat or thin so, heck my clothes might fall off. I clipped in a few safety pins just in case.

We bathed the dogs yesterday. Boy did they NOT like that. And Brandy is none too happy about the collar either, but we figured they should be leashed. I mean it’s likely to be pretty crowded at first, and we don’t want to be separated. The cats have already been put in carriers. You know how they can tend to “disappear” at the last minute, and we don’t want to lose track of them either.

Pastor Harold Camping was none to informative frankly about the “little things”. I mean, I have no idea what the weather will be like. I assume there will be seasons, but I don’t know for sure. It seems God would not be unkind to all those snowboarders and NEVER let them have snow again. I’m taking a sweater, and hope that will be enough.

I can’t decide whether we should take a bible or not, and really don’t know which translation! I am torn between the New Revised Standard Version or The New Jerusalem. But the Contrarian (I guess I probably won’t be calling him THAT much longer) thinks we should take the good old KJV.

The whole idea of books is quite a problem. I just hate leaving mine behind. I suppose God has quite the library though, and so maybe it won’t be so bad. But I am fussy, and well, I can only borrow.

Which brings up the whole NFL thing. I mean the Contrarian is adamant that we request a mansion with NFL cable, so he can watch the Packer’s games. I keep reminding him of course that there won’t be anymore football to watch on TV. For heaven sakes, it stands to reason that MOST of the NFL players won’t be qualifyin’ and coming up with us. And I figure trying to play football in white robes is gonna be messy. Imagine all those grass stains?

Then of course, he reminded me that the same could be said of most of my favorite actors and such. No more Desperate Housewives! And of course, given what we read in the tabloids, most of them will be “left behind” as they say. (I been praying all day that God spares Johnny Depp for me!)

As I said, we didn’t sleep much last night. Had to umm, errr, well, there isn’t gonna be any more of THAT in heaven, or so I’ve been led to believe. That is a bit of a bummer. But the alternative as they also say, is, well, let’s not go there.

So far, we haven’t heard any news of earthquakes. They are supposed to start worldwide at 6 p.m. I thought that was local time, so I figured by now there would be reports of them from the east and of course seeing people flying up into the clouds. Maybe the unfortunates are too sad to relate that they’ve been left, or too busy dodging brimstone. No doubt we’ll find out everything as soon as we land.

I assume we’ll be loaded on busses and transported to our apartments. Truthfully, I’d rather have a yard. People who bring pets might get yards. That would be nice. Do animals poop in heaven? Now that’s a question isn’t it? I don’t rightly know. Do you?

I just want to make sure I get a really nice kitchen. I so love to cook, and can’t wait to make a nice paella. I sure hope we don’t have to eat a lot of ambrosia. I mean some is okay, but frankly I prefer chocolate chip cookies.

I’m also wondering when we meet all the “loved” ones who have passed ahead of us. I guess maybe our new “mansions” will have phone books and we can just look them up. Of course, it’s gonna be a bit messy, blending these two families. I wonder how the Contrarian’s dad will like mine? And His mom? How do they do that two husbandy thing I wonder? I plan on making a big old bowl of my prize-winning (well if I ever entered it, it would have won) potato salad. I wonder if they have charcoal? Maybe everyone uses gas grills?

Oh, whew, just about forgot to get my very favorite earrings! I This is so stressful! I mean, should we take a carry-on? Or would that now be a carry-up?

I really don’t know what kind of work we will be expected to do there. I mean I guess we’ll all just automatically “know” the bible, so I can hardly do my studies any more. Nurses and doctors and folks like that are no longer needed. What will they do? I guess I could work part-time at Burger King. I prefer Burger King to McDonald’s, in case someone is keeping track.

Do we get wings? Will we have replicators? I mean on the Enterprise, they really couldn’t do without them. I don’t think we should have to either.

Well, it’s getting on to the afternoon. We are watching some movies, just in case we can’t get our favorites at the heavenly Blockbuster.

Hey, after you get settled, (assuming you are saved of course), look us up. That’s Peyton with an E. And if we don’t hear from ya, well, ya know, we will feel bad. Ya probably won’t feel a thing, at first at least. There is that eternity thing unfortunately. Trust that we will feel bad for ya on the anniversary date March 21, 2011!

Take that Mayan wannabes!