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I was sitting peaceably the other night in my lounger, calmly watching whatever TV was on at the time. The usual commercials, and then what they call a “news brief” comes on.

Now I hate these little interruptions, because they are never “news” but rather teases to “come on and watch our news show later on”. They therefore piss me off, royally I might add.

Well, this was actual news. It seems that CNN, that organization that bends over backwards to give us all the relevant information we need to traverse this universe successfully, had gone and done a poll.

And, hold onto your hats, wigs, or other head ornamentation, it seems that 61% of Americans are of the opinion that Osama Bin Laden is presently residing in hell, wherein he is no doubt a pretty grumpy man.

Well, the infusion of this world-shaking news rocked my world I can tell ya. I nearly fell out of my seat, and that was a hard thing to do. It is to be noted that 25% were unsure about the above. One doesn’t know if they are unsure about there being a hell, or whether they have finely tuned religious beliefs that allow for even the bad boys to be welcomed back into the bosom of God.

I can tell ya, I fairly flew from the room, grabbed a phone book, a phone, and a some notebook and pen and got to work. If this is what we need to know, then I clearly KNEW of dozens of other things that you needed to know right now. So read the following and find out where you sit on these issues of universal importance.

  • Polling last night confirmed that 48% of all responders believe that orange jelly beans predominate in a box labeled “assorted”. Twenty-seven  percent thought that green was the main bean, and one member of the public had me wait why he got a newly purchased box out and counted them. Result: there was one more white jelly bean than the other colors.
  • A clear 52% of respondents said that Jesus had light brown hair and blue eyes. Twelve percent had no opinion, questioning his very existence. People of color were unanimous that his eyes were brown. All self-identified Middle Easterners merely laughed and hung up.
  • Forty-three percent of all polled persons said that it is true that “nice guys finish last.” When controlled for sex, shockingly women agreed with this proposition to the tune of 57% and men only 23%. Further polling about what psychological factor accounts for this is ongoing.
  • No clear majority of those polled could decide which of Robert Conrad’s old television shows was the worst in terms of his excretable acting “talent”. Eight percent thought Wild Wild West and fourteen percent opted for BaaBaa Black Sheep.  Forty-two percent had never heard of him, and eleven percent confused him with another pretty boy who couldn’t act, Jan Michael Vincent.
  • Sixty-two percent of all those polled said they had never eaten caviar, and of those who had, 72% thought it tasted lousy. I’d say don’t invest in fish roe futures.
  • A whopping 75% of Americans believe that Uzbekistan is a fake country used by either the show 24 or in old Marx Brother’s movies. Twenty-two percent were sure it was the fake country used by Lucy when she played a princess come to America to find a husband.
  • Thirty-five percent of adults in the US believe that Hannity only plays a pundit on TV, while actually being a plumber from Queens. Twenty-seven percent of teenagers thought that Glenn Beck was a hermaphrodite.
  • Sixty-four percent of those who own pets agreed that their relationship with said animal might be considered “unnatural” by some. All were quick to point out they were not referring to anything sexual, but merely that their dog or cat sat at the dinner table and ate from a dish before them, while playing Jeopardy. Seventeen percent report that their dog or cat regularly beats them at Jeopardy.
  • In an embarrassing turn about, 33% admitted that little people make them slightly queasy, while 54% agreed that although wrong, they often laughed at “short” jokes. Short people were quick to admit, by a huge 84% that they love making fun of abnormally tall people and regularly go to basketball games to make verbal fun of the players.
  • In a shocking revelation, a full 29% of all respondents admitted to having the remnants of a “tail”.
  • Sixty-one percent of Americans believe in string theory and a unified theory of “everything.” Of that number 52% wish they could get reservations now at the Restaurant at the end of the Universe.
  • Three percent of Americans admit to fantasizing about George W. Bush. Of the seven who made up this percent, four were men, two were octogenarians, and one was a Persian cat.
  • Fifty-seven percent of those polled think that pictures of Dubya kissing the Saudi king on the cheeks and holding his hand, are just the tip of the iceberg.
  • Ninety percent of responders would like to see a debate between Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Kate + 8, and Charlie Sheen. The hoped for moderator would be Miss Piggy.

Read it and weep CNN. Bwwwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

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