First, let me tell you the incidents of recent origin that I did not cause a public scene about.
Yesterday, I was in the grocery store, or, I should say, my second grocery store.
I am a bit of a grocery store prude. There is a quaint little store in Center Point, Iowa that will forever be known as the “bad store.” It purports to be an “all-purpose” store, but you couldn’t find an avocado there if life itself depended upon it.
I am anxiously awaiting our move to New Mexico, just for the opportunity to scope out the full service groceries that I expect to find.
Yesterday I as the “all-purpose” store, called HyVee. I had completed about 2/3 of the traipse around, and was searching for an item I’m not used to looking for: imitation crabmeat. I looked in the butcher’s showcase where the fish was located. None there. I then looked in the seafood freezer case. None there either, but I did find my “wild shrimp”. I walked around other chest freezers in front of the butcher area where they have some fresh fish. I had already looked in the general purpose walk-in freezers in the aisles where “fish” was promised.
I cannot find this stuff. I am wondering, perhaps they don’t carry it. Well, this leads to my asking, a bit self-consciously where the fake crab is. But damn it, the real stuff is cost prohibitive and I want to make my own crab Rangoon.
So I ask. “Do you have any imitation crab meat?”
“Sure we do, it’s around the corner. I take you too it.”
Now I am wondering, if it’s just a few feet, does he think I’m that stupid? Or do only stupid people ask for fake crab? As I’m pondering this, I find that we are traveling way, way around the corner. In fact, we are damn near to the other end of the store.
He pointed to the crabby material. There it was nestled with the bacon, sausage, and other processed meats.
“Kind of a strange place for it,” he admits.
KIND OF? IT’S A FREAKIN’ STUPID PLACE.
I don’t say a word, smile, thank the man, and proceed.
Then I was searching for rice. Just plain old long grain rice. I found Jasmine and short grained, I found ten pound bags of rice, and extra long grain. There was Indian rice and Spanish rice, these in two different aisles.
Finally, again, in desperation, I asked, “where is the plain old every day rice?”
“Why right down this aisle, ma’am, right next to the crackers.”
CRACKERS? WHAT’S IT DOING THERE? THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN RICE AND CRACKERS!
But again, I say nothing, just thank the nice man, and go grab my bag of rice and sling it into the cart.
I practice being “good” at the grocery store. I can be quite snarky, when I’m frazzled, beat, and putting the last of 723 items onto the conveyor belt.
It’s panko crumbs,” I sigh. (There is a whole other story about where they hid this little item, but now I know where it is.)
“What do you use them for?”
Now I am tempted to ask, “why the hell do you need to know that in order to scan it, BIOTCH?” But I don’t.
“It’s like bread crumbs.”
“Why the name Panko?”
“Because they are Japanese.”
“Lordy, the things they make these days. What is wrong with good old American bread crumbs?”
There is a reason the Contrarian doesn’t let me go armed into grocery stores.
This morning, I was finishing up a long morning. I made a new variation on tuna-noodle casserole. I made some blue-cheese dressing. I cleaned and repackaged celery and green onions. I divided up buns and loaves of bread for freezing so they don’t go blue on me before I use them up.
I did dishes, and a load of laundry. I did morning prayer, a rosary, and was just sitting down to a cup of coffee, when this brilliant woman on MSNBC started jawing about this passenger plane where a section of roof came off. The pressure in the cabin had escaped.
She has this “expert” on. “How long before people pass out?” “Oh, this long, <———–>” he says. “And what about the pilot?”
Now, I’m thinking, the pilot is in a locked cockpit. Isn’t he immune from the depressurization? But no matter, the expert explains that the pilot has some 30-60 seconds of rational thinking to save everyone before he too passes out.
“But they have oxygen masks right?”
“Yes, they do,” he nods.
And I swear this was her next question:
“And are they relatively close by so the pilot can get to it in time?”
“NO YOU IDIOTIC WOMAN, THEY ARE NOT CLOSE BY. NOT LIKE THE ONES THAT DROP DOWN AUTOMATICALLY IN FRONT OF THE PASSENGERS WHO DON’T NEED TO MAKE ANY LIFE OR DEATH DECISIONS.
NO THE PILOT MUST RUN DOWN THE AISLE TO THE BACK OF THE PLANE, OPEN THE HATCH IN THE FLOOR AND CRAWL INTO THE BELLY OF THE CARGO AREA TO THE LOCKER MARKED PILOT’S OXYGEN MASKS!
Of all the stupid, inane, insane, idiotic, redundant, ridiculous questions. You flunked journalism didn’t you? Twice!
The Contrarian muttered, “I’ll be going out to get the eggs now, if it’s all right.”
As he drove off with dogs in tow, well I just shook my head. It’s true, I am the only sane person on planet earth. Yes, I’m sane. Yes I am.
Oh Sherry!! I LOL so many times — possibly one of your most enjoyable columns ever:-)))
Hmmm….grocery stores in NM — OK…if y’all are really serious about moving to NM, we should talk — grocery stores is only one of the many important topics to discuss. Maybe you should make a list of your possible NM curiosities and email me… I’ll share my version of the truth.
Have a wonderful weekend! The weather here is incredibly gorgeous and I don’t plan on going to the grocery store today…so I know it’s going to be a beautiful day!
Jerry, I am reading one of those travel books on NM now, and getting so excited. We are really talking about it a lot now. We are quite sure that this is where we are headed. Las Cruces it is! I’ll think about your comment and let you know by e-mail. Happy Weekend!
What really ticks me off is when I finally know where everything is in the store and then they “redesign” it so that I have to go hither and yon and everywhere else trying to find that certain something. And what is worse is they do this on purpose. They figure the longer you are in the store looking the more likely it is that you will impulse buy something else too. So like I said ON.PURPOSE.ASSHOLES.
Peeve #2 – packaging schenanigans!
New package looks just like the old package and says ‘NOW – with LESS SUGAR’ (it had sugar?) Can’t find the old package which is really all I want since it’s something I use by the tablespoon about once every two weeks. So LESS SUGAR!! isn’;t really an issue. Nor is LOWER SODIUM.
And by the way Mr. Manufacturer – when you change the package too much, I can’t find it and may end up trying something new. So there.
Another excellent point! Wasting money, which you pass on to us, with repackaging what has not changed one iota inside…
You are so right libs! about every 6 months, they just arbitrarily move crap around. In these mega stores, that makes for a big hike. I’m pooped with I finally get home!
Snoring Dog Studio said:
Oh, yeah, those good ol’ American bread crumbs. Made with white bread. To put on top of Mac and cheese made with Velveeta. Oh, yeah, loves me some good ol’ Amurican cookin’.
At least in New Mexico you will get some variety. Move – don’t listen to naysayers. Las Cruces is lovely.
Yay, haha…yep. And we are going that way! Never fear Las Cruces in a year!
Wow. I’ve always had positive experiences in Hyvee.
At least the first two employees were competent, even if they were forced to stock them in stupid places.
Oh as places go, it aint’ the worst. The worst is Walmart…We get almost nothing there any more. Are you from Iowa too!
Some thoughts: (1) There are so Many new products/labels available, and someimes innapropriayelly placed, even Walmart Manager, and their Supervisor aids didn’t know Where products are located; especially ‘end of aisle’ ‘specials’. (2) Ever notice the New package labels: Non-Fat Salt, low salt Sugar (Maybe am exagerating 5%), etc., etc. (3) Sharon, you are the First party to mention The Problem of the 737 ‘exploding Fuselage top’: Instant Decompression; Oxygen can not help Decompression instantly from 36,000 feet. The Pilots handled things ideal: Safe Dive to low altitude, nearest landing. The Problem is Aircraft Fatigue: Too many ascents/descents on one airframe. Media Incorrectly reported cruise at “30,000 Feet”, but it was Far higher 36,000 feet, rarelly flown on short/medium legs. (4) Dn’t judge Las Cruces, and it’s Groceries, til ya bin thar.
I agree Tony, Walmart doesn’t know what it’s got half the time….
Middle Seaman said:
I have a leg on the competition; I buy mostly unprocessed food, fresh fish, veggies and fruit by the barrel, milk, eggs, some pasta, rice and for the lady, meats. No cereals, no prepared food as much as possible, make my own farmer’s cheese, my own hot sauce, bake my breads and cakes, our Chinese bakery has great Russia tea cookies, Portuguese egg tarts and even Chinese baked goods.
Our Trader Joe has most of want we eat. From May to October the local farmers market have almost everything.
make your own cheese? wow…I make a lot of stuff from scratch…..I baked more before, not so much now…but I do make pies and cakes…I do breads, but mostly specialty, like pizza and foccacia. But I’m with you, we don’t eat much out of boxes. Fresh veggies and farm eggs…
No, I’m the only sane person on Planet Earth! In the Universe, in fact! Those Jovians, in particular, are totally bonkers… and don’t get me started on the Betelgeusians!!!
Or supermarket redesign! (I bet they do these every fudgin’ day on Betelgeuse…………)
Challenge you to a duel at moonrise on the 25th of October at Stonehenge…We shall see who is boss of the Universe!
just remember…. it gets HOT down in NM!! I have a friend lives outside Las Cruces….. rich, culturally diverse community (best hone up on some Spanish) great arts society. But the word is HOT. and watch out for tumble weeds!
Hot yes…but no humidity! Can you put me in touch? We need some help in where to look for a house…About a year from now, but it would be worth getting a looksee, on what neighborhoods to look at…and what real estate agents are considered the best.
Grocery store in NM aside, at least you’ll have all the roasted green chile you could ever dream of! Yum! 🙂
So I have heard. I was in NM a number of years ago, but up near the El Morro region, but I did get some of that great chili sauce on some to die for enchiladas…I can’t wait!
OK, U got me… what’s the significance of 25th Oct? (probably gonna kick myself)
I accept! (can I bring Thor and Zaphod?)
oh none at all…just a date…although there is no doubt that some body on this planet finds it a most signficant day. lol Indeed, the more the merrier.
:: sighs ::
We’ve got to get you to a Wegmans someday — it’s a gourmet supermarket with every possible item a foodie could want.
Oh yes! I love stores like that! lol….
Diane McCarthy said:
Hi Sherry!! Ah, the travails of the local H-V!. I hate them almost as much as I hate Wal-Mart, but for a few different reasons (and I won’t go into that now)
If only we had a real choice of where to shop. They replaced most of the other stores, but have less options even though they have miles and miles and miles of aisles.
Well, I don’t have to worry about the things I can’t find at the local “full”-service store, I’m stuck dealing with the no choices whatever store so I end up with a cart full of groceries for only $200 instead of over $300! Choices-smoices–I can only afford to be pro-choice in my politics!!!!
Diane McCarthy said:
BTW–that was hilarious!!!
I’ve been hibernating from my brain for a few months., but longer days and warmer (relatively warmer–I won’t really be warm until it gets to be about 80) weather have helped me crawl out of my cocoon.
So I got new info from this post–you’re leaving the wonderful wilds of central Iowa for the warm and scenic ones of NM!!
I’m sure you’ll keep us posted on life and ridiculousness from the SW, but I wish you could put me in a packing crate and take me with you!
I had though moving to Arizona would be the way to go, but that state keeps sinking deeper and deeper and deeper into the right-wing viper’s nest that I wish I could figure out how to get my step daughter and mother-in-law to leave it! (latest insult: medicaid patients who are overweight or smoke will have to start paying the state for their coverage–it not only targets poor people in general, but the large Native American population of the state since Native Americans smoke at a very high rate–tobacco is an integral part of their culture–and are often obese–type-2 diabetes is overwhelmingly evident in that population.
At least NM people have the good sense to vote for a democrat once in a while!!
I know what you mean about AZ…their right-wingerism is just too much for me. We crossed it off our list. The NM gov is a rethug and is trying to pull some fast ones, but I think the state is so democratic in general that they are having none of it. We are excited and hope to make the move a bit more than a year from now. I cannot tolerate cold and snow and humidity and mosquitos any longer! lol
Yes, we are trying to unload as much as possible from Walmart, now down mostly to dog food. I just hate their policies. HyVee is okay in terms of service, but you are wasting your time to inquire and actually get an answer to things. Years ago I asked the manager why Walmart sold 8 o’clock coffee SIX dollars cheaper than they? They were dumbfounded, but I never got an answer.
Hope you can find that Old, Holed UConn T-shirt, Sherry. Proves you’re not a New supporter. ______________________________________________Once’t Upon a Time, WalMart was ‘all USA-made. But History and marketing motives and profits change history fast.
Yep, although I can’t exactly wave the flag at that rather awful performance. UConn didn’t exactly shine either.