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We start with the premise that I am a reasonable person. That is essential to what follows. I am, reasonable that is. Trust me on that.
Now, the Contrarian and I have been married going on twelve years. They have been overwhelmingly happy years, at least as happy as any two people can be living in close proximity 24/7.
Part of the reason that we are happy, is that we are old enough to grant each other sufficient room to be ornery, or contrary if you will.
Now the Contrarian is so named because it is his cause celeb in life to be different just because. He’s always been this way. He is the two-year-old who never grew up. Questions are his life blood. And being the fly in the ointment is his delight.
I’m used to most of it. We don’t argue about toothpaste squishing methodology, we don’t argue about which way the toilet paper roll goes on. I pick up socks, wrenches, stray eyeglasses and return them to their appropriate places, all without complaint.
I’ve been schooled again and again in the fact that there is a top bun and a bottom bun to a hamburger, and the top one belongs firmly lodged against the roof of one’s mouth. I’ve had it explained to me again and again that “condiments go on top of the meat” although I prefer my onion under my meat. I’m told it’s simply the “right” way.
Similarly mustard doesn’t go on hamburgers, but only on hotdogs. And there is a reason that a BLT is called a BLT, it is not called a LBT although I insist on putting mine together in that manner.
Over the years, I’ve learned a number of these rules, even though I tend to nod to the directions and do things the way I want anyway. Still, I accommodate. I don’t dictate how HE makes his sandwich.
On issues that involve his areas of expertise, I defer, with a great amount of, I might say, deference. I listen raptly as he has instructed me in the proper art of fire making, in wood stacking, and so forth.
I expect, but don’t often get the same deference as to household duties. He makes the bed, rarely, but when he does, it is “his” way. This, from a man who served in our armed forces, and I KNOW they are really big on making beds correctly. Still, I remain silent.
But there is a place to draw the line! I must, or I do a disservice to all of womanhood around the globe.
THERE IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE, BUT ONE WAY TO CUT AN ONION!
There, I said it. Every woman knows I’m right.
An onion has a root and a top. You slice a small end off the top, put it down on that flat side, and slice it through the root in half. Then you make small slices across the face of the top end, making half slices. If you want dice, you slice parallel slices almost to the root across the onion and then turn and slice from the top end, creating perfectly equal dice.
This is not rocket science. It is the obvious recognition of the unique formation of an onion in concentric layers. This is not hard. It’s safe. It is efficient. It’s fast. It’s taking advantage of God’s gift of a perfectly designed vegetable.
“No, I don’t want to do it that way, I want slices!” he moans.
“Look,” I retort, “you have half slices, that’s good enough.”
“No it’s not! I want WHOLE slices,” he pouts.
“Well put two together facing each other, you mouth won’t know the difference,” I sneer.
“It’s not the same!” he whimpers defiantly.
“FINE!”
I thereafter stomped into the kitchen, grabbed the plastic container with his incorrectly cut onion in it, slamming it on the counter. A bit of masking tape and a magic marker finished the job.
“Here’s YOUR onion,” I screeched. Marked on the lid are the words “Parker’s Stupid Cut Onion.”
“And you will kindly confine your use of onions to YOUR container and leave MY onions alone!”
Sometimes, compromise is not acceptable. Sometimes you just have to stand on principle!
Moe said:
You scare me.
Sherry said:
oh no! lol
jerry said:
OMG! What a wonderful way to start the week:-) Glad to know that I’m not alone when it comes to “my way is better”. You shoulda seen the verbal “throw down” at my house when I “secretly” devoured all of the kettle corn — once again, I was labeled “one that never learned how to share” – LOL
Aren’t partners a trip? Can’t live with ’em — can’t live without ’em.
Sherry said:
hahaha…yes, our way is always superior!
Middle Seaman said:
As one who went down th aisle a few, I offer Billy Crystal’s solution offered when he appeared in Moscow in the early 90s. “We thought that you (Soviets) are the enemy; you thought that we (US) are the enemy. It turns out we both were wrong: It’s the French.”
Translation for the needy: you and your hubby are right; it’s something or somebody else that causes the problems. (One thing is sure, in politics always blame somebody else.)
Sherry said:
Oh I think we know who the enemy is…closed minds!
Tony said:
OK, Sherry; but tough Catholic question: Doesn’t your BLT get Squished and Squashed Tomato’s?????
Sherry said:
uhuh…I like my tomato in the middle.
Tony said:
Only Vidalia Onions are The Onions; but few Vidalia Onions are From Vidalia GA (top secret – don’t tell any one)
Moe said:
In my market, if they’re not real Vidalia, they’re labeled ‘sweet onions’. But elvis help me, I buy them anyway.
Sherry said:
I been hearing that…they take a long time to mature, so they are hard to grow in the North, but never say never!
Tony said:
Thanks for reminding, Moe: County of Vidalia GA got a Court Order prohibiting use of Vidalia name on non-Vidalia Onions a ‘decade’ ago. Vidalia’s RULE.
okjimm` said:
//I am, reasonable that is. Trust me on that.//
Wowzers…. a post that immediately petitions for a leap of faith! See, I may prescribe to no particular Onion, but there are as many ways to peel, slice, dice, mince,chop and Onion as there are stars in the heaven…..but you are right… it is necessary to circumcise the onion first…. specially if you are Kosher cooking……. but mostly, see, the correct way to do Onion is all relevant on how many beers have been previously ingested …. now, =for a really fiery discussion…. the best way to chop jalepenos
Sherry said:
Ha…secretly I’m prostelytizing ya Jimmy…Now Jalapenos…I cut off their cap, slice them stem to stern, pull forth the seeds and ribbon them, and then cross cut them all into dice…Keep em in the freezer whole in a bag. works fine in all cooked dishes…that’s the rules of my game.
Tony said:
OKJim is contemplating ypour solution, Shery, hopefully with authentic GUINESS Irish.
Sherry said:
No doubt it will be authentic Tony, Jimmy is no one for substitutes
mauigirl said:
That is exactly how I dice an onion as well, Sherry, for cooking. But if I put onion on a hamburger, I am very picky about it. I do slices, but I have to pull them apart into little rings and arrange them just so – on top of my burger, not underneath. We all have our little ways, don’t we!
LOL about the Contrarian. At least DH and I agree that the toilet paper roll should roll from the top, not from underneath. And it’s funny because I was brought up in an underneath-the-roll family but I converted. I feel it is easier to get at the TP as it rolls off the top!
Sherry said:
Yeah we agree on the tp too. it’s funny around here on his food presentation issues. I just laugh…he’s nuts, but he’s also the best of men! I’m lucky
pepsoid said:
Re toilet rolls, let me just say this…
http://www.abctales.com/story/pepsoid/under-or-over
And furthermore…
I love this post! Such irreverent poignance amuses me greatly! More of the same, please, Sherry… 😉
Sherry said:
lol..thanks so much for this! I do like to make amusement from the absurdities of life. As they come to me that is.