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Florida is a land of liars! There. Let’s not mince words here.

I mean, you only have to LOOK at the shape of it. Everybody knows it’s one big fat penis. Even has some little cahones just southeast of Panama City. (Boy were they lost! Panama is like a whole other COUNTRY!)

And then there is that spume of something or other (I’ll not use the word) spilling forth, ending in something called “Key West.”

So, this must be the sexy, harlot-seeking, revelry bending, sex-pot o’ the Americas right? WRONG. It’s the home of the largest population of flabby flaccids in the nation. It’s the king of NO ERECTION here. Everybody’s old uncle Al and Grampa Bill retires to Florida.  You could carpet the entire state with all the polyester draping these wrinkly old bodies! That and gaudy jewelry, red, red lipstick and hot pink toenail polish worn by blue-haired mammas strutting their stuff as they push their walkers down the board walks of Sarasota and West Palm Beach.

And then, get this, they invite Disney to build a theme park there to attract children and their parents! Now this is an explosive situation. Older-than-sin elderly, all gripping with a death hold their driver’s licenses, meeting head on (and I do mean that literally) with busy, we-only-got-three-days-to-see-it-all parents with three screaming under-the-age-of-ten monsters demanding to go to Sea World next!

The carnage is everywhere. Speed limits here are a minimum of 1 and maximum of 12, or as fast as your walker can wheel. And the stop lights? The cross walk is no man’s land for cars, for a solid 17 minutes. Did I mention that all these blue-bonnet lassies are towing a 15oz excuse for some dog? That slows things to a well, backward would actually be an improvement.

So wanna go their yet?

The state was the first to see Europeans, yet, it waited until 1845 to become a state of the union, exhibiting I guess a lot of questionable conduct. Ponce de Leon was the first to arrive and named it La Florida, or flowery land. No idea what the inhabitants who were already there called it. Home comes to mind.

The usual wars ensued when the English came around. Mostly they set English supporting tribes on Spanish supporting tribes. The English are good at getting others to do their dirty work.

Slaves regularly ran away to Florida, where the Spanish first converted them to Roman Catholicism, and then set them free. Never one to let an opportunity go by, the Catholics.  The Treaty of Paris gave the mess to England, and the Treaty of Versailles gave it back to the Spanish. Spain gave it to the New U S of A, in exchange for us not meddling in Texas. (We lied. Note that as a pattern)

Once we owned it free and clear it was time to clean out the Indians (remember those people who called it simply “home.”). Three Seminole Wars later, the state was still not rid of them pesky red skins, and some of them took to the Everglades, where they are said to remain to this day.

With the discovery of how good cotton grows, the state changed it’s mind about freedom for Africans, and enslaved them again (remember we  lie a lot) and put them to useful work in the fields. You all know how that story ended.

The state remained low in population until old people, who are always slow to get new things, discovered it was WARM there, and started their walker migration.

Florida suffers more lightning strikes than any place in the US. Most of those are to old men in golf carts. Gotta get that exercise you know. Wives exercise by lifting bloody marys in the club house. This means that over time, there are more old women than old men, and gigolos flock to retirement settlements to find an easy mark.

Hurricanes don’t deter these folks, mostly because Alzheimer’s robs them of any recall of the last one. Many are seen roaming around the malls with inflatable vests over their leisure suits, “just in case.” Nursing homes pass them out as the height of  “chic” and the poor dears never know the difference.

There are some nice animals that live there, but this is overshadowed by all the icky reptiles.

Hanging chads. Need I say more?

On the plus side, it has the lowest incidence of earthquakes, so the penis will not be falling off it seems.

Two-thirds of the population was born in another state, so no point in asking directions anywhere. Chances are, they won’t know.

I could give you actual numbers, but let’s just say, it’s mostly white with a localized Cuban population. Not to be confused with Hispanic. Believe me on this. They are two totally different things.

Median age: OLDER THAN SIN

Religion: Very Catholic and when it’s not, it’s Jewish.

Economy: you know, oranges and grapefruits. Oh yeah, and tourists who come to look at all the old people.

Education: classes are held when they can get enough children together to fill a classroom.

My advice: Don’t waste your time. Most of the state will be under water in a few decades due to rising sea levels.  The “Big Dick” will be reduced to a Pencil Dick by then. 

If you are a girl gigolo and looking for a hot sugar daddy with deep pockets, just hang out at the mall and look for men whose belts are up under their armpits. And SCORE!