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Ah Kansas, a state in confusion. Or a statement of confusion.

You know that right off. Remember how traumatized you were as a youth when asked to recite the states? Number 24 was Arkansas, named after the state’s native population the Quapaw Indians. Okay, so they forgot to put a W in the English rendition, but you learned that.

When you get to #34, you say Kansaw! And the teacher, LAUGHED, and then the class laughed, and you turned red and sputtered and hadn’t a clue. “CANS ASS,” the teacher prompted. You looked confused. But “R CAN SAW”?

And you have hated Kansas ever since, for making you look a fool.

The joke is on them, they are the idiots who  think they were transported from Arkansas and their native people are called the Kansa peoples. They just slapped a S on the end, and then forgot to pronounce it as a W! I tell you, no wonder the French hate English speakers!

Okay, think of what you know about Kansas: Precious little I bet. Here’s what I know:

  • No creativity, almost entirely bordered with straight lines.
  • Topeka: known only as the name of the famous case of Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka, an ominous beginning to be sure
  • Sunflowers
  • Bloody Kansas or bleeding Kansas–a schizophrenic state on slavery from the beginning

Kay, that sums up what I know.

 People in Kansas have eyes that only function from side to side:  the reason:  no vertical challenge. It’s too damn flat! You can stand in the middle of Kansas and see to every border. For years Kansans had no idea what airplanes were. They heard a buzzing above their heads but had had no occasion to ever look up before.

It is claimed that it has been scientifically proven that Kansas is not “flat as a pancake”. They spent a lot of money to prove that, but I still think it’s appallingly flat.

Cities of note: NONE I mean really. NONE. Wichita  (WITCH e TAW) is the only one you can think of, and HERE they put a W sound without a W like Arkansaw, I mean Arkansas. No wonder these people are nutso.

Speaking of which, they have a certifiable nut as a Senator: Brownback, who is a fundie Catholic convert. (since retired I believe)

If you do a google images search on Kansas, you get an inordinate number of photos of tornadoes. This is meant to tell you something. Pay attention!

Historically, the land was owned by its inhabitants, also called Native Peoples, who had an odd but very workable system of not actually “owning” the land, if you get my drift. This was found unacceptable by Europeans. Spain claimed it, and France claimed it, before Mexico and Texas did. None of the above built a damn thing. The new US of A “bought” it from France, because as I was told Napoleon needed money, and it was too far to vacation in. Missouri claimed it as well, but that story is boring.

The Santa Fe trail goes through Kansas, and you can still see wagon ruts in places, which tells you just how boring and unused this state is. There is also a Chisholm trail as well, and I think that had to do with John Wayne, or the movie Shane.

There are towns called Abilene and Dodge City, but these are mostly ghost towns now that cowboy movies aren’t being made. Various movie stars such as Wild Bill Hickok, Bat Masterson, and Wyatt Earp hung out in both.

There are less than 3 million people living in Kansas, which is a wonder, given that it is so damned flat, and most of the fences are climbable. This leads to the supposition that Kansans are basically lazy. Hispanics populate a lot of the southwestern part of the state, but most are in line to get on a bus for elsewhere, anywhere that is.

There are 6,000 ghost towns, but you probably figured that out already.

There are probably a lot more cattle and sheep in Kansas than people, but I frankly didn’t check that out. A lot about Kansas you can just guess about, and be pretty sure you are right.

There are some roads there, but so little to look at that it doesn’t matter.

So in love with drawing lines are Kansans, that they made 105 counties. This works out to a county for every 2,700 odd citizens, which means that state workers take a lot of coffee breaks and get most of their personal errands done during working hours.

You can get married at 15, but not drink until 21. The state is split about where you can drink.  That probably explains itself. There are two time zones in the state, and again, that explains more than you realize. Did I explain that most Kansans are schizophrenic?

Kansas school boards are constantly denying evolution and trying to teach creationism and intelligent design. They keep getting reversed in court. They do not learn.

Kansans usually support the Kansas City Royals and the Kansas City Chiefs, both of which are found in Kansas City, Missouri. Kansans still don’t know this. Missourians do, but continue to hoodwink Kansans and collect taxes for stadium maintenance.

So what we can see is that Kansans are none too smart, lazy, and do not learn well. Testing proved that  7 out of 10 could not locate their state on a map of the US.

Take a wide berth around this state if possible. It is still unknown whether the “stupids” are carried by virus or only by more personal contact.