09 | November | 2010 | Existential Ennui

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When I decided to write about the various states of the union, well Maine came to mind. Don’t ask me why. Seriously, don’t.

I decided before going to that fountain of facts, Wikipedia, to recall what I knew on my own about this state:

I can find it on a map. This is still not true of all the states, so it is significant. Maine looks kinda like an oven mitt don’t you think? I bet there is a real story behind how it got it’s shape. If I find it interesting, I’ll tell you about it.
I know one person who came from Maine. It was a childhood friend’s mother. She sorta talked funny like all Mainians do. If that is what they call themselves. And no, I don’t know why they talk funny, but they do.
It has a city called Portland, which is not the capital, and it is a port, which is also true of Portland Oregon, but they are on different oceans. Apparently Oregonians weren’t very creative and borrowed the name.
I don’t know but can surmise that Maine is cold in the winter. It’s “up” there. If I were in NY and talking about rent, I might metaphor that and say, “it’s too damn cold!”
When somebody says, “Remember the Maine!” they are usually not talking about the State, but rather some ship. I think somebody we didn’t like sunk it. But, I forgot, so I don’t remember the Maine well at all.

That exhausts everything I “know” about Maine. I kinda think the people there aren’t really friendly if you move there. They are said not to consider you as being a Mainer and Mainian, or Maniot, (Mainite?) until you’ve lived there about twenty-five years. So consider that if you are thinking of a move. They won’t be sharing secrets with you for a long time.

I thought to go to their official website, but worried that they would only tell me the good stuff. I mean it’s not that people naturally think of Maine when planning a new residence. I mean it’s cold there, in the winter at least, and I suspect that it’s muggy in the summer and very buggy. None of those things are endearing.

I think Martha Stewart has a place there, but I don’t know her personally. If you like Martha that’s a plus, if you don’t, it’s not.

Maine in part borders Quebec, and Maine is a French word. However, as I said, they don’t sound French.

I forgot that I also know that they have lobster there, lots of it, and they call it “Maine Lobster,” though I suspect the lobsters don’t feel like citizens.

Maine, belonged to the Algonquins before it was taken from them. They were not paid for it, like the lucky inhabitants of Manhattan, whose families today still live in the lap of luxury from the windfall they got when they sold off the island. Antiques Roadshow still estimates that those beads and such are worth millions to the average buyer.

In return for having their land stolen, they killed off a lot of the early settlements. They often asked new settlers if they didn’t know that it was “too damn cold,” to live there. Sometimes they just left them to die from the elements instead of wasting their arrows.

Maine was not a place anybody liked, and the proof if that is that it did not become a state for a long time–until 1820. It’s never gotten along well with the original thirteen and has suffered a complex ever since. Which is why they don’t recognize new “citizens” for years. Touchy people.

It is the only state that is only one syllable. This relates to it being “too damn cold”. People had to say it fast, or their mouths froze open.

It has the eastern most city in the country–non-creatively called Eastport. Maine has the northern terminus of the Appalachian trail, which stands to reason, there being no state north of it. A new International trail will extend to Labrador, which is not a dog, but a Canadian province.

As you might expect, it is the most sparsely populated state–the people being mean and the state being “too damn cold.” That is east of the Mississippi. Alaska screws up all these good statistics as you might expect. The whole dang state is pretty much covered with pine trees and some of the land is still unorganized and a political dead zone, though we hear that Christine O’Donnell offered to campaign there, before well, geography was explained to her.

Geologists call it’s coastline a “drowned coast” which can’t be good.

There is a town called Norway, Maine, which shows you how confused people are there. Perhaps their funny talking is some attempt to speak Norwegian. Maine has an actual fiord, which supports my hypothesis I think.

Tornadoes and hurricanes seldom visit, because it’s just “too damn cold.”

There are just about 1.3 million folks living in Maine, and that is decreasing, which is way understandable. Most everyone crowds around the southern parts and near the coast, because it’s “too damn cold.” The biggest loss of population are those from Hawaii and other Pacific Islanders. What they ever came for is anybody’s guess.

There are no interesting jobs there. Trust me. They are the number one exporter of toothpicks. Duh. Pine trees?

It mainly (gotcha!) votes Democratic, but it doesn’t matter much cuz there aren’t enough voters to bother.

All in all, I wouldn’t recommend it. Come on, when’s the last time you heard anybody say they were vacationing in Maine? It’s just Main with a pretentious E tacked on the end.