17 | September | 2010 | Existential Ennui

Tags

Christine O'Donnell, Colin Powell, election 2010, Glenn Beck, GOP, John Boehner, Jon Stewart, Mitch McConnell, Politics, teabaggers

I’m tellin’ ya kiddies, the three-ring circus that these days passes as the GOP is ampin’ it up and promising to give us a real show. I for one am pleased as punch (now what exactly does that mean?).

What looked to be a dull, sad affair dominated by two-year-olds posing as voters, suffering from the need for instant gratification (translation: fix the economy in 60 days and let me get back to my Mimosa or I’m switching sides), has turned into the jackass tumble that we had hoped. They are killin’ and eatin’ their own–finding that it all tastes just fine with a sip o’ tea.

If ya hadn’t heard, a 41-year-old virgin, orthodoxy Catholic woman, who hates masturbation and considers porn to be adultery, and thinks evolution is a crock, beat a sane and sensible GOPer for the right to face off against the Dems in Delaware. (In case you forgot, Delaware is an actual state of the union, located out east, and you basically wave at it as you pass from New Jersey to Maryland, sorta.)

Carl Rove wet his pants immediately and called her “crazy” and then Rushy said, crazy or not, we gotta elect her, cuz Obama is sellin’ off Merika to Kenyans in weekly raffles, and NewtyPatooti, nodded and said he’s still channelling daddy, and next to that Christine makes perfecto sense. So, well, you know it must be true.

Meanwhile back at the ranch (well not really–actually DC), Mitch (the neck) McConnell, withdrew into his shell, whispering to aides to look for a hare and send a message to John B. to take over. He was just too upset.

Meanwhile (see above) Johnny Boehner was issuing orders at lighting speed. “Sell my stock in Agent Orange Tanning Co.,” he screamed, and “get me a two-page memo pronto on all things NASCAR! And get me a case or two of that Bud Light stuff, or maybe it’s called ‘This Bud’s for You.’ I’m not sure. Oh and cancel my next golf game–in fact cancel all my golf games. I’m one of the people!”

Colin Powell was caught as he rushed getting into his car. “I never knew her!” he bellowed three times before the light changed twice. He looked ashen, and those present saw fear in his eyes. His destination was unknown.

Meanwhile (see above again) Glenn Beck was wandering around Fox (we only lie because it’s good for you) Noise, muttering, “where’s my spotlight? I am the savior of the world. Who is this McDonnell chick? I want Sarah. Get Sarah on the phone!”

As the elephants filed out and we waited in the stands for the clowns to arrive (that would be Sarah, Michele and Michelle, and well, DeMint, and King, and oh it just gets tiresome, you know who they are), we had a moment to turn to the Internet Tubes and discovered this:

If you haven’t heard of him well then you need to be sure to bookmark this one. Andy Borowitz and his Report is hysterical. I found it on Twitter, and now receive him in my e-mail. Here’s a sentence from his last post, just to make it clear you want to read this:

Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Now you may be concluding, but you would be wrong, that Merika has gone quite bonkers. I’m here to tell you that that is not the case. If you still doubt, then read this: The New York Magazine, in a cover piece recently pointed out that Jon Stewart is the most trusted newsman in the country! That is surely sane isn’t it? And, and, well, AND he ain’t even a news person! Ain’t that a corker as my grandma used to say. (NO I don’t know what a corker is either–sigh.)

And oh, goodie, you just knew this was coming. Stewart and Colbert are leading a “bring back sanity to America” rally at the Mall in DC on October 30. Technically Colbert is leading a counter rally called “Keep Fear Alive” but only the crazy people don’t get it. I mean this country is hysterical. It is fall off your chair, spin in place ala the Exorcist wacko, sock-um bumper-car madness, and we got the front row!

Barnum and Bailey, or what’s left of em, are surely pissed they missed getting in on this roadshow for sure. Hell, Europeans are reserving their tickets, not wanting to wait for the time delay on election night as pundit and all the punditos from East and West, North and South, will be spouting and guffawing, slitting their throats, barfing, snorting white powder, or soda up their noses in one grand insane (Nero never topped this) event.

Meanwhile (yes, I’m oh so predictable) I hear a whole bunch of them tea-sippers are hanging out together at something called the Values Voters Summit. All manner of every hate position in all the land is being represented. Just for a sneak, to show you how much you can learn, Michele (crazy-eyes) Bachmann, is lecturing on “how government works.” Heady stuff, right? And then Inhofe came forth and warned about rampant open gay sex in the military! Oh, just gives ya gooseybumps, all the love being offered up!

Now, I’m not advocate of violence of ANY kind mind you. Just sayin’ they all ARE together, ya know in one place, and well, you know. Not that I advocate any wrongdoing. Just makin’ that real clear. Just sayin.’

Okay, seriously. These two links are worth your time. They are about the GOP and the teabagger hell they have created. Or, remember why your mother told you not to touch a hot stove!

Republicans serve the devil his tea, from This Week, and

Tea Party mocking needs to end, from The Daily Beast.

See ya tomorrow!