I’m not sure where I fit these days. The life I carved out in church seems to be dissolving as I can’t meet commitments or expectations, at least the ones I set for myself.
I am rethinking, questioning, wondering, and praying a lot. Looking for answers and trying to be patient.
Much has to do with our location. I have fought the good fight as they say. But as I’ve pointed out, weather controls me, not the other way around. And obsession with weather has stressed me to a degree that I cannot handle, so I have backed away, intent on regrouping.
Everything seems harder here. Life is never a picnic, but especially so here. Everything takes on added difficulty. The Contrarian went out Friday morning to shut up the tailgate on the Bronco since it had started to rain. Inexplicably, the rear window was shattered. Nothing was laying on it, nothing fell on it, just shattered.
The tractor tire is still flat. Issues with compressors and things I don’t pretend to understand resolve in still having no resolution. Not sure whether it’s the bleed off valve or the tire itself. If the tire, a whole new can of worms ensues. Finding somebody who fixes tractor tires, and then well, getting them to try to lane to get back here.
I need to shop for groceries. We have only one working vehicle. I can’t think behind what would happen if it dies. All too much, and I just go about doing the things one does, washing clothes and dishes, cooking, and vacuuming, just unable to take in all these things.
Clinging to scripture and prayer as much as I can.
I am not desperate, nor crying, nor at my wits end. Just quiet, and peaceful in one sense. Yet, wary of what will happen next. Like a cat on a hot tin roof. *wink*
I keep reading a lot of different things. Our pets are blithely unaware and that is sweet joy itself.
I’m streaming consciousness, so sorry I’m a bit discombobulated. There, never thought to use that word.
There is something refreshing in all this that I can’t identify. Something primal, and earthy, and human. I have no time for going through motions of the typical suburban lifestyle, endless rounds of running errands and chit chat across fences.
I’m in the hard forced work of actually living. I don’t want to be here, but I am. Someone said, that being where you don’t want to be is what hell is. Maybe so. But it’s a friendly hell then. Peopled with a loving partner and loving canines and felines. Even the frog I saw seemed friendly. Same for the monarchs that fly everywhere.
So if I am not where I should be, or not where expected, then don’t worry.I’m sorry if I leave you hanging, but I have not the energy for endless explanations. I’m simply in the scrabble of nuts and bolts life. I am a wander in my head, and don’t get lost for long. Or maybe I shall be moving on in one fashion or another. It’s hard to say. I don’t forecast the future well.
Blogging is my hold on something important, so you will always find me here. Typing away and spewing forth my opinions, anger, hurt, betrayal, joy, love, wonder, and sheer exuberance for it all.
I’m going to fix some lunch. And read a book and take a nap. And then I’ll decide to do something else. Or not. Prayers are welcome.