Tags
I don’t recall exactly when it was that I decided I wanted to be a good person. Not that most people sit down and make that decision usually. Most, I would hazard a guess never even think of it.
And surely nobody reclines upon couch and ponders which of the two they will aspire to. I mean even the worst of the worst doesn’t see themselves as dedicated to being bad. Shit happens, they would argue.
I would assume that my decision to seek a holier way of being (becoming a saint, now that desire seems in itself sheer chutzpah) arrived in my mind sometime around the time of my “conversion.”
It seemed somehow part of the package–become a Christian–think about reforming your life. Like peanut butter and jelly, they seem to go together. It’s not that I was not a good person beforehand. I was more, shall we say, not concerned much, about the details. I was law abiding, didn’t go out of my way to deliberately cause trouble with others, was sociable, that kind of thing.
But I admit, I usually put me first, and my bad mood usually impacted on those around me. I have never had much in the way of patience, certainly with the limitations of others whom I needed to accomplish my goal. I still have problems trying to understand why patience is so virtuous. Why can’t I expect that the clerk at Walmart actually knows the names of the veggies she is checking out? Do I really have to tell you that you are holding a cabbage for goodness sake?
So, upon conversion, I figured I should try harder to not be impatient, not be short, not be snide and sarcastic in the face of incompetence and laziness among those who were being paid to DO THEIR FREAKIN JOB.
Perhaps some of my ongoing failure to do as well as I would like is the result of my conversion not being an earth shattering thing. Basically I came to the proposition that God was pretty much an even bet, and common sense lay in opting for Him as opposed to against him. And besides, more important for sure was that I wanted to believe He existed. I found life somewhat meaningless without God.
Perhaps, since I was not blinded by the light, heard the angelic voice, or saw a bona fide miracle, I never took it as seriously as I should.
In any case, I’ve not found my success rate nearly as good as I had hoped. It seems to surge here and there, on Sundays for sure, and while and after I’ve read a particularly moving spiritual book. Sometimes the selflessness of others causes me to rededicate myself. But, sadly I seem to fall back into the same old patterns, grousing and crabbing about politicians, and others who seem insensibly dull when it comes to things I consider obvious.
I have plenty of examples around me, people who seem always serene, always polite, kind, gentle. Who respond to insults and snotty behavior with quiet calm voice. The Dalai Lama of course, Desmond Tutu, are stellar examples. But I can point to a few in my church, who seem to me, always to find the inclusive way in their interactions.
I on the other hand am all to dualistic. I fail the I-Thou in favor of I-you in personal encounters. I can preach the right thing, I just don’t do it nearly well enough. I’m right, you are wrong, and I’ve concluded by the way that you can’t be fixed without the intervention of the Almighty, and that ain’t me. So I dust off my hands and move off in disgust, ready to consign you to the trash heap of useless beings who just take up oxygen.
I don’t want to harm you, mind you, I just want you to shut up, sit down, and leave the running of the world to those of us I designate as knowing how to do it. Humility is ground under my feet wouldn’t you say? My arrogance is overflowing don’t you agree?
I can’t begin to know how many others there are like me. I hope most, but I fear a good many less. All I can do is keep remembering that God is merciful–that has to be true, since if He were not, I’d have been fried into a crispy critter long ago. So I rededicate myself for the 3,492 time to doing better.
You know those stickers you see on the back of trucks sometimes? The one’s that say–“How’s my driving? Call 555-2121. ” Well I sometimes think it would be a good thing for us humans too to wear such a thing. But then again, I usually know as soon as I speak whether I’ve been good or bad in my quest to be a better person. Still, keeping count may be useful.
If you have suggestions I’m all ears. (Actually not, I’m pretty much composed of the usual limbs like most everyone else!) Which reminds me of the parody of Julius Caesar–“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!” (throw a sack of ears on stage left!)
Seriously, I am getting older by the minute and don’t have much time (perhaps less than I think when you actually think about it), so if you can help, I’d appreciate it. This treadmill is getting tiresome, I’d like to move on up the mountain.
Existential Ennui 
Are you saying I’m not right all the time? Well, you’re just wrong!
I’ll be the judge of that Randall.
Aw, Sherry, don’t be so hard on yourself. I can completely relate to your sentiment. I’ve come across plenty of those who did have that “blinded by the light” moment who turned out to be some of the most unkind people I’ve ever met: My born-again sister and her husband avowing to have nothing to do with our gay brother (or “that faggot” as they are wont to call him) being the most egregious, but through the years I also remember aspersions cast against my divorced Catholic mother (and honestly, who doesn’t need empathy and understanding if not a woman dumped with five kids?!?); against my two darker-skinned siblings, who must certainly have been lazy and irreligious because they were obviously “wetbacks” (this from their Crystal Cathedral-going neighbors on welfare; of course, my wetback siblings were the reason these fine citizens couldn’t hold down jobs) — oh, you know, all the usual rot.
So, I get pissed off at idiot cashiers, relatives, neighbors, etc., too, and I don’t worry too much about it. I feel no guilt about walking away from people who won’t hold up their end of the bargain. Being good and being patient and putting others first does not mean we’re obligated to coddle every numbskull.
Oh blisterina, I’m so sorry you have such a family! Isn’t it just terrible how we all hurt each other so much because we are so “right”. But then, some of us are, and we must support in the end truth I believe.
I want to believe you are right in not wasting time of those who don’t deserve it, but I guess I also feel, who am I to judge? I used to say, I’d never want to be the last straw on somebody’s back…and you never really know that do you? when somebody goes over the edge, and you were the last straw? But thanks for making me feel…well that I’m not alone.
Hmmm…I would say, though, that the last straw and the numbskull are not always one and the same. Yes, we are responsible for our reaction to that “last straw” (the human failings that TomCat mentions) — it might be that the cashier just had a brain fart and couldn’t come up with the word “cabbage” — but the numbskulls who don’t do their share and learn the word in the first place, well, I’m comfortable saying I’ll only go so far on their behalf.
I’m with Blisterina on this one. As good as we try to be, we remain human with human failings. Had we the ability to achieve perfection, there would be no cause for redemption.
May I respectfully suggest that you do far better than most.
Tom, there might be one or two would disagree with you…lol…more than one or two…when it comes to the religious right, I’ve had people call me some kinda names!
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, * and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
I’ve never had a conversion like you’re talking about, though a few things have happened to confirm my belief in a Holy One. My priest keeps affirming that meditation twice a day will change the person into a more loving person. So try that. “Bless ________, change me” is a mantra that saved my relationship with my second child, the angry one (who is still a black/white person)–and still helps me in frustrating/angry times.
With the current book I am reading, “The Case for God” by Karen Armstrong, I am (re)learning how the search to live a virtuous/good life has been the goal of humanity, as I was just reading about Socrates today. The human struggle. . . .
Jan, good words, I think the mantra is a great idea. And I love Karen Armstrong, haven’t acquired that book yet, but guess I better! lol.. Thanks as always.
Sherry, oddly enough my upbringing didn’t associate conversion with trying to be a “good person”–that in and of itself was viewed as chutzpah, not “living by faith.” (It’s very complicated… and may explain why so many Fundies–like Blisterina’s family–can disassociate goodness from religiosity.)
I embraced “goodness” for very pragmatic reasons: it’s just an easier way to live. It minimizes conflicts, promotes inner peace, and saves a heck of a lot of time otherwise wasted on unpleasant people. Imagine my surprise when I discovered it really was at the core of my beliefs!
I’m convinced the ambivalence you describe is common to most of us, wherever we fall on the political and religious spectra. The war with pride–the need to be right, even if being right causes wrong behavior–is a universal, ongoing battle. That’s why the “all” is so important. We are all sinners. We are all human. We are all in need of mercy and grace. We are all more alike than we’d all prefer to think…
Blessings,
Tim
Boy, do I agree, its a much easier way to live! lol..And I also agree that pride is the key, and clearly one of my biggest downfalls, somehow being right is being good or worthy or capable. As opposed to stupid, and useless. I am still working through it searching for the key to what pain I’m trying to cover up. It’s a lifelong thing I guess, this unpeeling of the onion of one’s psyche.
An interesting post Sherry. I enjoyed reading it : )
The fact that you think about it, talk about it and act upon it shows that you are indeed doing a better job than most of us.
Being aware and conscious of an issue is probably the first step to changing course and reforming our unsupportive habits, whatever that may be.
It’s a journey than just a destination. I think you’re making good progress!
Atticus, I surely hope you are right. I fear sometimes that I take as many steps backward as forward. I guess I am renewed again each Sunday–which is one good reason for churches I guess-if they have that effect on one, as mine does on me. But I dare say you are right in saying its a journey. No saint probably ever felt as such.