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Those of you here to read about “Mother” should note that that post has been postponed until tomorrow, in view of the following breaking news:
Your intrepid investigative journalist is on the scene in Troy Mills, Iowa, location of the first invasion point of the Aliens! I have it on good authority, (my own) that said Aliens, (Martians by best estimate), landed at approximately 10:07 DST/CTZ (Daylight Saving/Central Time).
As we sat watching the Daily Show, a light appeared in the sky, and began to slide across the three windows that comprise our bay front. As it reached the open front door, the light became brilliant, and then winked out suddenly. Thoughts of sheet lightening, or a helicopter with search light crashing, flashed quickly, but problematically through my mind. The evidence was not substantiated. Of course meteor crossed my active mind, but such could not be true, since that is what has been reported by news media far and wide, and so inaccurately, that we know that aliens have already overtaken all means of general communication.
It is being reported that this light was seen across much of the Midwest, which again cannot be true, since I am sure it landed just over the top of the hill north of us. No sound accompanied the event, surely proving that it was no meteor.
Ten minutes later, our lights went out ominously. They winked out I should say. This no doubt was the result of the worldwide effect of the electromagnetic discharge of the static electricity generated by said space ship as it skidded along our atmosphere. Hair was seen raised on the backs of all hair bearing animals, and plants were heard to whine in a high pitch for exactly nine seconds.
During a dream, (the way information is now transmitted among humans unaffected by alien blight), I can tell you what to look for. All strangers, plant, animal or human should be immediately tested to determine whether it is infested with the reptilian Martian entities.
As to plants: excessive leafing is a sure sign that the tree or shrub has a hidden alien within. They are trying to hide after all, so if your trees seem awfully leafy suddenly, chop it down NOW.
As to animals: Examine the rear left foot of all animals–those that have no feet or only two, go to step two. As to the quadrupeds: the left foot will carry an extra toe, the result of too much alien for too little of an animal. They can’t quite fit, and the extra toe is a dead give away. Feed them curry and the alien will flee screaming. As to bipedals including birds: carefully smooth apart the hair where the bellybutton should be, and if you find a spigot, treat immediately with chardonnay, a complete dousing will do the trick. As to animals with no feet whatsoever, ignore. Snakes, well they are already as bad as aliens, and aliens can’t can’t breath in water.
As to humans: find a way to engage your stranger in a conversation that revolves around the word borscht. Aliens are unable to pronounce it correctly. Their forked reptilian tongues cause them to say “boorist” instead of “boreshhhht.” Feed them peanut butter immediately.
Meanwhile I can assure you that the Contrarian and I have things well in hand here. The Contrarian has been busily ordering all weather gear from LLBean this morning, which will arrive by FedEx tomorrow. Armed with the proper hiking clothes, we expect an expedition to set off when I get home from church on Sunday.
It is our aim, once we get around the corner, to sneak onto the spaceship and destroy all foodstuffs, replacing it with peanut butter and curry. We are told (again by prophetic dream) that insipid silliness will occur to said Mars rejects within 24 minutes. During this time, they are easily scooped up with pooper scoopers, and returned to their ship.
Said aliens, according to the newspapers found scattered around the meadow, are on a field trip designed to find new locations to plant multiflora roses. Mars has no more room for the noxious weeds which are snarling traffic along most canals on that red planet. Any signs of said plants should be immediately noted and marked for burning. Government troops will be visiting with flame throwers to your block within the next ten days.
Under no circumstances feed the aliens any lobster. They become frantically mean after such ingestion and can be quite cruel to poodles we are told.
We trust that you will remain calm during this crisis. There is no reason to panic. We are in control, and you are safe–as long as you keep the spring onions out of the garden–if you have already planted, go out and pull them up! Do it fast. Ingestion by Martians causes uncontrollable desires to mate with anything that moves, and believe me, you don’t wanna know how they do it to humans. You’re eyes will hurt for days!
If you have no curry or peanut butter, well–good luck. Reports that Martians are stealing all copies of the King James version of the bible are not confirmed, but to be safe, dispose of yours now–there are just so many better translations anyway. Oh, and don’t drink the water until further notice. (That has nothing to do with the aliens, but is just a good precaution at any time of crisis.)
Hopefully we can nip this invasion in the bud. Your cooperation is appreciated. And the password is “Rosebud.”
Existential Ennui 