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People all over America ran out and stood on their porches. They listened, and faintly at first, then reaching a bellowing crescendo, a hue and cry of agony was heard emanating from the Midwest, Kansas to be specific. The death knell of a Jay Hawk rendering it’s last lamentable screech, as it plummeted to earth with a thud.

Meanwhile, mathematicians across the world threw aside all interest in string theories and unified universes and multiple ones, to concentrate on the singularly most important question the world needed to know: How did they do it?

Formulae was expounded, tested, as slide rules slid, and computers byted, and super minds twirled out the numbers. It was declared an impossibility. No, this could not be. In fact, so great was the unlikelihood of such a thing happening, that all manner of other phenomenon was reported across the globe.

Reports from Damascus declared that clocks ran backwards, while astronomers at Palomar noted an axial shift, where North became South. Coffee cups fell off counters as the earth’s rotation came to a halt and began the laborious effort to move in reverse. There were selected reports of hell freezing over, mostly at luaus in Hawaii.  Movie rentals phoned in that there were astronomically enlarged sales of Charlton Heston movies, especially Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes.

We cannot report the news from the super secret doomsday computer model shifts, buried deep in the belly of Cheyenne Mountain. But rumors suggest that projections have caused workers there to scurry home to drink lots of Bosco and put on their footed jammies.

The unthinkable happened, and I’m still reeling, and wondering of course if it all wasn’t just a big hoax. Reports are circulating throughout Hollywood, which is poised to make a movie, due out Tuesday, about the occurrence that may not actually have happened. Jay Hawk fans still hold out the hope that it was just a massive hypnotic delusion from which we all will awaken on Monday.

But, still, one cannot deny the rumors. Was this all a massive hoax? I mean really really massive. Like in the entire NCAA? It is claimed that a number of the bracket makers (all now in hiding) were heard grumping that they had never actually every pulled off a great April Fools Day prank. So there is some evidence that, yes, we have all been taken for a ride.

It would seem that the NCAA agreed to have the teams change places in the game. Thus the Jay Hawks were actually the UNI Panthers and vice versa. This has been played out in all the tournament games so far. It worked to a limited degree, however, the very rarefied air of pretending to be the better team seems to have enlivened some teams to play out of their collective behinds and actually win as “expected.”

Still, there has been what the Foolers planned–a ginormous number of “Cinderella” wins. For years, the brackets have been done so professionally that there was seldom even one. In fact, there was often no legitimate Cinderella  contender at all. At best, we got Harriet, her sister, who is more akin to Ugly Betty than a beautiful princess.  This year, there are so many that it’s getting embarrassing. So many man-boys all sweaty and big footed, struggling to squeeze size 11 feet into glassine pumps of a size 4.

Indeed, we  the loyal college B-Ball contingent, would admit, the Cinderella phenomenon is essential to a “good” tournament. We love the upset about as much as the NASCAR beer swilling trailer home crowd enjoys wrecks at the oval. I mean what other point is there?

In Beckian logic, this probably can be interpreted as proof that there is a massive gay agenda being played out in the March Madness arenas. And doesn’t this stand to reason, since there is something pretty darn gay about March Madness when you think about it. I’ll be interested to get Glenn’s take on Monday, assuming he’s not still in his bunker.

I’ve heard that there were huge gigantic “tournaments” on line where people registered their bracket choices. I’m told there were more than half a million at one site. I’m told that all but twelve have now lost. Wall Street stands poised for a run on the banks, as they sweat out the opening of overseas markets tomorrow.

Oh, the inhumanity! Forget the health care vote, forget global warming, the chitty job market, and the slow slogging of the economy–this is Armageddon folks. If I should stop typing suddenly, you will know that the Raptu……………………………………………………….

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