It Was A Dark and Stormy Night. . . .

Tags

Eric Massa, Glenn Beck, Humor, Jesus, John McCain, Michelle Bachmann, Mike Tyson, rightwing agenda, Sarah Palin, satire, Texas, textbooks, the Rapture

Okay, so I’m mixing comic metaphors. Calvin and Hobbes, and Peanuts. And comics have zero to do with this post.

Laughter does. And paranoia. First the latter. How’s that for twisting your mind first thing? Okay.

I’ve got it on good intelligence, that there is an invasion of Merika going on. You are probably unaware, but it’s true. It’s one of those “look to your left, look to your right, one of you is not what they appear to be.”

K, thoroughly confused? Okay then we can proceed.

You see, people are traveling from far and near, mostly far, to visit Merika to study us Merikando’s or don’ts. We are officially designed as a “weird fly zone.” The most learned psychiatric institutes of Europe, the Far (as in Far) East, the Near (as in nearer) East, and heck, as I’ve heard, even Antarcticans (penguins I fear), are scrambling to send teams to the US of Alotofcrazyfolks to study the phenom known as “da red/white/blue brain.”

I kid you not. (who used to say THAT? I ask ya.) I got all this from the voice inside my fridge this smornin, so, you can take dat to the bank, I reckon.

I confirmed it quickly by racing through my personal Googly reader. Sure nuf, there were signs everywhere that Merika, land of states that look like gloves and penises, was off its freakin’ rocker!All the world is here to see, witness, report on, and otherwise make fun of us.

Here’s why:

The world at large continues to be amazed that this air sucking moron continues to get air time. Has anyone missed the delight of watching him and Eric Massa implode for different reasons the other day, as they circled each other like demons seeking purchase within an actual human soul? Since neither has one, it was pretty much a wash.

But do read Robert Elisberg’s fine post about it all. Best line of the article? “Glenn Beck is to journalism, what Cheese Whiz is to haute cuisine.” Of particular interest to foreign investigators is the study of facial ticks reported on Beck followers. Experts claim that the inner fortitude required to keep a straight face in the face of Beckistic craziness is likely to cause hernias or premature balding. 

Next up on the laugh-0-meter is the lengths a human being will go to to save his wrinkly old butt’s freeloading job. And the winner is——————>–<—————————>johnny mccain! The Wonkette wagon gets really wound  up on this one.

Indeed, members of the Vietnamese delegation of Retired War prisoner guards are munching Waldorf salads and arguing if he can out do himself in self-abasing begging to “please plezzzzzz, send me back to Washington once more.”

 And there is merit to the argument, cuz, after all,  who wants to come out their front door in the  Arizona morning and see old John, his robe flying open, as he searches the bushes for his morning paper. *Shudder* at the thought  of THAT image! Oh blech. . .let me wash out my eyes!

Ha! Now just try to sleep tonight after seeing this pic!

It’s our dear old friend Michelle Backmann, (R-MinnaSO TA). She and Glenn channel the same psychic. Pretty much anything that dribbles from the lips of said WOOOman (not to be confused with the female of the species Homo Sapien Sapien mind you) will do in a pinch.

This THING now suggests that anyone who doesn’t like the likely to be law, Health care reform bill, should just not pay their taxes, or whatever portion they might reasonably assess toward said health care socialistic communistic, Merika killing, white people’s home, legislation.

To borrow a phrase, Michelle Bachmann is to constitutional law what Sarah Palin is to foreign policy (I can see Russia from my window.)

Followers of Ms. Bachmann have been known to ask directions in a bank teller line, and otherwise sob uncontrollably when their TV privileges are rescinded by parents sure that their 45 year old son will never move out of the basement.

If you thought this next ditty was about Montana you are W R O N G. Naw, this is your brain on Texas school textbooks. Sixth graders asked to draw a map of the great old state of Texas, came up with this as their best guess of where the hell they are.

But investigators from Spain, and Morocco claim that with it’s move to rewrite history to its own liking, Texans have initiated a major coup. They, it seems, have placed themselves front and center, and first in line to be raptured in the “Jesus is on his way” religious ecstatic complement.

In fact, don’t bother going there, for its a mighty empty space now, all the good folks of the Lone Star (aptly named as you can see) are mostly in the clouds with Jesus as we speak. On the positive side (for the rest of us I mean), Goodwill reports that there are just tons of free clothes lying around for the taking. So get the U Haul fired up and you can probably make a killing on EBay selling the stuff.

And if you think that my little intro is funny, well, hit the link and really roll in the aisle. Just hold you mouth, in case the boss is lingering near your cubicle.

To finish her off, I offer up this gem. And I present a picture, lest you think I’m making this chit up.

Animal Planet has a new show a comin, so gear up the old Tivo, since you definitely don’t wanna miss this one. Mike Tyson (lend me your ears!) is into racing pigeons. And Animal Planet wants you to enjoy this “fascinating “”sport””‘.

Most everybody passed on studying this Merikan oddity, but a couple of Laplanders and three Tibetan monks were finally prevailed upon to actually watch and collect data. Scientists at CERN in Switzerland think it may be just the data they are looking for to answer the ubiquitous (been waitin’ for a chance to use that word today) question: What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything. The answer of 47 or something like that, was declared in error, three years ago. It would be best to stay well clear of Geneva in the next three weeks when testing is said to be going on. Radiation and all, or black hole degradation I’m told.

Enough, you are returned to your normal broadcasting.