A number of things have been rattling round the old noggin the past day or so, and let me try to set them down in some coherent form. Try is the operative word here.
I’m reminded that coherence depends on the audience. To an atheist, much of what I might be saying would be not so clear. As I’ve said in the past, proselytizing has a major draw back. There is no “logical” fool proof “proof” of that which is offered as truth, one sees the truth because one believes. If one doesn’t, other explanations make as much sense.
All I can say, frankly, is that I’ll do the best I can to ‘splain what I mean, but if it’s not convincing, don’t blame me. Faith is not subject to cold hard facts as they say, which prompts the average atheist to exclaim in the best church lady voice, “How con VEEEE nient for you.”
It’s a well known fact that new converts are exuberant and suffer from saint complexes. They are “excessively” in love with their new faith and with their new God. This generally wears off in time, and church leaders are well versed in slowing down such people before they get into ministry and church activities way over their heads, only to find that there is still “life” out there to be lived.
I suppose the same is true when one joins another faith tradition. As a new Roman Catholic, I suffered or enjoyed, your choice, the traditional, more Catholic than the Pope, attitude. In time, it subsided. Mass became the norm it is for most, an obligation, which one can take seriously or ignore as one is wont to do.
I’ve been an Episcopalian for nearly a year and a half, and frankly, my holier than thou period seems to be getting more so than less. I’m inclined in some manner, to believe it has a lot to do with my particular church. It is something special, and I cannot explain it adequately. All I know is that forces have come to play in one place and time to bring together an extraordinary array of people who seem in some amazing way to uplift and uphold each other in ways that infuse us all with deeply felt awe and awareness that we are a very special congregation.
With each passing week, I find myself more drawn to the liturgy of the day, more reverent in my prayer and worship, more deeply aware of the holiness of this place, these people, and my God. He fairly permeates this building, oozing love and blessing from every inch of it.
I fairly don’t know what to think of all this. It has not happened to me before in so strong a fashion.
Concomitant with this, is of course, a growing knowledge and friendship with so many individuals. With that comes an awareness of the ups and downs of others lives. I find myself learning about illnesses and losses, setbacks and triumphs of various members. I begin to know who are those who are suffering, those who are in delicate circumstances, carefully navigating new jobs, careers, life changes. I share their joys but also their sorrows.
And, the paradox of it all, is that, even in the midst of all this empathy, I feel an increasing joy. This causes a great deal of consternation to me, and I’m not sure how to feel. I mean, when a friend is suffering, how can I feel happy? How can I feel joy when I carry the burden of sadness that some of my friends are going through great difficulties?
What happens, is that I feel the shame of my own meagre complaints. I complain about wind and snow and frigid temperatures. I complain about fairly minor digestive issues. I complain about lack of funds to buy laptops and high speed connections. They are nothing in comparison to what others are living with. They would cry with joy to have such “complaints.”
So I feel this joy, that my troubles are minor in comparison, and the shame of feeling the joy.
It’s all jumbled up in some rat’s nest of complicated thought that I cannot unravel. I can only try to explain it to myself, and to you. There are no right words to describe it. Poets and prose writers do that for us. I scribble my thoughts and hope in some way that I touch a cord with others, that I explain in my faulty way what they too feel. For I never think my thinking is unique in a general sense.
As people of faith, we attempt to describe, explain, and often convince others that what we believe is real and important. We mostly fail, as it relates to the unbeliever, and I don’t argue that it should succeed. Faith comes to one who desires faith I think. It cannot be logically transferred to the mind of the unbeliever and convince them.
The bible is no more than these attempts over and over again. There is seldom a point in the bible where plain facts are stated. It is, in parts, and in total, writings that have a point of view. The stories, whether actual events, or offered to express over arching theological principles, always are persuasive. They are not neutral.
This essay too, is not logical, not neutral. It will hopefully be understood by the believer, who too has traversed this paradox of sympathy, empathy and joy, all at once. I continue to ponder. I listen carefully for God’s whispered encouragement. I look for the signs that direct me to a better understanding. Until then, I sit with my convenient truth, on the edge of the razor, living the paradox.
Existential Ennui 
You response to the joy admist others’ sadness is pretty normal on the path of truth and surrender. There comes a point when the only feeling to everything is an abiding “THANK YOU”. This applies to things we are conditioned to label “good” or “bad”. In reality, it’s all just experience. When that is seen from the heart there is joy in everything, “good” or “bad”.
I think I detect a buddhist bent to your remarks and I find that philosophy entirely proper and helpful as we journey on this little blue marble. Thanks for your comment —lovely moniker by the way…:)
It is awesome when all the factors come together and the Holy Spirit shows up, and community life in a church is just like you describe. It happens, and that is something to feel joyful about!
Mompriest, I guess that I can say that it is an experience that literally brings me to tears. I sit with shiny eyes most Sundays at some point, as it just all washes over me. It is something to be embraced and savored, for it is not the norm I suspect–and then again, perhaps it is and can be if we nurture it.
I think we all experience God ,the key is knowing and being aware of the moments. Sometimes we get so busy in our daily lives we forget to take the time (as you have) to just be quiet and know that he is always with us guiding us if you will. It is when we don’t listen ,when we are just so busy to be aware, that things become overwhelming and we get frustrated with life. I enjoy reading your writing’s Sherry you truly write from the heart. Very well put I get it….
Janet, thank you. We are all so very guilty of not stopping often enough to inquire where God is in this equation. We might be quite surprised if we did. S you say, God is always there, and on some level we are always experiencing him.
I have same reactions to Mass. I usually do get tears at some point, like an old hymn, or Part of the Mass I’ve learned about. I definitelly got teary eyed Christmas Eve 8 PM 1250 people Mass I ushered. The primary singer during Mass sang Silent Night beautifully, all but the first verse in German, one of my native tongues.
I also ‘got bored’ at Mass, until I returned to Church, discovered the Details of the Mass: The Kyrie Eleison is Greek from the first 2 Centuries. The Sign of Peace was initiated by the Apostles in the earliest “Last Supper Feast” to reconcile potential ‘enemies’, ‘jealousies’ among the congregation in Earlest Last Suppers By the Apostles.
Boredom can be reversed by learning what is occuring, and why. Am an Eager Student of over 50 years, always researching, learning, discovering.
I have found it easy to “convert” anyone, especially on “Foxy” Hype, and Atheists (who number in the single digits, a tiny minority).
I got almost unanimous agreement in the “Atheist” room, to one statement that “There Is No Hell”. I replied being 100 miles from civilization, in a hot desert, starved and dried after days, with only One Can of HOT Beer, too hot to drink, nearby. Most atheists chimed that is Real Hell 🙂 Instant conversion on that topic.
We have several severely handicapped regulars at Church. The lead Altar Boy at an Easter Eve Mass was mentally challenged, guided on the correct route by nearby people. There is an always smiling, Gray Haired wheelchailed Lady mentally challenged also. But she is so Basically outreaching, greeting others, in love with humanity.
The Problems, negatives of life, like Cancer, Blindness were answered by our Pastor a year ago: God created no Evil, Bad. Those are opposites of the all Good He Created. Bad is the reverse of Good, as Blindness is the Lack of Vision.
He did give Free will to Us and Angels. A few Angels decided to do Their Own thing, as Adam and Eve did metamorphically. The result is Why we are not in Ideal Heaven now.
Lovely reflections Tony. It so helps to learn the various parts of the mass and where they originate from. Some parts are from old Jewish rituals in the temple and as you say, others are from the early church. it all makes for a community of faith that has a history in the thousands of years. Blessings, dear friend.
Whats up! Wonderful idea, but will this truly function?
NOt sure what you mean Precious.