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Okay, so some of you know that I do book reviews here from time to time. In return, the publisher sends me the book free of charge.
So, I got to thinking. Yes, I think way too much, but that’s life. Anyhow, I figured, hey, this gig might work for other things as well. Since I am in need desirous, of various technological marvels, I figured that perhaps if I reviewed them, the manufacturer might send me one free of charge.
At least it seems a good idea. Now I realize that books are cheap by comparison, so I figured that maybe I should give them a free preview of what I can do. What follows is that, and I’ll be sending it off to Mr. Jobs directly. No doubt he will be appreciative and I do mean in a give away kinda way.
As you may know, the number of apps that now accompany an IPhone is something like 3,624,821. And that figure grows daily. Now, it is important that you are familiar with them so that you can make good choices, so unless you have 2.4 years of intense study time available in the next 2.4 years, read on.
I thought I’d give you a review of some of the more important and useful apps you can find on your IPhone. Believe me, I was pretty astounded at the range of usefulness available, and the diversity of areas in one’s life that can be touched.
1. The Microwave app. This is just a super help to those of us so busy that we don’t always have time to get a hot lunch or dinner. Just pop the food you wish to cook into your car glove box, set the app to the desired heating time, push the delayed start button, drop the IPhone in the glove box and shut the door. A nice little ding will go off when your food is ready. Eat and watch the traffic!
2. The Name Alerter. Do you have a phobia about a name? One that just makes you cringe and run for cover. One that makes you sweat and start praying? Well, we have the app for you. Just type in the name of the name you hate (Orville does it for me) and set the app to “on.” Then as you move down the streets or hallways, you will be alerted should an Orville come within ten meters of you. Time to avoid those embarrassing meetings. Use the headphones if you wish to be polite.
3. The Animal Mover. If you ever get out in the country, you’ll find this app a must. Ever been on a old rock road when some critter popped out and just stood in the middle of the road? Well if you have, you know how silly a city slicker can be in trying to coax a deer, horse, or lazy sow off the road. This app matches the animal picture to the creature before you, and when activated, lets out a farmer’s call that will surely have your beast scooting back homeward in search of it’s dinner. Read SUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEE!
4. The Contest Enterer. Are you one of those people who can’t stop entering sweepstakes games and contests? Well this app will make life so easy for you! Just set it on, enter your general name and address and other pertinent personal information, and the app will surf the Internet 24 hours a day, entering you in every one it meets. You will be surely rich in less than 6 months using this method. Of course, you will pay a hefty fee in app usage up front, but with a guarantee of such riches, how can you not sign up?
5. The Talking Points Blogger. Have a lot to do? Having trouble finding subjects to write about on your blog? Well, bloggers swear by this app, that allows you to lock into the liberal or conservative punditry machine. Each day you can sign in and get the talking points for the day for all the important subjects you so desire to complain about. You’ll be mouthing the same words as Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert, or if you wish, (ugh) a Shawn Hannity or Uncle BillO. Never be at a loss for something to say again!
6. The Deprogramming Fundie App. You had to know I’d love this one. Just turn this app on and it will remind you every hour that dinosaurs did not walk with humans, God did not pen the bible, and Mark was written before Matthew. A lovely subliminal program is available to use at night while you sleep. If you have a relative mired in biblical literalism, don’t miss this opportunity to save them from an atrophied brain. As they say, it’s a terrible thing to waste!
7. The Pet Thinker app. How many times have you asked your pet, “what do you want?” only to be met by a stare and continued wagging? How many meows have you misinterpreted? Well, with this app, just use the handy video recorder to tape the behavior of your pet, and then submit it for analysis. An answer will be soon forthcoming and you can answer your pets needs without all that angst. Your pet will thank you for being a better master, and you can think about applying for that “goat whisperer” job you saw in the want ads last week.
8. The OCD app. Do you suffer from OCD? Turning on and off lights three dozen times. Checking to see that the door is locked eight times every evening? Worrying about whether you shut off the coffee at work? every night? Well, with your OCD app, you can serve the needs of your neurotic compulsions. Just set the app to “on” and the button will periodically call you to turn it off again. You can set it for periods of every five minutes, every ten, etc. You will get the satisfaction of knowing that indeed the button was on when you turn it off each time! Don’t miss this one folks!
9. The Road Rage De compressor. Cut off in your lane of traffic by a rude driver? Don’t risk giving him the finger and finding a gun up your nose. This app pointed at the offending car, connects to the cell phone of the driver and locates his home phone. You can then call and leave a really really insulting message on his phone, one that will get all that anger off your chest without endangering your life. A must application for anyone who travels on a regular basis. All traveling sales people should have this one.
10. Chocolate Range Finder. With this app in the on position, you will be alerted any time you are within 100 feet of chocolate. Never walk around in fear that you won’t be able to feed your chocolate needs. Sub-applications for this app include a sonic “key” that can be used to open closed places of business (assuming they have chocolate inside), and one that all the women are raving about, the “calorie destroyer” sub application. Just point it at the chocolate delight and watch those calories melt away.
So, how’s about it Mac? Can you get me one of those IPhones for free so that I might continue to “review” all these amazing apps? I’m more than sure your sales are already going up based on this one alone!
Existential Ennui 