Oh, Michele, Say It Ain’t So–Or the Crazy Meets the Wall

bachmannOh my goodness, my goodness, as Shirley Temple often said. Or perhaps a band of munchkins is more to your liking, “ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead.” Figuratively of course. Whatever you flavor of bygonedom, an era of crazy as in bat shit crazy is about to end. You won’t have Michele to kick around any more as Tricky Dick was wont to glower.

I could go on, but you no doubt know I have more pithy comments left to make. Soooo, I was grumbling, sitting on the side of the bed, dangling a pair of panties and searching valiantly for my toe to hook ‘em, when the Contrarian rushed in, “let me be the first to tell ya sweetie. Michele Bachmann isn’t going to run for re-election.”

Well, that almost made my day, although a 2 1/2 mile walk and a trip to the pool followed by three shopping stops still loomed large in my rear view mind. All sorts of stuff started racing through my head as I tried to figure out how a Bachmann-free world would look, feel, nay even smell like.

I scoured the Internet and managed to find all this information for your perusal.

Since she started out by assuring us that it had nothing to do with her Democratic opponent, you can assume it had EVERYTHING to do with her Democratic opponent. I mean she had already started running ads. The fact that that pesky investigation about how she mismanaged her campaign finances wouldn’t go away probably had something to do with it too.

I am told that Louis Gohmert and Steve King were heartbroken. No more weird teapotter sex in the cloak room with the ever vivacious and eye-spinning girl wonder for them. You do NOT want to know what teapotter sex consists of, trust me. People who have snuck in between the coats to spy on the threesome (de rigueur in teapotter circles), have been known to lose their eyesight. Nobody thought you could put THAT, THERE and live I tell ya.

Anyway, insiders suggest that there were some private reasons why Ms. Bachmann decided to hang up her Congressional spurs at this time.

  • She was heartbroken when Speaker Boehner told her that she had not won a seat on the Intelligence Committee because  of her, you know, intelligence. Actually it all started as a joke and well, it got out of hand.
  • Various members of the Armed Services called to testify at hearings, threatened to commit hara kiri if she asked them one more stupid question.
  • Marcus’ reparative therapy had been going really well until marriage equality passed in Minnesota. Thereafter he could be heard roaming their Minnesota home intoning, “free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.”
  • Michele was told that the campaign finance money she spent on her “wandering eye” surgery was not deductible as an “expense”.
  • Her most lucrative engagement–speaking at Tea Party events was about to dry up as the last Teapotters get ready to close up shop. Sarah advised her to get in on the speaking tours while the getting was good. Grifters do as much for other grifters it seems.
  • It was explained to her that Obamacare was still the law of the land and no amount of clicking her heels together would change that.
  • A little-known House rule requires a Congressperson to step down after eight years of introducing absolutely no bills that weren’t laughed at by the House cleaning staff.
  • It was about to get out that she had copies of Chippendales on Display” in her desk drawer–AND the pages were very very worn.
  • She’s joining a new group headed up by Christine “I’m not a witch” O’Donnell, Sarah “I’m still relevant” Palin, and other failed TeaWomen, to offer their services as Public Relations experts.
  • She always wanted to be a end-times preacher in her heart of hearts.
  • Let’s face it, Phyllis Schlafley is getting really really old and somebody has to travel around the country, get paid tens of thousands all the while spreading the message that God wants women to stay home and support their flaccid husbands. After all, they didn’t get flaccid all by themselves, it takes a ball-buster of a woman to do that, except of course unless he’s a closeted gay.

Meanwhile,  the Contrarian has wired the entire house so that every television and Tivo box is tied together. I don’t understand the science behind all this, but I’m assured that I can turn on any TV just by pushing “puree” on my blender and I can change channels by pressing “steam” on my iron. No amount of glazed-over eyes prevents him from explaining the math of all this to me over and over again. I prefer to simply say. . . .”the Internet is like a series of tubes through which little busses carrying electrical bundles careening through intersections dump their loads at rail crossings, and yelling ‘bingo’ at regular intervals, all resulting in my getting the channel I want when I want it.”

Signing off from this tube relay platform until later.

 

Pinch Yourself–Did You Burst?

 

 

This is one of the first shots taken by Curiosity of its new home in a crater, looking out on a mountain that is in that same crater.

No word yet whether Curiosity can see Russia from her porch.

Yeah, I know, she’s a non sequitur now, no need to beat a dead horse.

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Given that Willard tends to avoid like the plague any discussion regarding his faith, you might be interested in a New Yorker piece about four new histories of the movement. I am not a person who makes fun of what anyone chooses to believe as long as it doesn’t include harm to others, but after attempting to read the book of Mormon, simply as an exercise in being “informed” I gave up, finding it to unalterably boring to push through.

But the story of Joseph Smith and his magic tablets is fascinating, so you might decide, after reading the New Yorker review to pick up one and have a go.

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Willard must have the shortest memory in the history of homo sapien sapien. I swear he must. Again, he is vilifying the president for something he (you got it) supported himself. The President would allow states to opt out of certain welfare work requirements upon proof that they had come up with a more innovative (lest costly and workable) alternative. Now Willard says that amounts to just sending people a welfare check. Of course he said the opposite when he was governor of Massachusetts, when he praised and pushed for such a waiver system. Click on the link and you can see his fat signature on the letter.

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I almost hate to post this as a joke, since frankly, you and I both know, it’s all too possibly true.

From the Onion:

H/T to Joe.My.God.

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We have been a waiting for weeks now Willard’s tax returns. Willard says he ain’t a gonna give ‘em up, since the mean old Democrats will only twist them, and ya know, ask for more.

Well, I have moved that “answer” around in my mouth for a good while now, and it’s time to spit out the truth. Whatever the tax returns say are FACTS. They are what they are. Perhaps they can be twisted but they can’t be made into some awful lie because facts are facts. Unless of course you are of the Romney mind: then facts are irrelevant and you can just say they mean the opposite of what they commonly mean. Is that what he is afraid of? That the Obama folks will invent new meanings like he does?

The burden is on Willard. As everyone says, he can clear this up in a heartbeat. Release them, and fair-minded people will read the truth.

But Willard can’t stand the truth. And that must mean that there is something gawd-awful in them.

As Hunter at Daily Kos says:

Whatever’s in Mitt Romney’s old taxes, whether it be zero-tax years or Swiss tax amnesties or non-tithing or that he made several million dollars on a new product called Fetus Chow, it’s apparently so bad that America wouldn’t vote for the rich business guy if they saw it.

It ain’t goin’ away Willard. You can refuse, deny, and look the other way, but we can smell a rat.

Å

Editorial alert:

As a law student, I heard this phrase a dozen or more times: We believe it is better than a 100 guilty go free rather than one innocent be wrongly convicted. Indeed nothing can be more shameful than the periodic release of yet another innocent who has been imprisoned for years for a crime he did not commit. (The phrase goes back at least as far as Blackstone and English law, but has been attributed to many others, including several justices down through the years.)

What this speaks to is our special commitment to justice.

If there is a hallmark to a democratic state it must be the right to vote. I can think of no other more important right than the ability of one to cast their vote for a candidate of their choice. Indeed, one wonders why the far right which is always a titter about “our freedoms” isn’t more vocal on this most important freedom of all.

Yet, clearly the GOP is trying mightily to inhibit the right to vote for literally millions of Americans across the country–and doing so quite openly, all under the guise of “stopping voter fraud”. This voter fraud of course proves to be non-existent when looked at, averaging less than one possible case PER state, per year. In NO CASE has there been any fraud that changed an election of threatened to do so.

Is is not better that 100 potentially fraudulent votes be cast rather than one rightful voter be denied the vote? I would think so.

You?

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Aw Shucks and BeJesus!

 

 

 

Doncha know that I am just bummed. I hear ex-pretence-of-a-president, George W. Bush, Dubya fun, dubya stupid to his friends, ain’t a goin’ to the big to-doin’s called the GOP convention.

Nope, he don’t wanna take the spot light off the dim bulb personality of Willard.

Given that Georgie was one of the more incurious types ever to sit his behind in the oval office, my guess is that it is just too boring for him to bother with.

But then again, no doubt the black sheep son is also somewhat concerned about his legacy. And associating with idiots probably would not help. Speaking of legacy, when I heard that the Texas stooge (not Gohmert or Perry), had written a book about EKO-NOM-IKS, I nearly lost my lunch in guffaws (Willard uses this term for laughing). I mean you gotta be kidding me!

Seriously. The man is a mental midget.

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There is a really excellent post by Frank Bruni on the NYTimes editorial page about the super-noodle head, Michele Bachmann. Bruni examines her strange variety of “Christianity”, you know the one I mean. The one favored by the likes of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, and other hate-mongering types who use their sick interpretation of the bible to justify suppression of other people. Take a look. As always take a look at the comments.

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Ya know,  the NRA may tell me that I can’t talk about gun control because it is “politicizing” a tragedy. Which is dumb of course, but the crazy right thinks it’s exactly the proper time to blame it all on liberals. Colorado is Gods vengeance for turning away from Him. Sick huh? Which makes our favorite hate monger, Bryan Fischer’s remarks all the more backward:

It’s been interesting to me in talking to liberals, and I’m sure you’ve had this same experience, the conclusion I’ve come to is that they cannot be reasoned with because logic means nothing to them, facts mean nothing to them, history means nothing to them, reason means nothing to them. They just have these very strong feelings and the strength of those feelings in their minds is all they need to validate the positions they take. So I’ve just come to the conclusion that liberals cannot be reasoned with they can only be defeated.

Now that will make your head spin won’t it?

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Willard appears to be taking a page from the Gingrich (where the hell did he go?) playbook. Remember when ole Nootie Patootie was buying Twitter followers? Well it seems our boy Willard has done the same thing. His campaign of course denies it, but his numbers went up dramatically on one day, and they don’t match the retweets and tweets offered on that day. Estimates are that Willard’s twitter account contains only about 26% real people. For an unreal guy, hey that’s pretty good don’t ya think?

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Well one thing you don’t wanna do. Louis Gohmert Republican idiot from Texas, don’t take no “chit” from nobody, and that includes one John S. McCain–a man not known to take criticism well. Senator McCain had the audacity to criticize Gohmert and Bachmann and others who decided based on no evidence to attack a Hillary Clinton aide. McCain came to her defense.

Well, Gohmert didn’t care for that, and while appearing on the Dennis Miller (he has a show?) show, called McCain “numb nuts” and that McCain was probably under the influence of the Muslim Brotherhood.

I do believe that we are drawing near to a time when it can fairly be said that there are no minds at all in the GOP only facsimiles.

I bid adieu, adios, and good day to you all.

GOHMERT: Well, it’s obvious that John McCain didn’t even read the letter because of what he said in accusing Michele and us of making these horrible accusations. There were five letters and there were many things that are stated that are facts in each letter. And I wish some of these numb nuts would go out and read the letter before they make these horrible allegations about the horrible accusations we’re making. But we also know that John McCain himself had said back in the early stages of stuff going on in Egypt that he was, in his words, “unalterably opposed to helping the Muslim Brotherhood.” Well, obviously the unalterable person has been altered, so he is okay with it now.

Yeah, well now Louis, you have about as much sense as Gomer Pyle on a bad day, so I’d button that lip before Johnny comes and lays you out on the House floor for impersonating a Representative. And don’t land on no cactus when you fall there bud.

 

 

Oh, the Sadness of It

It’s useless to ask how many must die before the NRA stops this charade that any limit on guns is some monstrous threat to our freedom.

They will continue always to argue that to even discuss the issue is “taking advantage of the tragedy”. Of course it is not. As  E. J. Dionne pointed out, no such thing was said when FEMA was attacked after Katrina.

Our gun policy is insane. The Democrats are scared silly to even mention it. The NRA continues to scream that Obama must be defeated because they are sure that once elected to a second term, he will let loose the dogs of gun control and in cahoots with the UN, eviscerate the Second Amendment. It’s all insane.

There is no shortage of insane people in this country. Pursuant to the religious policies of the Mormon and Catholic churches (now that’s some strange bedfellowing), the higher-ups in the boy scouting world have voted to continue preventing gay men and women to serve as scout masters.

Way to continue false stereotypes you miserable excuses for Jesus followers. (If you detected some personal opinion here, be assured it was not intended.) :P

And let’s not forget our girl, Michele “wild eyes” Bachmann. Much like the much forgotten Sarah, Michele misses the limelight and doesn’t really care who she harms in her quest to get some press.

Her attacks on Huma Abedin are outrageous, causing members of her own idiotic party to condemn her. With her on this McCarthyite-type attack is the ever crazy Louis Gohmert, that fine upstanding horse’s ass from Texas. He lost the fight with Rick Perry over the one brain cell they were supposed to share. Nothing but cobwebs in his upstairs. Shame on ‘em both.

And then there is Paterno, now dead and unable to face what he should have to face.

How can you work with young people virtually all of your life, yet turn your back and cover up a man who is molesting children?

How can you?

Rip down that statute, Penn State. He deserves nothing but our condemnation.

Meanwhile drought continues over vast areas of the US. What looked to be a bumper crop in the Midwest is being plowed under as a total loss or near it. The West is on fire. The East is sweltering.

But the righty-tightys continue to point out that their version of the bible suggests (if you choose to read it that way) that the earth will never be destroyed, and that’s enough for them. The Koch brothers and their ilk pat them on their stupid heads, and order more martinis.

And the GOP, though insane, are not stupid. They have devised a way to suppress the Democratic vote.

It’s the American way doncha know. I mean, better than 10,000 legitimate voters be turned away rather than one illegitimate one in the entire nation get through to cast a ballot.

No doubt that is what the Founding Fathers intended.

Gosh we got pretty darn far before a Romney insanity showed up. Seems Willard is spending all his time now, reminding us that “greed is good”.

Word is that what Willard is trying so hard to keep under wraps is that he basically paid no taxes before he dressed them all up for public display. He points out that Lindsay Graham says that not paying taxes IS the American way. But of course, Mitt expects me to pay mine. Lots more in fact, so that we can keep those taxes really low on the job creators. Does that include his horse who garnered a $77,000 deduction a few years ago? He was creating manure for sure. And I guess somebody got a job cleaning that up. Must be how it works.

Can’t we all just learn to get along?

 

Don’t Taz Me Bro. . .Or, Did Someone Call a Plumber?

Well there is an upside of sorts. Dennis Kucinich may have lost his primary bid in Ohio’s Ninth district, but at least he doesn’t have to run against the GOP’s latest laughingstock, Joe the Plumber who did win the Republican primary in the Ninth.

I know.

Everytime you think, “hey they can’t top this. No way they can sink any lower into the slime of stupid and jackassery” duh, well they do.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the threesome Willard, Ragin, and DoughBoy, continue to circle each other, tasers in hand, locked in a dance of death. Each is determined to wrest the self-destruct button as their very own.

At some point do they wish they had never started, as they realize that they are selling their soul, and good cash all to win a nomination not worth a plug nickle? Each is now so damaged that it’s hard to figure out how any of them can ever gloss over the cracks, rot, and peeled paint apparent to everyone.

Newt needs a new hearing aid. Does Tiffany’s sell those things?

He said that the President in his press conference yesterday said:

He said, you know, I’m really worried about higher gas prices because it will make it harder for me to get re-elected.

The President actually said this:

Ed, just from a political perspective, do you think the President of the United States, going into reelection, wants gas prices to go up even higher? … Is there anybody here who thinks that makes a lot of sense?

So, send Newt a tweet, and at least ask him to turn the thing on, or up, or replace the battery.

3CHICKSPOLITICO submitted this as their take on Super Tuesday:

I guess the insanity of all this now is Newt.

Newt has no path to victory.

Ragin’ Rick is the only one with a chance of overcoming The Willard.  

Newt hampers Ragin’ Rick from overtaking The Willard.

Newt hates The Willard.

New hates the Willard more than he hates the Ragin’.

Newt won’t get out.

This is why I know that Republicans ain’t good at logic problems.

There is growing evidence that Neanderthals and some modern humans were doin’ the nasty. We’ll know for sure when the Neaderthal genome is complete.

Michele Flintstone: “Fred, marriage is between a human and a human. That’s what God intended. This human-”iffy” human stuff is an abomination!”

Fred: “Yeah, but those N-Girls are such hairy! It’s sexy!”

Why can’t anyone in The Willard’s campaign write a victory speech? All he does is repeat his campaign stump one-liners.

And that wide-eyed, wait for applause? Tired of that too dude.

On the humor front, Field Negro, in honor of the 100th Anniversary of the Oreo Cookie, gives out some awards. They are rather good choices I think.

The Willard “wouldn’t have used those words” and “doesn’t want to comment on that controversy.”

We speak of the Rushgate.

But there may be more reason than simple weenie-ness than we thought.

It turns out that Clear Channel, who employs the great Ro-turd-itude, has a number of it’s directors who are major contributors to The Willard’s desperate need to be POTUS.

I admit it. I’ve never read the Book of Mormon. I tried to once. Just to be “informed” but after about 50 pages, I gave up. Too boring for moi. Maybe I never got to the good parts.

But I hazard a guess, that it doesn’t anywhere in it say: Thou may lie when it suits your purposes.”

I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say that, imply it, or condone it.

And by all accounts, Willard acts like a pretty darn pious Mormon.

So why does he out right lie so much?

As Paul Waldman suggests, either Willard knows what Obama has said, and purposefully lies, or he has no clue what Obama has said, and purposefully lies about that AND then makes up lies about what he said. There are few other options.

And it’s just not about the President that Willard lies. He lies about himself frequently, claiming he did or didn’t say things that are obviously false. He lies about things he did that he didn’t or vice versa.

In any event, he does it, and for the most part gets away with it. Why?

Media? Are you there?

We haven’t heard much from the Michele *it’s the eyes–I mesmerize with the eyes* Bachmann. But that steel trap of a mind of hers is always working overtime. And she has got some stuff figured out. And you should know Michele’s logic is not like yours and mine, but actually, its Republican logic, which ain’t no logic at all.

Here goes.

You know that Obama compromise that requires insurance companies to cover the cost the contraceptive health materials? THAT one, that has caused all the stir?  Well, you see, as Michele says, there is a “plausible and disturbing scenario.”

Stay with me.

  1. The government should cover contraception because it’s cheaper than the costs of pregnancies.
  2. We need to lower health care costs.
  3. Therefore: Health care will only pay for one baby per family–maybe two. Michele isn’t quite sure.

It could happen. It could. It’s not too far-fetched she says.

She said “I’m not saying he’s going to do it, but that he has the power to.”

Yeah, I have powers too Michele. The power to make you disappear. POOF***

What’s on the Stove? Oh, I’m being creative. Tell you if it was any good tomorrow. Should we survive.

Reports of My Insanity are Grossly Exaggerated

I suppose if you’ve been reading along the past week or so, you might have concluded that I was going a bit wiggers. Losin’ the mind, not playing with a full deck any more, seeing aliens under my bed.

Naw, I’m fine. It seems a good thing to do every now and then–purging the evil from the grey matter. The better to serve you, my chickies.  Just to prove that I still have some rational neurons zippin’ around the brain universe, I present you some find things you might well be interested in. If you are not, well, crap, there go my polls again.

First off is a really good piece by Frank Rich in the New York Magazine. Rich pretty much echos my sentiments when I’ve suggested that the tail the GOP establishment chose to grab hold of (the TeaNutz®) would one day turn around and show its fangs. Rich argues that the failure of Mittens to rise above 25% suggests that 75% of the GOP hates him and the Old Guard, and will, one way or the other take them down. Mittens may still be the candidate, but that doesn’t mean they will vote for him in the general election. Worth your reading.

I know he’s no longer relevant, but gosh, I sure miss Herm. Herm was the king of the unqualifieds, of which the field is bloated this year, and he had a way about him. He actually thought that his self-confident affirmations would be enough to power him forward. Actually old Herm never thought he would actually be considered a real candidate, yet there he was, catapulted into first place suddenly. Then of course we found out that the emperor had no clothes. No thoughts either, and no knowledge.

You probably saw Barbara Walter’s famous “What?” when Herm said that he would like to be Secretary of Defense. Well, he wasn’t kidding and frankly, I think the soft-in-the-head shuckster really thinks someone would consider him for the post. The Daily Caller, that bastion of level-headedness (not), gives you Herm’s seven reasons why he should be SOD. They amount to:

  1. He’s a proven leader  (being the head of anything apparently proves this)
  2. He’s not afraid of challenges (meaning he won’t go sit in the corner and pee on himself if something bad happens in the world.)
  3. He can make decisions (yeah Dubya could too, just not good ones)
  4. He knows how to prioritize (okay, I learned to count and put things in columns too Herm- by 2nd grade I believe)
  5. He knows how to listen to experts (learned that in Kindergarten I believe)
  6. He knows how to have strategic priorities (um see #4)
  7. He knows how to give an opinion to the boss (as well the mail boy might be called upon to do)

Damn Herm, we miss ya.

Many of you undoubtedly read Lisa Golden’s blog, That’s Why (on the bloglist). I do as well, and she had a great link that I thought you might really like to keep tucked in the favorites of your computer. It’s a long list of “free-education” sites, and other archived sites where you can look up just about anything, from learning a language to taking a math course, to looking up some obscure historical factoid.

You might generally like to bookmark the site itself which is Marc and Angel Hack Life. They had another post I liked called 30 books you should read before  turn 30.  I just love stuff like that. Seems like a good site to have in your back pocket.

Well, what a difference a week makes. Ricky (oops that darned Google searchie thingie) Santorum is the flav of the week. He is surging as they all do, but he has capped it at the precisely right moment, and may well register a win or second place. Ricky, who exemplifies just about everything is wrong with the GOP, is proof positive that it’s still “anybody by Mitt” as far as the rank and file (which is way way right of the Old Guard) is concerned.

So for the brief moment while Santorum matters: this is why he things that social programs are so very wrong–he thinks its kinda Christian to suffer, and also, he thinks that recipients of “welfare” in whatever guise, become beholden (and must for vote for) those who offered them a hand. And of course, that can never be good for Republicans who are stingy mother-******’s as everyone knows.

We are about to be released from Purgatory here in Iowa. Only hours away, the candidates will slink off to New Hampshire and drive those people batshit crazy for a few days. There is something very very bad about being first. These insufferable jackasses come and park their rears here and never leave. They are like the relative from hell who will not pack and go home. Nobody else has to suffer this kinda crap. What did we do to deserve this?

Inquiring minds wish to know.

We hear that the almost as irrelevant as Herm Cain, Michele Bachmann is touting herself as the American version of Margaret Thatcher. Well, we can sure say that she’s got half of the Iron Lady’s persona going for her. She’s batshit crazy. Now if she could just improve on her looks, she would do Mrs. Thatcher proud. Oh my bad. Shame on me. Wicked wicked woman. I should do penance. So I will. Promise.

Tootles there my fine friends. Ah, a new year, and still nary a flake of white caresses my porch.

 

Flat-Heads Speak Up From Flatlandia

The land where syllogisms are upended and deductive reasoning is banned.

Flatheads abound in our country today. (This comes as news to those who have regarded the long extinct Neandertal flatheads.)

For instance, this gem of non-existent logic:

A new group, called the Center for Marriage Policy, can explain all this marriage equality demand quite simply. Led by none other than our dear anti-feminist, old hag Phyllis Schlafly, whose vagina has been locked down for four decades now, CMP alleges that the marriage equality fight is waged by feminists.

And the reason why? Because these lazy old beotches want to screw the day-lights out of men, while married to women, so as they can collect welfare from government, by forgetting their birth control and making them babies, and because they really hate men anyway, but love that love stick. Confused?  Then you have reached the state of Flatlandia!

The way to sidle up to the African-American folk, according to Newt, it to offer them jobs. Newt, sees the problem: little black kids have zero role models when it comes to the work ethic. His solution? Putting them to work as early as age nine. And bonus: the GOP hates the minimum wage, so of course, they can be paid slave below minimum wage  too. Newt admits that  some of these poor kids do get some work ethic, but only from “illegal” jobs. Can’t wait to see Newt’s favorables skyrocket in the African-American community.

Newt has more advice for other poor folks. Besides his advice, (which no one can seriously argue with) to take a bath before going out to interview,  the salamander has come up with some more good advice. And that is: stop all this unemployment insurance. According to Newt, 20-40% of those who are denied extensions, go out and get a job. Newt of course is silent on the other 60-80%. This is Flatlandia! And this is red meat to Flat-Landers. This from the dude who charges $60,000 for an hour speech. We look pretty damn little from that high perch don’t we Grifter?

Herm Cain says that the country is run by stupid people. In a round world, one might say, “it takes one to know one”, but in Flatlandia, what passes for sage GOP heads, nod in agreement.

  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up;

These are common pick-ups lines  in Flatlandia. (from 3quarksdaily)

Alleluia! Here in Flatlandia, we have a new website: Women for Herman Cain. We start out by calling out those “husbandless” accusers of poor Mr. Cain. And then the testimonials, of all those women in America who Mr. Cain has not fondled or poked. Do not miss this one folks. Hours of viewing and reading pleasure. In Flatlandia, we take care of our own.

In Flatlandia, Mittens is real. Because in Flatlandia, plastic is what everything is made out of.

Michele Bachmann is starting to flesh out her Presidential team. Donald (he’s still THE HAIR here) Trump for Veep and Rick (still has a Google problem here) Santorum for AG. It is Flatlandia after all.

Newt is heard to exclaim late at night by passers-by his hotel bedroom: “You’re riding the next President, BABY!” This is Flatlandia!

Worries grow in Flatlandia, that recipients of food stamps might be using them to buy unhealthy fast foods. Flat-heads also believe that First Lady Michele Obama should stop trying to tell them what their children should eat in school cafeterias. This is called unnecessary governmental interference in personal lives. Flat-heads are proud of the fact that they can keep two diametrically opposed ideas in their head at the same time, and enunciate either at the drop of a hat, AND with a straight face. It’s a talent most flat-headers are required to accomplish before being allowed to graduate from high school.

Megan McCain, a fine flat-header, has been around politics all her life. She knows a lot. She knows Sarah and she has now met Michele. She had a poor opinion of Michele, that is until she met her. And between the two? Well she had this to say:

“I think she’s — this is going to get me in trouble — but I actually I think she’s just more smarter.”

Yes, you ARE in Flatlandia! Megan, dear, you are more smarter than my dog, almost.

There is a vote coming as to whether or not Mittens will be allowed to remain in Flatlandia. Plenty think he’s not flat enough. Flat-heads are fairly perceptive about such things. They can smell a fake. If they like the smell, they keep ‘em, if not they throw them back. Mittens is like a used-car salesman who knows he’s a used-car salesman.

Finally, in Flatlandia, words are important, and everyone must use good english. Here is a primer to help you negotiate the flatness of the land.

  • Don’t say ‘capitalism.’
  • Don’t say that the government ‘taxes the rich.’ Instead, tell them that the government ‘takes from the rich.’
  • Republicans should forget about winning the battle over the ‘middle class.’ Call them ‘hardworking taxpayers.’
  • Don’t say ‘government spending.’ Call it ‘waste.’
  • Don’t ever say you’re willing to ‘compromise.’
  • The three most important words you can say to an Occupier: ‘I get it.’
  • Out: ‘Entrepreneur.’ In: ‘Job creator.’
  • “Climate change” is less frightening than “global warming”
  • Don’t ever ask anyone you want them to ‘sacrifice.’
  • Always blame Washington.

Master wordman, Frank Luntz explains how those bad words are always “misinterpreted.”

Hope you have enjoyed your stay. The next flight out to Round Earth, leaves in 20 minutes.

Warning: Those who choose to stay should NOT DRINK THE WATER!