Ya sees, mi hoomin guessed the truth. I is a re-carnation gone cablooie.
Lets me explain.
Sees, my real name is Louis as in IV and I was makin’ ready to zoom back to earth in a new personal, when that silly girl Mother Theresa, she shot me with her pea shooter just as I was standin’ next to Albert E. who was headin’ back as a geisha girl in the Playboy Mansion. Well, anyway, I fell back into his arms, and poof, it all went wrong and well, here we are together, Louis and Albert that is, in a dog suit of all things.
Believe me, it’s takin’ some getting used to.
But, I was gonna catch you all up on the doin’s here. See, I talk to Nate Silver most every day, and so I was not surprised when the nice lookin’ dude with the biggish ears won the ‘lection. Now I have had to put up with a lot from my hoomins who were worried, ‘specially the momsie one. She’s a handful I tell ya.
So we won’t have that Willard fella to kick around any more, which I kinda enjoyed in a sick sort of way. Anyways, we did goodly across the country pretty much. We got rid of Batman’s bastard son, Alan West in Florida, which is something given that that state is chock full of people who can’t remember whether they have both shoes on let alone who is running for any particular office.
We got rid of Walsh that creep in Illinois who don’t pay his child support, and we are done with the rape experts Mourdock (the name sounds right out of Harry Potter), and Akin (my brain is achin’).
Marriage equality won in all states where it was on the ballot, which will drive the insanely crazy religious right to go back to adultery to soothe their inflamed hearts and organs.
Canada is closing the borders to keep out all the crazies who swore they would head north if the President won again. I don’t blame Canadians for not wanting those types in their country.
It was a bad night for old white men. Serves ‘em right.
So, anyway, I let my hoomins stay up pretty late to enjoy themselves but I got my momsie up pretty darn early to take her for her walk. Mind you, she’s not my real Momsie, since of course, hoomins are a bit lower on the umm hmm, evolutionary scale if ya’s know what I mean.
Anyway, she does good walkin’ and I let her off’in her leash most of the time. She obeys real goodly and I can trust her. When those infernal match-chines with their loud noises and hoomins sittin’ in them goes by, I put her back on her lead until it’s safe. By the looks of some of those hoomins that I sees gettin’ out of them contraptions, they could use the walk instead of riding.
I keeps me a neat and tidy house here in New Mexico, which of course is not New, but that’s history and I’m not feeling like lecturing you on that right now. I makes sure my hoomins puts away their stuff, expecially shoes, but also napkins and those funny plastic toothpicks. I grabs ‘em when I sees ‘em and breaks ‘em all up.
My popsie hoomin’ uses lighters and I steals them too, cuz it don’t look good to blow smoke out your butt, I mean eatin’ hole. I smash them with my Jaws of Steel, and Popsie says I’m gonna light up my mouth one day, whatever that means. But he is learnin’. Popsie also says that I am better than Fagan whatever that means.
I keeps my momsie cleaning up the place and I make sure she spends lots of time in the food room making me treats of all kinds. I likes gravy and bones, and hotdogs and bones, and peanut butter and bones, in that order.
I don’t like to go places much so I stay homes when my hoomins have to go sumplace like Texas. I don’t go there. I like to keep my mind clean. But I has my own pad that I hang out in when they go. It’s nice so I can lock myself in–keeps the monsters from gettin’ me. They is monsters I can assure you. I has it all tricked out with carpeting and water, and plenty of bones.
It’s the only time I can get any rest; taking care of hoomins is a full-time job.
So any hoo’s if’n any of you guys gets to Casablanca, stop in at the gin joint okay? That jokin’ girl Theresa, she went back there to work serving drinks and yellin’ out “play it again Sam!” Give her a slug for a tip for me.
Don’t get me wrong, these hoomins is nice and all, I couldn’t ask for better peeps to care for, but I had other plans. I was headed back to Earth with the intention of being the love child of movin’ pitcher star, Johnny Depp and his new squeeze. It was gonna be heaven I tell ya, before that witch Theresa hit me with the pea shooter.
Diego, signing out!